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“He was like…the older brother I never had. My dad is great, but you saw how he is. All stoic and detached. Gabe was…everything. I swear, he was a literal angel.” In the backseat, Annoth snorts softly and Ben throws her a dirty look.

I keep going, knowing that if I stop now, I won’t be able to talk about him at all.

“Molly met him when she was nineteen and, much to my parents’ displeasure, got pregnant with Tabby just a couple months after.

She and Gabe got married not long after that.

I was still in high school and having a bit of a hard time, so I really just attached myself to Gabe.

I looked up to him so much. He was kind and generous, smart, patient, fun, an amazing father and husband—everything I wanted to be. ”

“Everything you wanted to be?”

“Gabe’s death…it’s part of the reason Ros and I broke up,” I explain, looking out the window as we leave the suburbs and start to climb up into the piney hills.

“It was a little over two years ago. Tabby was hanging out with me and Ros for the day, and the twins were with Mom and Dad. Molly and Gabe took the boys to the beach, and they each had a couple friends with them. Thomas and two other little boys, they got caught in a nasty rip tide and pulled out. Molly said that Gabe didn’t even hesitate.

He jumped in and somehow got out to them, without even thinking about it.

Luckily, they’d all had swim lessons, and they were wearing floaties, but…

there were no lifeguards, and the currents and rip tide were so bad that the beach patrol couldn’t get to them quick enough.

Gabe…just w ore himself out trying to keep them afloat and calm.

The boys all survived, and…I’m the one who had to break the news to Tabby.

” I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder and look back to see Annoth, her black eyes wide and shining.

On instinct, I reach over and take her hand.

“God, I’m so sorry, Theo,” says Ben. “I can’t even imagine what that was like. How did it affect what you and Ros had?”

“Before Gabe died, Ros and I both wanted to have kids someday,” I tell him.

“We’d talked about it plenty of times, never changed our minds.

But…after that, I realized I couldn’t do it.

I just couldn’t imagine having to make that kind of choice.

Save my own kid or someone else’s? Save myself, because my family needs me, or save someone else’s kid?

Save my own kid but not myself, leaving my wife alone?

Just thinking about the idea of having kids sent me into full-blown panic attacks.

I did some therapy, and that helped with the panic attacks, but it didn’t change how I felt.

It was just one of those things that…I wanted, but I’d never really thought about why I wanted it, or what the real implications were, you know?

I love Tabby, I love all Molly’s kids, and I wanted to have a family with Ros, but…

I had never actually considered the reality of it. ”

“I understand,” Ben murmurs.

“So…I told Ros that I’d changed my mind, that I couldn’t give her what she wanted anymore. There’s no room to compromise when it comes to something like that. I didn’t want her to give it up just for me and then just be buried in resentment down the road.”

“That was the bravest thing you could’ve done,” Ben tells me, his voice quiet with sincerity. “I can’t imagine what kind of strength it took, but you saved a lot of people a lot of pain by being honest about what you wanted. That’s…not an easy thing.”

I look over at him and the only words I can find are, “Thank you.”

I have no idea where we are now. Some backroad up in the hills.

Ben rolls down his window, so I put mine down too.

It feels cheesy to close my eyes and let the wind ruffle my hair, but I do it anyway.

It’s been so long since I talked about Gabe to anyone except Molly, and I realize that it felt good–to remember him, to explain to someone else how much I admired him.

I feel lighter now. Lighter than I have since the day he died. I want to hold onto this feeling.

Eventually, we hit a winding dirt road and end up at what seems to be an old scenic overlook. Ben backs the car up to the cliff, then gets out and walks around to open my door.

“Come on,” he says. “You need my version of therapy.” I take his hand, and he pulls me out of the car, then helps Annoth out too.

“Is this where you and the Greasers used to smoke Lucky Strikes and comb your hair and do choreographed musical numbers?” I ask.

Ben snorts, “Hey, it was the Sharks, not the Greasers. Get it right.” He opens the trunk and pulls out a cigar and a large flask, then we all perch on the back of the car with our feet up on the bumper.

This view of the city and surrounding suburbs is beautiful, and it’s quiet here beneath the shade of the tall pines, no one else around.

Ben hands me the flask and I take a sip.

Straight, cheap tequila. Not sure what else I expected, and I make a face while he unwraps the cigar.

“What is this?” Annoth asks.

Ben takes her hand and places it on his thigh. “Can I get a light, mi amor ?” he asks with an impish smile. A small blue flame appears in her upturned palm as she returns his grin. Ben lights the cigar and hands it to me.

“Gross,” I laugh, but take it anyway. The burning of the smoke in my mouth helps fend off the rising tide of emotions.

I pass it to Annie, and she takes it, then blows out a large smoke ring that takes on the shape of a snake and slithers around Ben’s wrist. The silence between us isn’t deafening or awkward or heavy now.

It feels natural as we all sit, looking out over the trees and the city.

However, after a few more silent minutes, and a several more sips of tequila, there’s a new question burning a hole in my tongue, and I turn to Ben.

“Can I ask you something…a bit personal?”

“I am, unfortunately, an open book,” he replies.

“When did you…” I stop, take a deep breath, and try again. “When did you first realize…that you were bi?” He takes another sip from the flask, then sets it behind him before answering.

“I was…maybe fourteen or fifteen. My older sister brought a boyfriend home, and I realized I was just as interested in him as I was in the girls at my school. What about you?”

My foot slides off the bumper and I accidentally punch myself in the face. “I-I didn’t tell you…” I stutter. “Is…is it that obvious?”

“The drool hanging from your mouth when I came out of the shower that first night clued me in,” Ben says with a smirk, “but…I wasn’t sure if you even knew yet.”

I take another deep breath and let it out as a long, low laugh. “Yeah…I guess that’s fair. Well, when I was sixteen, I joined the lacrosse team, and–”

“Oh no,” groans Ben, leaning back on his hands. “He’s a jock too!”

“What is a jock?” Annoth asks.

“It’s a self-important idiot who thinks he’s God’s gift to the world because he can catch a ball or swing a bat,” Ben laughs.

“Hey!” I cry, grinning in spite of myself.

“I am a recovering jock, thank you! Anyway, I joined the team and figured out that I…really liked being in the changing room, you know? I didn’t tell anyone, cause I was so freaked out, but then…

I ended up with a huge crush on the junior team captain, Jared.

One night after a game, we were sitting together in the back of the bus, and everyone was asleep.

We had a blanket over us, and we…fooled around. ”

“Classic,” Ben says, and I laugh again, but then realize my hands are shaking. I’ve never talked to anyone but Molly about this either. Even Ros, who knew I had dated men in college, never knew about Jared. I just didn’t have the words to tell her what had happened.

“Well, I thought I was in love, of course,” I continue, “and I also thought it meant that we were…dating, I guess. The next week, at school, I tried to talk to him about it and he pretended like I was crazy, like I was making it all up. He acted like…I was some weird stalker who was obsessed with him. I ended up quitting the team because of it, but I couldn’t even tell my parents why.

For a while, I had to convince myself that I’d dreamed the whole thing just so I wouldn’t break down.

That’s when the panic attacks really started to get worse. ”

“You didn’t deserve that,” Ben says, putting a hand on my knee, “and Jared’s gaslighting ass didn’t deserve you.”

My heart leaps into my throat at his kindness, and his touch.

“Once I got out of that town, I dated a few guys and realized I wasn’t crazy or messed up, but then I met Ros…

and I guess I just assumed it was a phase.

Everyone always joked about how girls experiment with other girls in college, so I figured it was the same way for guys.

You experiment, and then you end up either being gay or straight. ”

“Being with a woman doesn’t make you any less queer, Theo,” says Ben gently, “and it certainly doesn’t make it a phase. I’m sorry no one ever told you that.”

“May I ask a question now?” Annoth says, flipping her cascade of auburn hair back over her shoulders.

“Ehhh,” I groan, but Ben smacks me playfully on the leg.

“We’re supposed to be teaching her about human stuff!” he chides. “Go ahead, Annie girl.”

“What do these words mean? Queer? Bi? I do not understand.”

My mouth drops open slightly. This is not something I thought I’d ever have to explain to anyone in the age of the internet. Ben, however, gets a mischievous twinkle in his eye and takes the cigar from her.

“It means different things to different people,” he says slowly, “but for me, it means this.”