Page 22

Chapter 22

Nolan

Agreeing to this was a mistake.

I’d known the moment I’d said yes to Matt that it was a bad idea. There’d been no doubt in my mind. I’d just been too spineless to say no to my brother and too protective to say no if my soon-to-be sister-in-law was nervous about being here.

But I shouldn’t have come.

Not to the strip club. Not to Seattle. I should’ve insisted I couldn’t get leave or couldn’t get a flight, and I should’ve stayed on Okinawa with my cats and Riley.

That moment Leann put her hand on Riley was seared into my mind as if someone had hauled off and decked him. To anyone else, she’d been drunk and playful, just trying to keep the bachelorette party wild and crazy. No one would ever believe me if I said it was more than that. No one would ever understand why I hated myself for being too much of a coward to switch places with Riley so he wouldn’t be right next to her.

I’d stupidly thought she wouldn’t do anything out in the open like that.

I was a fucking coward. I was the worst person imaginable, letting Riley unknowingly and unwittingly play human shield.

Fuck. I was going to be sick.

Like… for real.

I took a swig of Coke, but it didn’t help much. I really needed to get the fuck out of this booth and find someplace to pull myself together and maybe keep myself from puking.

But I couldn’t leave Riley here.

I thought fast, then nudged his arm. “Hey, I’m going to go order food.” I tipped my head and raised my eyebrows, silently asking, “come with me?”

“Sure. Yeah.” He nodded. “I was going to suggest the same thing, actually.”

I didn’t know if he’d been looking for an escape from the booth, or if he was hungry. Maybe both. Whatever—I didn’t question him as we got up, and I let Sophia know we’d be back before the show started.

“Oh, you guys are ordering food?” She grabbed the menu off the middle of the table. “Can you get us a flatbread to share?”

“Of course. Which kind?”

She and the girls conferred briefly and settled on a margherita style, and we left the booth. I didn’t give Leann another look.

Halfway to the bar, Riley touched my back. “Hey. You okay?”

I nodded, teeth clenched as nausea wormed its way through me again.

“Nolan.” He halted, and I did the same, facing him in the low light. His dark eyes were full of concern, and he kept his hand on my side as he quietly asked, “Are you sure you’re good?”

“I’m good,” I croaked. “I, uh…” I swallowed hard. “Just don’t like how handsy Leann gets sometimes.”

Fuck, wasn’t that an understatement.

Riley’s brow pinched. Irritation and defensiveness surged up in me, but the genuine worry in his eyes tamped them back down.

“I’m good,” I insisted.

He clearly wasn’t buying it, but as always, he seemed to know when to not push. He nodded, and we continued toward the bar. There was a line, which didn’t bother me in the slightest. A few extra minutes away from our booth? Sign me the fuck up.

As we waited, though, that queasy feeling refused to subside, and my mouth was starting to water in that telltale way that said I wasn’t winning this battle.

I took out my wallet and handed Riley a couple of twenties. “I’m going to hit the head while we’re up. If you get to the front before I get back, order us something to split?”

He blinked, and once again, I was sure he saw right through me. He took the bills, though, and nodded. “Uh. Okay. Chicken, bacon, ranch flatbread?”

Just the thought of eating anything made my stomach lurch harder, but I kept that out of my expression and nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll be back in a sec.”

I kissed his cheek just to reassure him that everything was fine. No luck—his eyes were still full of suspicion.

Without another word, I left, and I quickly found the men’s room. Typical of a club like this that was geared more toward women, the men’s room was empty. I could have my pick of stalls and heave my guts out in peace.

I really didn’t want to, though. I stood by the sinks instead, gripping the cold stainless steel and swallowing hard in between deep breaths. I could keep my stomach where it belonged. I could pull myself together. The memories surging forward could be pushed back to the far recesses of my mind where they belonged. The contents of my stomach could be forced to stay down.

And those awful hands could be made to stay off Riley, even if I had to switch seats with him to be sure. My skin was already crawling at the thought, but tonight I’d learned that the only thing worse than her touching me was her touching him .

White-hot anger lanced through the nausea and memories, and I gripped the edges of the sink tighter. Over my dead fucking body was she laying a finger on him again.

Which meant I needed to be between them, not in here like the weak-stomached coward I was.

I defiantly forced back the nausea, splashed some cold water on my face, and after I’d dried my hands, strode toward the restroom door. I swung it open, stepped out, and—

Stopped dead.

In a heartbeat, I was in another time and place, face to face with everything I’d grown to fear and hate.

Standing right there in the narrow hall, blocking my path, Leann narrowed her eyes as a smirk curled her lips. “Something wrong, Gumby? You look a little pale.”

I swallowed against the renewed queasiness, and by some miracle, managed to not take a step back. Gritting my teeth, I gestured for her to move aside. “I’m going to back to the booth.”

She stood her ground. “Why? So you can hide behind your boyfriend?”

My stomach shriveled. I hated that she was right; that I’d done exactly that earlier. “The show is starting soon.”

“Mmhmm.” She folded her arms and took a step closer. I drew back a little, and my heart dropped when my shoulder blades touched the restroom door.

“Before we go back,” she said evenly, “I think you just need to remember our deal.”

Fresh fear crackled along the length of my spine. Oh, I remembered. The threat she’d used to keep me under her thumb were burned into my memory. “Leann, let’s—”

“And I know your boyfriend will take your side like the little lapdog he is,” she hissed, “but just remember that Sophia saw you grab me too. And so did Carly and Tina.”

My stomach somersaulted, and everything I’d done to keep from vomiting was very nearly negated. Oh, fuck. In the moment, I’d been so furious and so protective of Riley that it hadn’t occurred to me how the exchange might look to anyone else.

“Leann…”

“Just remember our deal.” She patted my chest and smirked. “Because I know they’ll all remember what they saw tonight.”

Then she turned on her heel and disappeared down the hall, heading back toward the club.

I closed my eyes and slouched against the door frame for a moment, my heart racing as my insides threatened to unravel. Fuck. Fuck!

Get a grip, Nolan—she’s going back to where Riley is.

That thought snapped me right the hell out of it, and I forced back bile as I damn near sprinted back into the club. I found the booth and all four of the ladies, but no Riley.

Where was—

Oh. Right.

I found the bar where we’d been in line a moment ago, and thank God, he was still there. He was next in line, casually scrolling through something on his phone.

I stepped up beside him, and he looked up, mouth open as if he was ready to speak, but then his eyes went wide.

“Hey.” He shoved his phone in his pocket and touched my chest, unaware that his hand had landed in the same place Leann’s had. “You okay? You look like you just ran the PRT.”

Did I? Was I sweating? Hell, probably.

I took his hand and kissed his palm. “I’m good. I’m… I think this place is a little warmer than I expected.”

His eyebrow arched. Oh yeah, he probably saw through that bullshit. We lived on a subtropical island, for fuck’s sake.

He snaked an arm around my waist. “Are you sure you’re okay?” His eyes asked what his mouth didn’t: Is there something you’re not telling me? Because we both know I can see it.

I reeled him closer and kissed his temple. “I’m fine. I think I’m just clubbed out.”

He grunted, partly in agreement and partly in what I thought was, I’m dropping this now but we’re talking about it later .

I just prayed I could find a way to dodge his questions later. I didn’t want to talk about this. Not now. Not ever. Not with the man I was leaning on harder than I had any right to.

Fortunately, the bartender picked that moment to call out, “I can help who’s next.”

“That’s us.” Riley loosened his hold on me and stepped up to the bar.

As he ordered, I took a few deep breaths. I could get through this. I’d be fine.

All I needed to do was get through it, get back to the hotel, take the longest, hottest shower of my life, and sleep for a few hours.

Then I’d feel close enough to better that I could get through the wedding and the rest of this trip. After that, we could get the hell back to Okinawa and our apartment and my cats, and I could get back to letting the five thousand miles of ocean between home and here soothe me to sleep every night.

Two diametrically opposing feelings clashed in me as I followed Riley through the hotel lobby.

One, my skin was absolutely crawling from the whole evening. I wanted out of these clothes and into the hottest shower I could stand until I’d rinsed away every memory and molecule still clinging to me from tonight.

The other? A deep, primal need for the man walking ahead of me.

I wanted the touch of someone who not only desired me, he gave a shit about me. He cared about what I wanted—not just getting me off, but if his touch was welcome at all. The need to draw him closer and the revulsion to being touched had my head spinning and my stomach twisting itself into knots.

In the elevator, he put a steadying hand on my back. “You okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just…” Want you. Want a scalding shower. Want to be alone. Want to fuck. Shaking myself as the elevator stopped, I said, “It’s been a long night.”

“It has.”

We shuffled down the hall, and we reached my room first. I hesitated, holding my keycard but not touching the door.

Riley rocked on his feet. “Do you, um…” He tilted his head toward his own door and raised his eyebrows. “Should I go…”

“I, uh…” I stared down at the ugly carpet as heat rose in my face. I wanted us to get naked and go nuts until I couldn’t think anymore, but I knew my body wouldn’t cooperate. Not this time. Not while I wanted to climb out of my own skin. “I can’t really promise much, but if you want to come in for a little while…”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

I held his gaze, and his eyes backed up his comment.

Without another word, I touched the card to the reader and let us inside. As I shut the door behind us, that grossed-out feeling intensified. As if now that I was close to a shower and clean clothes, I needed to scrub away tonight. Like now .

“I don’t want to do anything,” I said cautiously, “but I could really use a shower after tonight. Do, um… Do you want to join me?”

Past experience had me bracing for a scoff and “Oh, yeah, let’s get naked but not do anything. Blue balls sounds like a great way to cap off the night.”

But Riley nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.” He tugged at his shirt and wrinkled his nose. “I’m sweaty and gross anyway—that place was hot as hell, and not in a fun way.”

I laughed, more with relief than anything. “Yeah. It was.”

We stripped off our clothes without any fanfare, and we stepped into the small shower. For a moment, I regretted asking him to join me; I wanted to blast the hottest water I could stand, but I didn’t want to scald him.

But then he was spreading soap across my back. His touch was gentle. Not groping, not trying to spin me up—just a soft touch that was more comforting than I’d anticipated. Of course, I returned the favor, and when he turned his back to the water to rinse off, he put his hands on my waist and pulled me in close.

“This okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” I wrapped my arms around him. The words “Why wouldn’t it be?” almost came, but I caught up. He knew I wasn’t feeling it tonight; he was probably making sure this wasn’t pushing it. “It’s good,” I said, and pulled him a little closer. “I like it.”

He smiled and dusted a light kiss across my lips. Then he rested his head on my shoulder, and we just… stood there.

And oh, fuck, I liked it. My dick stirred a little, and I thought his did too, but he seemed to understand, same as I did, that that was just a physical response. He wasn’t going to push for anything sexual any more than I was.

I hated that we weren’t having sex right now. I wanted him thrusting into me, fucking me into oblivion so I forgot all about everything else.

But this…

Standing here with nothing but the sound of the shower, holding each other while I stroked his wet hair… was perfect.

“You okay?” he asked.

I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Yeah. Just… a lot on my mind after tonight.” I cringed inwardly. Jesus. That was just asking for him to try to get the truth out of me, wasn’t it?

But he just slid his hands up my back and lifted his head to meet my eyes. “Anything you want to tell me about?”

“No,” I said quickly. “No, it’s…” I shook my head. “I’d rather not think about anything else tonight.”

Riley quirked his lips, and I could see the questions in his eyes, but thank God, he let them go. The curiosity and concern had to be killing him by this point, but he always seemed to know when to back off.

You can trust him, a little voice in my head whispered. You should tell him.

The first part, yeah. The second? Well, I’d already been a coward tonight. Why not continue that trend by keeping my past to myself so Riley didn’t bail on me?

So I didn’t tell him. I didn’t say much of anything and neither did he. We took a long shower, dried off, and then lay in bed for a while, still not speaking. I hated this silence, but I was also grateful for it. Grateful for him .

“Thanks for being there tonight,” I whispered.

“Don’t mention it.” He was quiet for a moment. “Think the cats have forgotten about us?”

The laugh that bubbled up was a relief after this long, miserable evening. “Nah. They’ll be thrilled when we get home.”

“You think so? Arrow gives you the cold shoulder whenever you have overnight duty.”

“Yeah, and he’ll be aloof this time, too, but a few treats and some scritches and he’ll get over it. He always does.”

Riley chuckled. “We could bring them all some new toys, too. Just as insurance.”

“Trust me—they’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but they won’t be upset over new toys.”

I eyed him. “So what you’re saying is… you want to go buy toys for the cats.”

He shrugged, his expression full of innocence. “I mean I wouldn’t be opposed to it. Especially if it meant peace offerings.”

I laughed and kissed him lightly. “I think we can arrange a trip to PetSmart or something before we leave.”

“Good. But maybe not catnip. It’ll be just our luck some drug-sniffing dog will think it’s hashish.”

I snorted. “Wouldn’t our commands love that?”

“Oh God. ‘Hey, sorry I was late getting back. You see, my boyfriend and I were detained because some dog at the airport couldn’t tell the difference between catnip and hashish, and—’”

We both collapsed into laughter, and oh God, that felt good. It didn’t fix a damn thing, but it was a salve on my bruised soul tonight.

As we calmed down, I said, “It’ll be good to get home. I miss the cats.”

“Me too.” He paused. “I miss taco rice, too.”

“Do you?”

“Are you kidding? That shit’s the best.”

“You know we can make it here, right?”

“I know.” He shrugged. “But it’s just not the same, you know?”

He had a point. Taco rice in Redmond would probably just make me more homesick for the café where we usually ate it. Or the balcony where we sometimes had dinner when the weather was nice.

Goddamn. I really was homesick.

And we’d be home soon. Not nearly soon enough, but… soon. With any luck, that would carry me through the rest of this trip.

Riley picked up his phone off the nightstand and sighed. “I guess we should get some sleep.” He sat up slowly. “I’ll, um… I’ll get…” He gestured at the door.

Disappointment had my heart sinking, but a whole other feeling—an urgent sense of no, this is wrong —had me sitting up too.

“Wait.” I gently caught his elbow, and my heart pounded as he turned around and met my gaze with wide eyes. Nerves coiled in the pit of my stomach, and I internally debated my options for a couple of heartbeats. I still landed on the same conclusion, though.

“Stay,” I whispered.

His lips parted. “You… You want me to stay?”

I nodded.

I didn’t know how to explain that while I was nervous as hell about spending the night beside him, I didn’t want to face all my reawakened demons alone tonight.

And… even if those demons didn’t exist, the simple truth was…

“I want you to stay.”

He blinked, and for a moment I thought he might say no. If it was such a big deal, me having someone stay with me, then he didn’t want to tangle himself up in—

“Let me get my stuff.” He smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

Almost overcome with relief, I nodded. “Okay.”

As soon as he’d left the room, I indulged in a few deep breaths, willing my heart to slow down. I wanted this. I wanted him here with me. Sharing a bed with someone had been a minefield for me. Hell, it had been awful sharing a barracks room or—worse—the communal barracks in boot camp. But at least I’d always had my own bed.

Tonight, though, I wanted Riley close. I wanted him next to me.

He came back a few minutes later, suitcase and toiletry kit in hand. His expression was still full of uncertainty, but as we went through the motions of getting ready for bed, he relaxed.

So did I.

Settling into bed with him was an even better feeling than getting him off or taking him inside me. I loved his warmth. I loved the way he curled against me and draped his arm over my waist. I was sure we’d separate during the night—everyone did sooner or later—but this was still perfect.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He kissed the back of my shoulder.

I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

His body tensed minutely against mine. “For what?”

“That everything is so… That nothing is easy with me.”

“It’s easier than you think.” He laced our fingers together against my chest.

I sighed, fighting the urge to grip his hand tight. “But it’s harder than it should be.”

“Something tells me it’s a lot harder for you than it is for me.”

Why did that have me suddenly choking up? Maybe because tonight had been such a damn roller coaster?

Or maybe because I’d been hiding and apologizing for my past for so long, it was foundation-rattling to have someone validate it. To know what a mess I was, and to stay. To acknowledge that I had trauma. To not fucking leave .

And he didn’t even know the truth.

I exhaled and brought his hand up to kiss his fingers.

I was going to have to tell him sooner or later. He deserved to know. And more and more, I needed to get it off my chest and tell someone who I could actually trust.

Not tonight, though. I was exhausted. I was in bed with Riley.

I was in the arms of the man I loved more than I ever thought I was capable.

Sleeping beside Riley was an amazing experience. For one thing, I actually slept. For a while, I’d just lain there, listening to him breathe, and for once in my goddamned life, my demons hadn’t been whispering in my ear. There’d been habitual fear, but no real fear that I’d wake up to something happening that I hadn’t consented to.

Despite all the recent reminders of my awful past, I knew without a doubt that Riley was safe. Someone I could trust implicitly, even when I was asleep beside him.

It was with that thought that I finally managed to fall asleep. There’d been dreams, of course, because there were always dreams. Each time I’d startled awake, I’d found him there beside me, sound asleep, his body heat warming my skin even as the remnants of a nightmare tried to keep me cold.

Somewhere in the night, we’d separated. I didn’t remember him letting go of me or me rolling away from him, only that we ended up a few inches apart.

As the sun started peeking in around the room’s thick curtains, though, he’d curled against me again. The morning wood pressed up against my ass wasn’t a hint or a demand, and I’d relaxed enough that I’d managed to fall back asleep myself.

During one of those moments when I was awake, I was aware that there were some tough conversations in our future. I didn’t want to look my past in the eye or lay it all out where Riley could see it.

But I would.

And I just hoped the man snoring softly beside me would stay.