Page 11
Story: Leave
Chapter 11
Riley
I’d been curious for a long time about what Nolan looked like naked. I’d seen him in shorts and snug tank tops, but never even without a shirt.
And oh God, this version of him was nothing short of glorious.
I mean, I had a thing for the physique that resulted from regular PT, especially the way Marines did PT. The toned arms, shoulders, thighs, and ass—it just did it for me. And Nolan was religious about working out, which had done utterly sinful things to his gorgeous body. The definition of those sculpted muscles was—ungh, hot. He didn’t have a six-pack, but who did? Those flat abs were still taut and mouthwatering.
He also had a lot more ink than I’d realized. I’d seen his sleeves, of course. I hadn’t known about the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor on his left thigh. Something about that was intriguing as all hell.
I brushed my fingers over the intricate lines. “How long did that one take?” It was a good five inches across, with a lot of detail, so it couldn’t have been a quick one.
Nolan pushed himself up on his elbow and gazed down at it. “About four hours, I think? I had to split it into two sessions.”
“I bet. It looks like it hurt.”
“Nah. I mean, it did. But that wasn’t why I needed two sessions.” He chuckled. “My pain tolerance was fine—my E-4 budget was not.”
“Ooh, gotcha.” I laughed. “And here I thought I’d be rolling in money if I enlisted.”
Nolan burst out laughing, which was the effect I wanted. He was just so cute when he did, especially when he was this relaxed.
Especially when we were in bed, naked, casually touching as if we’d been doing this all along.
I traced the edge of a koi fish inked along his left side, from his ribs down to partway across his stomach. His ab muscles contracted beneath my touch, and when I looked up at him, he was biting his lip.
“This one looks like it hurt,” I said.
“It did.” He met my eyes. “The ribs are…” He grimaced. “Not my favorite place to get inked.”
“And yet…” I nodded toward his other side, where an abstract design went up his side, over his ribs, and continued—I knew now—onto his back.
Something flickered across his expression that made me think off-limits.
“It’s gorgeous,” I said quickly. “All of your tattoos are amazing.”
He relaxed slightly. “How else can you make an enlisted paycheck last forever?”
I snorted. “There is that.”
He chuckled. “So, you want to grab dinner or something?”
My stomach grumbled, reminding me it had been a few hours since I’d eaten. “What are you thinking? Go out or order in?”
“Ordering in means we don’t have to put pants on.”
“Sold.” I sat up and reached for my phone. “Someone’s going to have to put on shorts or something to answer the door, though. Or go to the lobby.”
“True.” He sat up beside me. “Not it.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed. “You dick.”
He just snickered and bumped his shoulder against mine. We browsed the available options and eventually settled on getting sandwiches delivered from a local chain shop nearby. When the lobby called to tell me our food had arrived, I grudgingly put on a pair of sweats so I could go pick it up.
That honestly wasn’t a terrible imposition, though, if only because I came back in to find Nolan still naked in bed.
“I gotta say…” I nudged the door shut with my hip. “That view makes getting dressed enough to get our food worthwhile.”
He laughed, and he actually blushed, which was too cute. “Just… break out the sandwiches.”
I did, and we found a movie to watch, and we queued that up for after we were done eating. In the meantime, we lounged in bed and ate.
“This feels kind of weird,” he said after a while.
I turned to him, not sure if I was worried, disappointed, or both. “How so?”
He gestured with his sandwich. “Eating without having to guard my food from the cats.”
“Oh.” I laughed, more than a little relieved. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m not used to eating without someone biting my fingers.”
“I mean, I can help with that if you want.” He snapped his teeth.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, no, thanks. Arrow’s teeth are bad enough.”
“Ugh, right?” He chuckled. “Believe it or not, he was worse as a kitten.”
“Was he?”
“Oh my God, yes.” He tsked, shaking his head. “He was the bitiest little shit.” Holding up one hand, he added, “The first few months I had the cats, I was covered in cuts from all of their claws, but also a lot from his teeth.” As he went for another bite of his sandwich, he grumbled, “Ungrateful gremlins.”
It would never stop being cute as hell that he was wrapped around their tiny paws. Yeah, they’d bitten and scratched him all to shit in the early days, and Arrow still managed to bite or scratch both of us when he tried to get to our food, but Nolan obviously loved them. There really was something ridiculously adorable about how he fawned over them. And, for that matter, how they worshipped the ground he walked on.
“How are they doing, anyway?” I asked. “With us being gone?”
Nolan took a swig of Coke. “Anderson sent me some pictures. Said they’re being hellions, but they seem to be fine.”
“Wait, you got pictures of the cats and you didn’t show them to me?” I huffed dramatically. “Asshole.”
He laughed and grabbed his phone off the nightstand. After tapping the screen a few times, he turned it to me. “There’s four.”
I put down my sandwich, took the phone, and thumbed through the pictures. Of course, they were super cute. Arrow was mauling one of Anderson’s boots. ShiShi was perched in a window, probably trying to murder a bird with her mind. Velcro was, unsurprisingly, curled up in Anderson’s lap. The fourth shot was all three of them at his feet, gazing up at him with wide eyes and probably begging for something he was eating.
It actually made me kind of homesick to see them. I missed their antics and their faces. Sighing, I handed back the phone. “Think they’ll forgive us for being gone?”
“Probably.” He put the phone back on the nightstand. “Nothing an order of sushi won’t smooth over.”
He was probably right. And damn, now I missed Okinawa sushi; the stuff we got in the States just wasn’t the same.
Ah well. We’d be home soon enough.
After we’d finished our sandwiches, we turned on the movie we’d queued up, and I shamelessly leaned on him while we watched. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and if I was honest, I barely followed the movie because I was savoring this so much. It was like now that we’d finally started touching for real, we didn’t stop. Not even when we were both stuffed from dinner and sex wasn’t going to happen.
Was it too much to ask for us to keep doing this? Like, after tonight? After this trip? Maybe I was just craving human closeness after severing ties with my family, but I didn’t think that was the whole story here. Yeah, I still felt raw over leaving my family, but what I was getting from Nolan right now had nothing to do with them. Closeness. Warmth. Casual affection. Neither of us was trying to wind the other up; just touching for the sake of touching.
I loved it.
As much as I’d been wanting more with Nolan for a while now, I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed more. How much I’d needed this.
How do we go back to being casual fuck buddies after this?
All too soon, the movie ended. But that didn’t mean the night had to be over, did it? We were already naked in bed. Why shake things up?
I twisted around enough to meet his gaze. “We should probably get some sleep before tomorrow.” I put a hand on his sheet-covered thigh. “Do you want to stay in here tonight?”
Nolan tensed so subtly, I almost missed it, and he shook his head. “No, I… I’ll, um…” He gestured toward the wall dividing our rooms. “What time do you think we should get moving in the morning?”
“Oh. Uh.” I cleared my throat and tried my level best to keep my disappointment out of sight. “Maybe… nine? Ten?”
Avoiding my gaze, he nodded. “Okay.” His arm loosened around my shoulders. “I should, um…” He gestured at the wall again.
I didn’t argue. I also didn’t understand why it hurt that he wasn’t going to stay. We could fool around and cuddle in front of a movie, but we couldn’t sleep next to each other?
We’ve never slept next to each other. Get a grip.
At least he kissed me before he left. He even let it linger for a moment, making me wonder briefly if he was reconsidering.
But then… he was gone.
And I was alone.
Again.
For fuck’s sake. Why is my alarm going off?
I felt around on the nightstand and grabbed it, then peered at the screen in the gray morning light to see what time it was.
That was when I realized I hadn’t set an alarm last night, and that wasn’t my alarm tone anyway—it was my ringtone.
Kevin .
Panic surged through me. Why was he calling me this early? Was there an emergency?
I accepted the call and asked, “Hey, what’s up?”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you.”
I blinked, then wiped a hand over my unshaven face. “You’re the one calling me at”—I pulled the phone back to glare at the screen, then put it back to my ear—“too fucking early. What’s going on?”
My brother exhaled sharply. “Did you really cut off Mom and Dad?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. This was not a conversation to be had pre-coffee, but here we fucking went. “I did.”
“Seriously?” He huffed a harsh breath. “Dude, they’re beside themselves. What the hell?”
Dropping my hand onto the mattress, I stared up at the ceiling. “They were literally telling Nolan and me that we could easily find women, so they didn’t understand why we were… I mean, I’m just done. Seriously fucking done.”
“Over that? Just because they were trying to—”
“No. No, it’s because they’ve been digging at me about it since I was sixteen.”
“But it isn’t like they threw you out of the house. They still treat you good—they just don’t know what to make of you being gay.”
“And they’ve sure put in a lot of effort to figure it out, haven’t they?”
“Come on. They’re—”
“What if Mom and Dad didn’t like Laura?”
“What?”
“If they curled their lips every time you mentioned her,” I said. “Or if they’d tried to talk you out of marrying her, and then spent all these years letting you know how much they didn’t like you being married to her—what then?”
He was quiet for a moment, and some hope glimmered that maybe I was getting through to him. “So, that’s what this is about? You’re choosing this guy over your family?”
“No.” I had to fight to keep my voice steady. “I’m choosing myself over people who have had plenty of time to accept me but refuse to.”
“Riley…”
“Don’t. Just don’t. You say you don’t want to get in the middle of it. Fine. Then stay out of it.”
“I can’t stay out of it!” He sighed, and I could imagine him throwing up his hand in frustration. “Mom and Dad are a mess. My brother is—”
“Have you had this conversation with them?”
He was quiet for a few beats. “Huh?”
“Have you tried to convince them to come smooth things over with me?”
Another sigh. “Riley, we—”
“No, it’s important,” I snapped. “I need to know: do you want this to actually be resolved? Or do you just want the tension to be gone because it makes you uncomfortable?”
“Does it make you comfortable?”
“No! I hate it!” I threw up my hand even though he couldn’t see the gesture. “I didn’t want this, Kevin. I don’t want it. But what I want even less is to continue gritting my teeth while they keep acting that way toward me. I’ve given them plenty of time. I’ve given them a million chances.” I exhaled, suddenly exhausted by this conversation. “I didn’t just cut them off because they won’t accept Nolan as my boyfriend. It’s because they won’t accept me as me . They’re always going to regard me the way they did when our old dog rolled in shit.”
“What? What does that mean?”
“We love you, but you can stay over there until you don’t stink anymore.”
He pushed out a heavy breath. “Come on. They still love you and they still show it. Just because they can’t get their heads around—”
“No.” I closed my eyes and set my jaw. “Just… no. If I can’t be myself around them—including bringing a partner home and having them treat him the same way they treat Laura—then they don’t love all of me. They love me conditionally.” My throat ached, and I swallowed hard to push back the lump. “I don’t want this, okay? I don’t like it. But it’s the way it has to be until they change.”
“So you won’t accept them ,” he said as if it were some kind of gotcha.
I rolled my eyes. “Actually, I accept them exactly as they are, and because of that, I don’t want them in my life anymore. Who they are is toxic.” I half-shrugged for no one’s benefit but my own. “I know you don’t like when people are fighting or not talking, but I don’t like being treated this way. It’s worn me down so fucking much, and I just can’t handle it anymore.”
“But you’re not even home that much!” He huffed again. “You have to put up with it—what, once every year or two? If that?”
“I’m not going to be in Japan forever,” I gritted out. “And I’ll be retired in another six years. What then? And what happens if I get married?” Just saying the words made my heart drop. I hadn’t given marriage must serious thought because none of my relationships had gone that far, but the thought of wedding photos full of my parents’ fake smiles? Of what my dad might say during a toast? God, that made my stomach turn.
“So you’d rather just not have the family at your wedding?” Kevin asked. “You want them out of your life completely?”
I thought about it, as if I hadn’t already thought about it a million times, and my voice came out a little thick as I said, “Yeah. I would. I love Mom and Dad, but I can’t keep letting them treat me like this.”
“It’s not even that bad, though!” He sounded exasperated now. “Okay, yeah, it’s annoying—it annoys me too—but like I said, it isn’t like they kicked you out or sent you to conversion therapy.”
I shuddered, shifting on the hard hotel mattress. “That’s kind of a low bar, isn’t it?”
He tsked. “You know what I’m saying, though. They’ve been good to you. This one thing, yeah, they’re weird about. But other than that…”
I swallowed hard. “Well, maybe they—and you—should consider that it’s not such a minor thing for me. Instead of being pissed off that I’m going no-contact over something so petty, maybe stop and think about whether it’s that petty after all.”
The long exhalation on the other end wasn’t promising.
“I’m sorry if it means disturbing the peace for you,” I said. “But this is what I need so I can have some peace. I can’t have that while my parents are treating me that way.”
“I think you’re making a mistake.”
“Well, like I asked before—have you had this conversation with them?”
No answer.
“Talk to them,” I said. “And if they’re willing to budge, then I’m willing to talk. But that’s my one non-negotiable condition.”
“All of this sounds pretty fucking non-negotiable to me.”
And with that, he ended the call.
I put my phone on my chest and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I was kind of surprised I didn’t break down and sob over my brother siding with my parents. Over this confirmation that I’d lost my family.
I was mostly relieved, though. Nothing about this situation hurt enough to negate the feeling that I’d stopped carrying a crippling weight after far too long. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to a therapist at some point, just to sort everything out in my head, but I mostly felt… not okay, but like my world was more firmly on its axis. As if the discord with my parents had had me completely off-balance for a decade and a half.
I’d probably do some real grieving at some point. And I probably would look into getting some therapy. But right now, I felt… settled. As if I’d turned a page that I’d needed to turn for a long, long time. It still hurt, and it would for a while, but there was a sense of calm that I’d never experienced before.
No, that wasn’t true. I had experienced it before—when I was on a flight back from a combat tour.
If walking away from my family felt like leaving a warzone, then I was pretty sure I’d made the right call.
And it was with that in mind that I drifted right back to sleep.
All things considered, I felt pretty good when I joined Nolan in the rental car later that morning. Some more sleep, a shower, and some coffee had left me feeling even more settled. While I was still sure therapy would be a good idea, I was confident I could get through the rest of this trip.
And nothing drove that feeling home like leaving San Diego even farther in the rearview.
I usually left my hometown feeling torn apart and furious, and on some level, I had this time too. It was just muted beneath the heavy, comforting calm of a fight being over. Of that “on the plane home from a combat tour” relief.
The more I thought about it, the more I concluded this was the difference between a fresh wound and one that had been cleaned and dressed—it still throbbed uncomfortably, but it was healing.
Yeah. I made the right decision.
As I drove us north, I rolled my shoulders and decided to look ahead, both figuratively and literally.
And what better way to distract myself from this awful funk than to focus on everything I wanted to do with the hot Marine riding shotgun? With a clearer head and a huge weight off my shoulders, I was all about concentrating on something more positive. Not to mention something sexy.
I glanced at him. He was watching the scenery go by, silent as he often was.
So… how to broach the subject? Do it now? Wait until later? Talk about it? Feel him out? That was a tall order when the memory of last night was so fresh and pornographic in my mind.
But with Nolan’s history, a potentially uncomfortable conversation was necessary if we were going to venture into uncharted territory.
After we’d driven for a while, I finally got the conversation rolling. “So. Last night.” I tried not to fidget, as if that might draw his attention to the front of my pants. I wasn’t completely hard, but my mind had been on him for a while now, and things were firming up enough down there that he might notice. I didn’t need that. Staring hard at—staring intently at the road, I asked, “Did you like it?”
“Yeah, I did.” Was he breathless? Or was I imagining things? “That whole between-the-thighs thing—I’ve never done that before.”
“Never?”
Nolan shook his head. “It was, um… It was hot, though.”
“It was. And don’t think I was putting pressure on you when I said I wanted to fuck you. I was just so turned on in the moment, and—”
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “It turned me on, too.”
“Did it?”
“Yeah. Like… a lot.” Nolan shifted around in the passenger seat, the click of his swallow audible even over the road noise. “I really do want us to fuck. Like, I really want to.”
Oh, God. It was my turn for a hard swallow. “Yeah?” I stole a glance at him, and that blush almost made me run off the road. Facing the windshield again, I said, “I was, um, a little presumptuous in the heat of the moment. I should’ve asked—do you top? Bottom? Because I go either way.”
“Bottom.” The answer was firm and didn’t sound the least bit negotiable. I was relieved I hadn’t gone over a line when I’d told him I wanted to top him. At the same time, I’d been quietly hoping he was a top or at least vers, because that seemed safer to navigate, given the past he kept alluding to. I could work with this, though.
“Have you—uh…” I hesitated.
He glanced at me. “Have I bottomed before?”
Well, that seemed like as safe a place as any to get us on the subject, so I nodded.
“Yeah. It’s been a while, but… yeah.”
“How long?” I asked cautiously. He tensed beside me, so I quickly added, “Because it might make a difference, you know? When we’re prepping?”
“Oh. Okay, true.” He paused. “The last time was… four years ago, I think? Maybe five? It’s, um… It’s been a while.”
“Yeah? And you enjoyed it?” I didn’t know how else to ask if that was the encounter that had him so edgy about sex. Though he had said yesterday that it wasn’t a bad experience; still, couldn’t hurt to make sure we were on the same page.
“I enjoyed it,” he said quietly. Then he gave a soft laugh. “I mean, kind of. The guy I was with—he wasn’t that good.”
“How so?”
“It’s…” Nolan paused. “Kind of hard to explain, I guess? It was like he didn’t move much. Or at least, his dick didn’t move much.”
I glanced at him. “How did he manage that?”
“Fuck if I know. He’d basically get all the way in, and then sort of flop against me. Like his hips would be against my ass the whole time, so… I don’t even know what he was doing, but it didn’t work very well.”
I snorted and clapped a hand over my mouth. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to picture…”
Nolan chuckled. “His barracks room had a mirrored closet door. We looked so fucking ridiculous.”
I let go of a laugh, and he joined in.
“Okay, well,” I said, still laughing, “I might not be porn star material, but I’m pretty sure I can do better than that.”
“Oh, I know.” He slid a hand over my thigh, dangerously close to my groin. “You don’t have to tell me you’ll fuck me right.”
I bit back a moan and tried to stay still in the seat, if only so I didn’t push my cock against his hand. “This is going to be the longest drive ever.”
Nolan squeezed my thigh and grinned. “It’s only five—” He glanced at the screen. “Four hours now.”
“Uh-huh. Four hours of keeping my hands to myself when I can’t stop thinking about fucking you.”
His breath hitched and his fingers twitched on my leg.
And I was right—it was the longest drive of my goddamned life.