Page 8

Chapter 8

Nolan

I didn’t think Riley’s plan was working.

As he’d predicted, his parents—Steve and Mary—weren’t hostile toward either of us, or toward us presenting as a couple.

Their discomfort, though, was painfully obvious. None of the little affectionate gestures we made went unnoticed, and though his parents clearly tried to be subtle about it, they failed. The way they’d zero in on our joined hands or notice me touching the small of Riley’s back, and then they’d look away, but not fast enough to mask the disgust.

One of my buddies in basic had literally been thrown out for being gay, and he had the scar on his forehead and the mended broken arm to show for it. Another’s parents had disowned him at fifteen, and he’d been homeless for a while, then made it into foster care before aging out of the system and enlisting in the Marine Corps out of desperation. So I was well aware of the horrible ways parents could react to a kid coming out.

What Riley was facing wasn’t violent or the kind of thing that could upend his life, but it was cruel in its own way. It was love with strings attached. Love at arm’s length— we love you, but we’re not letting you all the way into the fold until you change what you are.

It made my damn skin crawl.

And if I was this uncomfortable, Riley had to be miserable, though he was mostly maintaining a solid poker face, even as the fuckery went on.

“You’re both such good-looking men with good careers,” Mary said as we all visited in the living room. “I realize there aren’t a lot of women—American women at least—where you live, but surely there are a few.”

“Or someone on the internet,” Steve suggested. “Bill Gardner’s nephew—you remember him, don’t you? He met a lovely girl online while he was going to college in Europe.”

Riley’s smile was thin and fake. “There are plenty of women on Okinawa. But…” He glanced at me and smiled with a little more feeling. Squeezing my hand on his leg, he added, “Neither of us is interested in women.”

Mary pursed her lips. Steve didn’t quite scowl, but he definitely looked uncomfortable.

“I’ve heard some gay men are actually bisexual,” Mary declared after a moment. “Have you tried that?”

Riley laughed. Not very enthusiastically, and maybe a little caustically, and he shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way, Mom.”

“Are you sure? Have you ever even considered it?”

“Have you?” He looked pointedly at his mother. “Have you considered if you might prefer women over—”

“Riley,” his dad snapped. “Don’t be inappropriate.”

“It’s not inappropriate. Or if it is, then it’s just as inappropriate to ask me the exact same thing.”

“It’s not the same,” Steve said in a condescending, “Dad’s right, so shut up” voice. “Don’t be rude to your mother.”

Riley pressed his lips together and pushed a breath out through his nose. He was clearly trying to rein in his temper, and I didn’t blame him. We were two men in our thirties, and they were talking to us like we were clueless kids who wanted to drop out of school or something.

I rubbed my thumb along the back of Riley’s, hoping to offer some reassurance. He glanced down at our hands, then at me, and a faint smile cracked through. I returned it.

“My question,” Steve said, “is what happens if the Navy finds out about you two?” He shook his head. “You’ve worked hard for your career, son. I’m guessing both of you have. Do you really want to wreck that over… this?”

“Dad.” Riley’s expression darkened. “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed years ago.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s kosher for the gays to serve,” his father countered. “You can’t prove they’re denying you promotions or commendations because you’re gay.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem for me,” I said dryly. “My sergeant major is a woman with a wife, so…” I shrugged.

Steve huffed a humorless laugh. “Figures. The Navy’s always been gay, and the Marines are turning into lesbians.”

“Dad,” Riley growled. “Seriously?”

“Well, am I wrong?” His dad waved a hand. “The gay Sailor stereotype has been around forever. One minute they’re saying it’s wrong because it’s a stereotype, and the next, my Sailor son is bringing home his boyfriend .”

I was genuinely surprised I couldn’t hear Riley’s teeth grinding as he worked his jaw. Unsure what else to do, I released his hand and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. That earned me scowls from his parents, but whatever; the breath he released made me think this was the right move. The muscles beneath my hand and arm were cable tight, but he closed his eyes and pushed out another breath, and little by little, the tension eased.

“We’re just concerned,” Mary insisted. “It’s wonderful that you’re happy together, but how much trouble are you bringing on yourselves by dating men instead of women?”

Those muscles started tightening again.

“It’s no trouble most of the time,” I said casually. “All the Marines I work with know about me, and the only time anyone’s ever had a problem with it, they shut him down on day one.”

Steve frowned. “So the people who aren’t sure about it get beaten down and told to shut up. Some freedom.”

For fuck’s sake.

“No,” I said evenly, “but if they start making threats against another Marine—for any reason—no one’s going to put up with it. It’s always been that way.”

Steve harumphed but let it go.

Mary grabbed the conversational reins. “Now, you boys are here for Easter.” She looked at each of us. “Will you be coming to church too?”

“Yes,” Riley gritted out. “We were planning to come to church with the family.” He paused, and there was an undeniable dare in his voice as he added, “Unless you’d rather we didn’t.”

I held my breath. The room was suddenly dead silent as Riley and his parents exchanged uncomfortable looks.

“We’d love to have you at Easter service,” Mary said in that overly apologetic way that said some bullshit was coming. Probably something passive aggressive. “It… might not be the right place to bring your boyfriend, though.”

“Why not?” Riley asked coldly. “Last I heard, there’s been three same-sex weddings there.”

Neither of his parents could hide their distaste. Ugh. Forget Riley’s teeth— mine were going to be ground to dust by the time this was over.

“There have been,” Steve acknowledged. “But that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for a gay couple to be all over each other in church.”

“All over—” Riley sputtered. “Who said we’d be all over each other?”

Mary stared down at her wringing hands, her lips pulled tight.

Steve sighed. “Church is just not the appropriate venue for a couple of men.”

Riley rubbed the bridge of his nose, defeat and irritation coming off him in waves.

Mary patted her thighs, then rose. “I should make everyone some lunch. Your brother will be here soon, Riley.”

“Awesome,” came the flat reply.

The rest of the day proceeded in that vein. Most of the time, no one talked about us or our relationship, but any time we brushed up against it—like mentioning a place we’d eaten together on Okinawa, or something about our apartment—the discomfort was plain to see. They didn’t even have to say anything. Their faces would say it all, and then they’d school their expressions as conversation continued as if nothing happened while their unspoken reactions hung in the air like a bad fart.

Riley’s brother, Kevin, and his wife, Laura, were nice enough. They even made some feeble attempts to take our side, but as Riley had predicted, they seemed more interested in keeping the peace than anything.

At one point, when the four of us were alone, Kevin said, “I’m surprised you brought a man home, honestly.”

“Yeah, me too.” Riley wiped a hand over his face. “Hope springs eternal, I guess. I thought if they actually saw me with a boyfriend…” He trailed off as if he couldn’t muster up the energy to finish the thought.

“Give them time,” Kevin said. “They’ll get there.”

Riley glared at his brother. “How much time? I’ve been out for over half my damn life.”

Kevin winced and broke eye contact. Laura grimaced, squeezing his hand.

Riley and I exchanged looks, and the frustration in his eyes wasn’t half as pronounced as the fatigue. As if he were feeling every last one of the years he’d been patiently waiting for his parents to come around.

I just squeezed his hand.

Before I could say anything—not that I’d thought of much that didn’t sound useless and stupid—their parents returned, and the brothers let the subject drop.

When we all got up to head to dinner, Riley stalled a little under the pretense of needing to respond to a message from work. I hung back too—I knew damn well his command wouldn’t reach out to him while he was on leave unless it was a dire emergency—and as soon as we were alone, I turned to him, eyebrows up.

Riley touched my knee and looked right in my eyes. “Promise me something?”

“Does it involve stopping you from committing violence?” I growled. “Because I’m not sure I can promise—”

He laughed, which was what I’d hoped for. “No. No.” Turning serious, he said, “Just… after get back to the hotel tonight…” His eyes were intense, burning with more feeling than I’d seen in them all day. “Put your dick down my throat and make me forget about everything.”

I gulped. “I, um… Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”

Can we go back to the hotel right now? Hell, I’ll blow you in the car if—

“Promise?” he whispered.

“Absolutely.” My voice came out hoarse. “So, uh, whenever you want to take off tonight, just say the word.”

He laughed with some actual enthusiasm, winked, and headed into the kitchen.

I followed, my head spinning. I was relieved I could give him something to look forward to now.

That would give both of us something to get through the rest of this evening.

The next morning, Riley suggested getting breakfast at the café across the street from our hotel instead of at his parents’ place. I was kind of surprised, but I didn’t argue because I was also relieved; being around his family was exhausting.

It had been hard to concentrate on the conversations because of all the little comments and expressions. One twitch of someone’s mouth, and whatever was being said may as well have been muted by a bout of tinnitus. Even now, less than twenty-four hours later, I struggled to remember anything else that was said outside of the odd dig tucked beneath a veneer of “niceness.” It was weird. In a way, it reminded me of a briefing years ago where we’d been told our unit would be deploying in the coming months; if someone put a gun to my head, I wouldn’t have been able to repeat anything else from that lengthy briefing. My brain had record-scratched at “mobilizing to Afghanistan,” and nothing else had registered.

That didn’t seem like the reaction someone should have after a friendly sitdown with the people who thought he was dating their son.

So… skipping breakfast at their place—fine by me.

Riley was unusually quiet as we waited for our food. He stared into his coffee, and didn’t seem to really be there at all. And he had that look—the slight pallor, the circles under his eyes, the “I’m fucking done with humanity” expression—that he sometimes had after spending the night on duty. Especially if he’d had to stand watch for most of the night.

That didn’t seem right after a day of visiting with his family. Mine, sure, but he hadn’t indicated there were any ugly secrets or dark histories here.

On the other hand, if I was struggling this much just to recall conversations outside of homophobic microaggressions, I could only imagine how he felt. And he’d lived with this for half his life? No wonder he was ready to bail.

I tapped his foot with mine under the table. “Hey. You good?”

He jumped, then shook himself. “I… yeah. I’m…” Sighing, he lifted his coffee and took a long drink. As he put the cup back down, he said, “I’m fine.”

I eyed him.

He met my gaze, and he must’ve seen the “don’t bullshit me” in my expression, because his shoulders dropped and he nudged his coffee away. “I’m just not sure I’m ready to do this again.”

“Do… what again?” I paused. “See your family?”

“Yeah. And tomorrow is Easter, so it’s gonna be…” He pressed back against the bench and groaned. “Ugh. Fuck me.”

I grunted and went for my own coffee. Church had never been my thing, but I was following Riley’s lead here. If he wanted us to go to an Easter service with his parents, followed by Easter brunch and Easter dinner, in hopes that they’d finally accept him, then… fine. I’d do it with a smile. But I didn’t see myself enjoying any of it. Not if yesterday was any indication. And they didn’t want us there anyway, so…

Riley pressed the heels of his hands into his forehead. “Is it wrong that I want to abort this whole thing?”

I sat up. “Is that what you want?”

Sighing, he dropped his hands into his lap and fixed exhausted eyes on me. “Not gonna lie—yeah. I love my family. I really, really do, but…” He shook his head. “I don’t know why I thought this whole idea would work.”

“It was a good idea.” I shrugged. “You showed them the best card you could to make it clear you’re really gay and that’s not changing. How they react—that’s on them.”

“I know, but…” He stared at the table between us with unfocused eyes. “I spent a lot of time thinking about what I’d do if this didn’t work. But now that I’m staring down the barrel of it…”

I winced. “That has to suck.”

“It does.” Gaze still distant, he shook his head. “I think I’ve known all along it wouldn’t work. But now that it hasn’t… Fuck. I feel stupid for even trying a Hail Mary. I just thought…” He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “I’m so stupid. I’m…” Dropping his hand to the table, he finally looked at me. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”

“You didn’t,” I insisted. “And you’re going into the fray with me, too, so I’m not going to complain.”

“I think I undersold how much it would suck, though,” he muttered.

I’d have to check in with him in a week or two and see if he still thought I was getting the raw end of this deal. Yeah, his family wasn’t fun to be around right now, but there were some dark clouds waiting for us in Seattle that had nothing to do with all the stereotypes about rain.

In fact, now I felt guilty that we were going to go from this to the shitshow I’d been avoiding for the past few years. Was that going to be too much for him?

Well, at least the crap I had to deal with was less overt. The vast majority of the family had no idea anything had ever been amiss, and it wasn’t like I’d ever told them why I’d left to join the Marine Corps and never looked back.

So maybe everything would fly under Riley’s radar just like it flew under everyone else’s. As long as he and I stayed more or less joined at the hip, then I could probably avoid it all.

Our breakfast came, and though Riley mostly picked at his, he did eat some. As we were finishing up, dread crept in. We’d delayed long enough. After we’d paid our bill and drunk our coffee, it was going to be time to face his family again. We couldn’t put it off forever.

I turned my coffee cup between my fingers. “So what’s the plan?”

Riley closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck with both hands. “I don’t know. I’m exhausted just thinking about going over there.”

“We don’t have to go right this minute.”

“I know.” He opened his eyes, looking even more fatigued than he’d been when we’d sat down. “I kind of don’t want to go at all.”

I wasn’t sure what to say.

Riley dropped his gaze into his coffee cup and exhaled. “I… I don’t want to go. The more I think about it, I do want to abort this whole thing.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’m tired. I’ve been trying to make it as easy as possible for them to come to terms with me being gay. I’ve been doing that for sixteen fucking years . And this time, I mean, they made it clear from the moment we showed up…” He closed his eyes and swore. “I’m just… I’m tired . And when they said they don’t want us coming to church…” Sighing, he let his shoulders sag even more. “I think that put me over the edge.”

“I didn’t think you were that religious.”

“I’m not. Not at all. But it’s a family tradition. Easter and Christmas. And I thought…” He stared out the window, but I didn’t think he was focusing on anything in particular. “I guess I thought showing up and going through the motions, it would finally make it real for them, you know? And then it would make them see that I’m really…” He huffed a laugh. “Fucking stupid. That’s what I am and what this plan was. Fucking. Stupid.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid to want your parents to accept you.”

“No. It isn’t.” He faced me again. “But it was stupid to think this was going to convince them. Because the reality is… nothing will. Just because they’re not loud and proud homophobes doesn’t make them any better than the people who are. They’re as bigoted as the people who protest Pride parades and attack us for showing affection in public; they’re just too well-behaved to actually raise their hands or their voices.”

I blinked. “Whoa.”

“I think I let them string me along all this time because I thought they were well-meaning and confused.” He shook his head. “But after all these years—that’s not confusion, and it’s sure as shit not well-meaning. Not when they’re trying to talk both of us into trying to date women, for fuck’s sake.” He rolled his shoulders, then pushed them back, a hint of life coming back into his eyes. “And I think I’m done with it.” He paused. “I am done with it.”

“I don’t blame you.” I tapped my fingers on the side of my coffee cup. “So, what do you want to do? I’m following your lead.”

A faint smile curled his lips. “Thanks. I’m not going to say any of this is easy—and this next part definitely won’t be—but having backup helps.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Riley rolled his shoulders again, then picked up the bill our server had left. “All right. Let’s pay this, and then head over to my parents’ house.” He slapped his card down on the table. “I’m ready to get this over with.”