Page 18

Chapter 18

Nolan

I felt amazing after the game. My parents had unknowingly prodded at some old wounds early on, but then everyone had been focused on hockey, and the past had fallen away. I’d forgotten how much I loved going to games—it was way more fun than watching it on TV.

It turned out Riley enjoyed it too. He didn’t know the sport, and he’d never been particularly interested in watching it, but he’d gotten more into it than I’d expected. He’d booed the bullshit calls. He’d stood up and cheered for goals like a lifelong fan. When a couple of guys dropped gloves, he’d screamed bloodthirsty encouragement along with the rest of us until his voice was as raw as mine. At the end, he’d celebrated Seattle’s win as enthusiastically as the rest of us, shouting and high-fiving with us and strangers as we’d all filtered out of the stadium.

By the time we dropped off my parents and headed for our hotel, I was flying higher than I had been in ages.

And oh my God, I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel.

As I waited for a light to turn green, I slid my hand over Riley’s thigh. “You’re not tired, are you?”

The muscle beneath my hand tightened as he fidgeted. “Depends. What do you have in mind?”

I glanced at him, and even in the low light, the heat in his eyes was unmistakable. Facing the road again, I squeezed his leg. “Pretty sure we’re on the same page.”

I seriously loved how restless he could get when he was turned on and had to wait to do something about it.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “We’re on the same page.”

I chuckled and accelerated through the green light. My heart sped up as the hotel came into view. “I, um… I might want to try something else tonight.”

Those muscles tensed and twitched again, and the seat creaked as he squirmed. “Such as?”

I licked my lips, struggling to keep my focus on the road instead of the man beside me. I wanted to slide my hand higher and find out if he, like me, was already getting hard.

But I didn’t want to run off the road, so I just rasped, “Don’t know yet. Just… kind of enjoying trying new things, I guess?”

The sound Riley made had me squirming in my seat. I could literally see our hotel from here, and it still wasn’t close enough. I wanted us naked and in bed right the hell now.

I was admittedly nervous, but I dismissed that as habit. I was nervous with everything I tried with everyone. Everything Riley and I had done so far, though—even all the things I’d been stupidly afraid to try—had been hot and perfect. This wouldn’t be any different.

Maybe tonight I can finally fuck that perfect ass.

Oh. Hell.

Yes. That was what I wanted. And I wanted it tonight. I’d been nervous as hell about everything we’d done beyond blowing and jacking each other off, and every time, I’d been nervous about nothing. It was easy. Afterward, I’d caught myself thinking, Jesus, what was I so worked up over?

Sex with Riley was easy, and it was amazing, and it didn’t yank on all my mental tripwires the way I’d worked myself into believing it would.

So why keep holding back? Why not do everything I’d fantasized about doing with him? Especially since he’d admitted to fantasizing about the same things?

Not a moment too soon, I parked outside our hotel, and we finally got upstairs to Riley’s room. The instant the door was shut behind us, his mouth was on mine and we were peeling clothes off like they were on fire.

I still couldn’t believe we’d gone so long without getting naked together. I understood my own reasoning for it, and I didn’t question that. But every time I sank into bed with him, especially with my hips between those thighs and his hands sliding up my back—fuck, I never wanted to have clothes on around him again.

He pushed his hips up, rubbing his hard-on alongside mine. “Does hockey always turn you on like this?”

I laughed as I kissed down one side of his throat. “I mean, did you see those guys?”

He laughed too, sounding vaguely drunk. “Okay, point taken.” Then I nipped his shoulder, and he sucked in a sharp hiss, arching under me. “Fuck, Nolan…”

“So you get it?” I said with a grin. “Hot hockey players, and—”

“Shut up.” He pulled my head back and kissed me. “They’re hot, but they’re not the reason I’m…” He pressed his erection against me.

I moaned and pressed back, my humor evaporating in the heat of his hunger. “Tell me what you want.”

“Anything,” he murmured. “Just want to make you scream.”

I slid my hands down over his ass and ground against him. “Anything?”

“Anything.” He swept his tongue across his lips and gazed up at me, eyes full of need that matched my own.

The words came without thought: “I really want to fuck you.”

As soon as I said it, I knew I meant it to the core. Just the thought of pushing into his tight hole had me trembling with desire.

Riley bit his lip. “I thought… I thought you only bottomed.”

Heart pounding, I whispered, “I want to change things up.” With you, I didn’t add. Only with you. I searched his eyes. “Do you want to—”

“God , yeah. Are, um…” He held my gaze. “Are you sure?”

“Uh-huh.” I dug my fingers into his ass cheeks. “I want you so bad.”

That little whimper and the way he melted against me—fuck, there wasn’t a sexier man on the planet than the one I was kissing and touching. And I was going to fuck him tonight? Finally?

Jesus, I was going to come just thinking about it.

“Lube?” I asked.

“Nightstand.”

I pushed myself up and reached for it. “Turn over?”

The way he grinned as he shifted positions had my body temperature soaring—I needed to be inside him, and I needed to be inside him now .

I almost told him I hadn’t done this in a while, but I bit that back. I hadn’t, but I knew what I was doing. I didn’t want him to think I was a complete novice, that I wouldn’t have a clue what to do, or that I might hurt him.

And I sure as hell didn’t want to explain why I hadn’t topped in so long.

I banished that thought as quickly as it had come up, and I busied myself putting some lube on my fingers.

Riley looked so damn sexy, too. Laid out on his stomach, legs slightly apart with his arms folded under his head—he may as well have been waiting for a massage, and that thought intrigued me too.

Another time. As much as my mouth watered just thinking about kneading and rubbing every inch of his naked body, I had other plans tonight.

I ran my hand up the inside of his thigh, loving the way that made him squirm. When I teased his hole with a lubed fingertip, the pillow muffled his voice, but I still caught that he was cursing.

I grinned. “Like that?”

“I’ll like your dick even better.”

I laughed, making sure he heard it. “You’ll get it, don’t worry.”

He grumbled something else, and this time, the pillow kept it from reaching me.

Fingering him open was sexier than I’d expected. Not just because it made him writhe and moan, but because it ratcheted up my anticipation of pushing my cock into him.

I gave myself a few pulls just to appease that craving for friction. It didn’t help much; just made me want to push into him sooner. I wanted to hear how his loud his moans and cursing could get while he was taking me.

And the view would be—ungh. It was even hot watching my fingers sliding in and out. My cock? Oh, fuck, I couldn’t wait.

The view wasn’t just sexy because I had a perfect angle to watch myself penetrating him. There was also the view of him . His sculpted back and shoulders. His gorgeous legs. The way his muscles rippled whenever he shivered or tried to fuck himself on my hand. How had I gotten so lucky that this beautiful man was naked in bed with me?

That he wanted me inside him as much as I wanted to be inside him.

“Nolan,” he moaned. “Just… Just fuck me already.”

“You sure you’re ready for me?” I pushed two fingers in again just to tease him.

He rolled his hips, probably rubbing his cock against the sheet. “I’ve been ready for you all night. Just fuck me, damn it.”

I bit my lip. Oh, hell, yeah. As I withdrew my fingers, I said, “Up on your knees.”

He muttered something like “About fucking time,” and I gave his ass cheek a playful smack. He glanced over his shoulder, grinning.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes as I reached for the lube.

“You can do that again, by the way,” he said. “Slap my ass? I like it.”

“So I noticed. But that’s only when you’re being a brat.”

“Uh-huh. Which means now I’m going to be extra bratty so you’ll—mmm, yeah.” The second slap was harder, and oh, hell, he wasn’t kidding about enjoying that.

Duly noted.

I knelt behind him and lined myself up. As I teased his hole with the head of my dick, he whimpered and let his head fall forward.

A flurry of awful memories whirled through my mind, sending a miserable shudder through me. For a second, I was on the brink of panic, sure I’d killed the mood for myself, but Riley picked that moment to shiver and breathe, “Fuuuck…”

I laughed as those ugly memories scattered. “That’s what I’m doing,” I said. “Fucking.”

He just moaned and leaned back, as if trying to draw me in.

Which he would have… if my erection hadn’t started to flag.

Seriously?

I gave myself a couple more pulls, ostensibly to put on some more lube. What the hell? Those thoughts were gone—mostly—and this was about right here, right now. Not the past. I wanted Riley. I was safe with Riley. Just needed to push in and I could go to town on him like I’d fantasized about.

Come on, come on. Stay hard. What the fuck?

Whatever part of my brain was controlling my dick had apparently checked the hell out, though. And nothing I did could bring it back online.

I stroked myself. I fingered him. Slapped his ass to make him moan and distract him from my distraction. Called up all those fantasies of him and me that I’d jerked off to. Thought about him topping me and how hot that had been.

It all made me hot and made me want him so damn bad and—

An unwelcome memory surged to the surface, chasing away all those fantasies and memories.

My cock hard and ready despite my mind screaming no, no, no. Sliding in. Hot and tight. Physical pleasure intertwining with fear, revulsion, and—

“Nolan?” Riley murmured, yanking me back into the present. “You good?”

“Yeah. Yeah. Just…” I laughed self-consciously. “Trying not to come.”

He chuckled. “I know the feeling. Take your time.”

I focused even harder. Teasing him. Fingering him. Fantasizing about us and remembering the sex we’d had before. I wanted him, and I wanted to be inside him, and I wanted to be inside him tonight . Now .

My dick, however…

For fuck’s sake. Really?

More ugly memories wormed their way in. Fantasizing didn’t help—every sexy mental image twisted itself into things I’d never been able to forget.

My frustration only added to the problem, and I started going from “not quite firm enough for entry” to “the punchline of every impotence joke ever.”

Goddammit.

Defeat took over, and I gave a resigned sigh. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

Riley twisted around to look over his shoulder. “You okay?”

“I’m good. Can’t really say the same about…” I pointed downward.

“Can’t really— oh. ”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t look at him. I could barely get my voice to work. “I don’t fucking get it, but…”

“Hey. Hey.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me lightly. “It’s okay.”

His gentle reassurance only made me feel worse. I was as safe as I could possibly be with him. But I still couldn’t do this? What the fuck?

“Talk to me,” he whispered.

I didn’t want to. I really wanted to retreat to my own room and wallow in all this embarrassment alone.

He deserved better, though.

“I don’t know what’s happening.” I laughed bitterly. “I just know what’s not happening.”

I was convinced he was going to scoff and roll his eyes, but instead, he pulled me closer. “Okay. Then we won’t push it. There’s still plenty we can do.” He paused. “I mean, if you want to. If you’d rather stop, we can—”

“No, no, I don’t want to stop.” I shook my head. “I don’t know if I’m going to get it up and finish, but I don’t want to leave you hanging.”

“There’s no pressure from me,” he whispered, and kissed me softly. “Let’s take a breather for a few minutes, and then we can figure out what we want.”

I hated that idea. I knew exactly what I wanted, and that was to be pounding into his ass until we got a call from the front desk telling us to keep it down.

Maybe he was right, though. Maybe we just needed to chill for a bit, then get back into it.

I settled on my side next to him, and he rolled to face me. As he draped his arm over my waist, I said, “It’s, um… It’s probably not going to happen tonight. Topping you, I mean.”

“Okay. It doesn’t have to happen tonight or any other night.” He cupped my face and kissed me softly. “As long as we can make each other feel good… I’m happy.”

I sighed. “There’s just… I mean, everything we’ve tried so far has been easy. I guess—I don‘t know, I guess I worked it up into something in my head, and then it was just…” I flailed my hand, and I hated how goddamned weak and pathetic I sounded as I added, “I thought this would be that easy, too.”

Riley held me closer, which only made me feel like even more of a failure. Every time I thought I was far enough ahead of my nightmarish past, it crept in like black mold, seeping in and taking hold until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I knew everything with Riley was safe. That sex with him was nothing like what had happened back then. This man had proven, time and time again, that he would never push, that my consent and pleasure were paramount, and that more than I’d ever been with anyone else, I was safe with him.

But the moment I tried to lose myself in exactly what I wanted… it all came crashing back in.

I wanted to explain it to him, too. I didn’t want him to think this was because of him. I also didn’t want him to think I was stupid and pathetic, though; failing to keep my dick hard was humiliating enough without also explaining why.

“I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes. “I felt so damn good tonight. Like everything else didn’t exist, and it was just us, and…” I trailed off, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me.

Riley drew back a little. “Nolan. Baby. Look at me.”

Shame and humiliation kept me avoiding his gaze.

“Please?” he whispered. “Look at me?”

I finally did, and I found nothing but gentleness in his expression. And maybe a tiny bit of amusement, which made me want to shrink away and die.

But he touched my chin and murmured, “The first time I topped you, I set a new land speed record for going off too soon.”

I blinked. “You…”

“Remember?” His lips curled into a playful grin. “I barely got in and”—he snapped his fingers—”that was all she wrote.”

“I, um… I remember.”

“Right. So I’d be a hell of a hypocrite to be an asshole because you’ve got some nerves tonight. Some completely understandable nerves. Or even if it just… happened. Because let’s be real—sometimes dicks don’t cooperate, and they don’t always need a reason for it.”

The quiet laughter that tumbled out of me felt good. Like there was hope that this humiliation wouldn’t last forever.

“Don’t sweat it, okay?” he said. “I mean it. We’re both still going to get off tonight—don’t worry.”

Sighing, I sank into his embrace and buried my face against his neck. This had to be the most surreal part about sex with Riley. At every turn, when I was sure he was going to flip out at me or laugh at me or think I was a pathetic loser, we landed like this—his strong arms around me while his gentle words reverberated through my mind.

“It’s embarrassing,” I admitted.

“I know.” He stroked the back of my head. “I wanted to curl up and die when I went off too fast.”

I lifted myself up again to meet his gaze. “It bothered you that much?”

His cheeks colored as he nodded. “Are you kidding? Somewhere, there’s a support group for premature ejaculators who would all hear my story and say, ‘okay, you know what, I’m good.’”

I snorted. “It was just one time, though. And there’s worse things than getting too excited, you know?” I grimaced. “Like being excited and your body saying, ‘nah, not into it.’”

He was already shaking his head. “It’s just dicks being—well, dicks.

I chuckled. “Yeah, they kinda do that sometimes, don’t they?”

“They do.” He slid his palm up my chest. “Let’s take the pressure off, then. We don’t have to fuck tonight.”

The words “But I want to, damn it” almost slipped out, but I didn’t want to sound pathetic. And besides, it didn’t matter how much I wanted to—it wasn’t going to happen.

“We could,” I suggested. “If you want to be on top.”

Interest sparked in his eyes. “Is that what you want?”

I licked my lips. “I don’t see many scenarios where I’ll say no to you fucking me.”

He just grinned and drew me into a kiss. As much as I’d convinced myself I’d killed the mood, nothing about Riley’s kiss said I had. I let myself get swept up in his enthusiasm, and before long, we were making out as frantically as we had been earlier. He’d gone soft too, but he quickly came back to full attention, and to my surprise, I wasn’t far behind. As we tangled up in each other, we frotted and rutted, both seeking out that delicious friction. I wanted his dick in my ass, but I also didn’t want to stop this.

Apparently we were on the same page. Tugging my arm so I’d follow him, Riley rolled onto his back. “Get back on top.”

I did, and then my arms almost collapsed from under me when he started stroking lube onto my cock. “Oh, Jesus…”

“Like that?”

“Of course I—oh, fuck…” I let my head fall beside mine. His fingers were around both of us now, pressing the undersides of our dicks together, and every time he moved… his hand, his dick—holy fuck, that was hot.

“I want you to fuck me,” he whispered shakily. “But… God, right now, I want to come so bad, and…” He trailed off into a moan.

All I could do was whimper. I rocked my hips, and my vision went white as my cock slid through his grip and against his slick hard-on. Nerves still tried to creep in alongside those ugly, dark memories, and I was afraid I’d lose my erection again, but every stroke one of us took chased more of those fears away. I was hard as a rock, and my worries faded as my orgasm closed in.

We fell into the most amazing rhythm, both of us gasping for breath as he pumped us and I thrust. He might’ve been moving his hips, too—I was so far out of it, all I knew was how good it felt and how sexy he sounded as he mumbled, “Oh, baby, that’s good, that’s it, fuck—I’m gonna come like this…” while the bed shrieked beneath us. “If you still want me to fuck you, say so, because—”

“Come,” I growled through gritted teeth. “Just like this.”

He arched and cried out, and his grip tightened as his cock slid alongside mine, and then he was shouting and bucking beneath me as his cum mingled with the lube.

Before he’d caught his breath—before I’d caught mine—he released his own cock and started pumping mine in earnest. His slick, frantic strokes had my head spinning, and I thrust hard into his fist as we both chased my orgasm.

“Come, baby,” he purred. “That’s it. Come on me. Come all—”

I didn’t hear whatever he said next over my own strangled cry, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with an orgasm so intense, I was surprised I didn’t start sobbing. I thrust for all I was worth, desperate for every last bit of bliss we could wring out of me, and then I shuddered and exhaled.

As I relaxed over him, Riley murmured, “Fuck, that’s hot.”

Uh-huh. It was.

We shared a quick shower, then dropped into his bed again. As the dust settled and we relaxed, everything from earlier crept back into my mind, along with the embarrassment.

“I’m, uh…” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry things didn’t quite, uh, work tonight.”

He offered a tired smile. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I came hard enough, I almost blacked out.”

“True. I just… I wish we could’ve…” I trailed off as renewed heat rose in my face.

“We’ll get there.” He tipped up my chin and kissed me, letting it linger for a long, perfect moment. “There’s no pressure from me, okay? We’ll get there when we get there.”

I fucking wanted to get there right the hell now, but… I appreciated what he said, too. When he said there was no pressure, and when he reminded me that I wasn’t the only one whose dick had misbehaved while we were in bed, I believed him. I could release my breath and genuinely believe he meant it—we’d get there, and there was no pressure.

“Thanks for being patient with me,” I whispered.

“Don’t mention it.” He kissed under my jaw and settled on my shoulder.

For the longest time, we lay like that, tangled up naked on the bed we’d rumpled. I had a flicker of desire to stay this way all night, but I ignored it. As much as I wanted to spend the whole night just like this, it wasn’t a good idea. Especially not when the demons of my past had already managed to sink in some of their claws.

I reluctantly sat up, gently freeing myself from his arms. “We, um, we should get some sleep. There’s a bunch of family stuff tomorrow.” Just thinking about that made my insides constrict. There were things I was looking forward to on this visit, but others I definitely wasn’t.

Riley trailed his fingers down my chest, and when our eyes locked, I could see the unspoken offer.

Stay here tonight. Sleep with me.

As much as I wanted to, though, I couldn’t.

“I’ll, um…” I rolled to my feet. “Text you in the morning? When I’m ready to go?”

I had to give him credit—he tried to hide the disappointment. Still, it was impossible not to see. His smile was genuine but halfhearted, and his eyes were a dead giveaway.

“Yeah,” he said flatly. “Text me.”

I leaned down for a light kiss, then got up and collected my clothes. I threw on my jeans but carried everything else, and I slipped out of his room and into mine.

Our rooms were mirror images of each other—identical right down to the bland prints on the wall, just flipped. The beds in my room were on the left, his were on the right. It was almost like stepping into a parallel universe where everything was the same, but… not.

Especially the part where Riley wasn’t here.

He was just on the other side of the wall, but he felt miles away. As if he had never left Okinawa, and we’d just FaceTimed for a little while instead of getting each other off after a hockey game.

Should’ve stayed with him.

Yeah. Maybe. But I’d never been able to sleep with someone else in the room. Not since my late teens, anyway. Sleeping at boot camp, in barracks, and in those stuffy, cramped shipping containers in warzones had been miserable for everyone, but for me there’d been the added layer of not being alone. There was always someone else—often multiple people—in the same space. The first time I’d been able to get an off-base apartment of my own had been more liberating than getting the hell out of Redmond. I could finally sleep without worrying that someone else was in the room. That someone else was awake while I was asleep.

But that didn’t mean it wasn’t lonely. It was a painful contradiction; I couldn’t cope with another human being in the same space where I was trying to sleep, but I also ached for the closeness of someone sleeping beside me. That had only intensified as things had become more intimate with Riley.

I want him here. I trust him.

But that fear was bone-deep. I was afraid sleeping together would play out the same way tonight had—that I’d be so sure I was ready for something, only to find out the hard way (so to speak) that I absolutely wasn’t. Riley had already had a front row seat to my inability to top him. What would he think if I said we could sleep together, but then I freaked out? If he touched me in the middle of the night and I panicked? Because that might happen. I didn’t know if it would, but I didn’t trust myself to keep it together all damn night.

Leaning against the door of my hotel room, I closed my eyes and exhaled into the silence.

What am I going to do when you realize how much of a mess I really am?