Page 4

Chapter 4

Nolan

An hour or so after we came back from dinner, I stared blankly at the TV. Velcro was in my lap and Arrow was draped across the back of the couch behind my neck. God only know where ShiShi was, and I’d long since lost track of whatever was on the screen.

I did feel better after earlier. A couple of quick blowjobs, a walk down the street, and some good food and a beer had helped. I wondered if Riley knew taco rice had become comfort food for me, or if he’d just tossed it out there as a suggestion. Plus he knew I sometimes needed to go walk when I was frustrated or upset.

Suggesting a blowjob, a walk, and taco rice? Maybe he knew me better than I thought. I didn’t think he or anyone else paid that close attention, but whatever. I’d take it.

I was also relieved that he’d taken my cue to drop the subject. He’d skirted dangerously close to it, but he hadn’t pushed. I liked that about Riley; I was a closed book about most things, and he never tried to pry. Though he was a cop trained to get information out of people, the instant I gave the slightest hint that I didn’t want to talk about something, he moved on without missing a beat.

And he hadn’t seemed grossed out or disgusted when I’d very, very slightly tipped my hand after he’d asked about a “creepy uncle.” I’d lied and said no one knew; the truth was, I’d told a handful of people outside my family, and they’d never taken it well. I was a liar. I was a pussy. I was a spineless little bitch.

Riley had seemed horrified by it, but I hadn’t gotten the impression he was grossed out by me or thought less of me.

Because he doesn’t know the whole story. Tell him the details, Nolan. Tell him everything. Then see how long he sticks around.

I shuddered, squirming on the couch. Velcro lifted his head and chirped at me. I petted him, which got him kneading and purring, which in turn soothed me a little.

At least my cats won’t ever judge me.

Well, except if I’m late to feeding them.

I managed a laugh at that thought, but it didn’t help much. I was still deep in this funk, queasy from showing even the edge of that card to Riley and still dreading going home in April. I’d managed to avoid that for most of my career. It had been especially easy for the past four years—two when I was stationed on Iwakuni, and two that I’d been here. Living on an island five thousand miles from home made it easy to stay away. All I had to do was make a few excuses about not being able to take leave or get on a military flight, and nobody back home asked any questions. I still had two more years here before I’d go someplace else, and if I was lucky, it would be some other remote overseas assignment.

The more miles between me and home, the better.

But there were things that made going home unavoidable. A few months before I’d transferred to Iwakuni, I’d gone back for my grandmother’s funeral. Two years before that, while I’d been in Florida, there’d been my grandfather’s funeral.

I wasn’t even lying sometimes when I said the military was the reason I couldn’t go. Three months after my older brother announced his wedding date, I’d found out I was heading to Afghanistan. The Marine Corps wasn’t at all interested in whether a combat deployment clashed with something personal, so that had given me an easy pass out of going home for that. Thank fuck.

Now Matt was getting married. And I adored my little brother and his fiancée, who I’d known since we were all in high school. I couldn’t miss their wedding. Especially not when he wanted me to be his best man.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I’d make it work. I’d get through it, just like I got through my other sparse visits. I’d weather the guilt from my family because my niece and nephews didn’t even recognize me, and everyone would tell me all the things I’d missed out on. I’d laugh and shrug it off, saying I did the best I could, but duty called. And besides, they posted everything to social media, so it was almost like being there.

A door opened and closed at the end of the hall, nudging me out of my thoughts. ShiShi jumped down from where she’d apparently been perched on the windowsill, and she trotted up the hall, chirping like she often did when she saw Riley.

“Hey, you.” His footsteps paused. He’d probably stopped to pet her. A moment later, he resumed walking, and he appeared in the living room with the black-and-white cat on his heels.

I thought he might go into the kitchen or something, but he dropped onto the couch and locked eyes with me. “Question.”

I raised an eyebrow, my insides twisting because oh, God, he was going to ask about my past, wasn’t he? I hazarded a non-committal, “Yeah?”

He barely seemed to register ShiShi hopping into his lap, though he did pet her. Still focused on me with those disarming dark eyes, he asked, “Are you out to your family?”

I blinked. “I… Yeah. I’ve been out since I was fourteen. Why?”

“Because I have a proposition.” He twisted toward me, pulling his knee up onto the couch between us.

“Okay?”

“Feel free to tell me if this won’t work.” He showed his palms. “Or if it’s just a no-go for whatever reason. But hear me out.” Lowering his hands, he said, “What if I went with you? To your brother’s wedding?” He paused. “Like, as your”—he made air quotes—“‘boyfriend?”

I sat up a little. “Sorry, what?”

“You’re nervous about going because somebody there did…” He waved his hand. “The specifics are none of my business, but what I’m gathering is that there’s somebody there you understandably don’t want to be around.” An upward flick of his eyebrows asked, Right?

I nodded uneasily.

“Right,” he said. “So maybe it would be easier for you if you didn’t have to be alone around them. And if everyone thinks I’m your boyfriend, then no one will question why we’re joined at the hip.”

It took me several seconds to process what he was suggesting. “You’re… You’re willing to travel all the way back to the States and go to all my family bullshit…” I inclined my head. “Just to keep me away from…”

“Would you feel safer that way?” he asked pointedly. “If you had someone with you instead of going it alone?”

I chewed my lip as I absently scratched behind Velcro’s ears. Honestly? Yeah, I would feel safer with someone there with me. And he was right that if I went with a partner, everyone would expect us to be together. Plus that would give us an excuse to not stay at my parents’ house; my old bedroom was fine for me, but it wouldn’t accommodate a couple. Which meant I would be less accessible to other people who would be in and out of that house. Especially when I was sleeping. That alone gave this some serious appeal.

I studied Riley. “What’s in it for you, though?”

“Well, that’s where the other side of my proposition comes in.”

I stiffened, guard going up. “What other side?”

He chewed his lip. “The wedding is in April, right?”

“Yeah, April nineteenth.”

“Okay, well, my family usually has a big shindig for Easter. They’re not super religious, but they make a big deal out of Easter for whatever reason and—anyway, I…” He hesitated, some color rising in his cheeks, which was cuter than it should’ve been, and he absently continued petting ShiShi. “I’d like to bring a boyfriend home, too.”

“But I’m not really your boyfriend.”

“No. And that’s fine.” He shifted a little, fidgeting on the couch. “It’s…” He rubbed his neck and sighed. “The thing is, I’m out to my family. Have been since I was sixteen. But they…” He exhaled hard, letting his shoulders drop. “They don’t get it.”

“What… What don’t they get?”

“Like, I think it’s still kind of abstract for them? It’s hard to explain. They still talk to me like I’m going to bring a woman home at some point, and about my future wife and kids, all of that.” Riley rolled his eyes. “They’re not hostile toward me. They’re not mean about it. They’re just kind of…” He quirked his lips. “I guess what it boils down to is that I think if I bring a guy home and say, ‘this is my boyfriend,’ it might get it through their heads that I’m really gay.” He paused. “And having you there as a fake boyfriend—I mean, maybe that’s better than bringing home the real deal.”

“How do you figure?”

“Because neither of us is invested. If my parents reject us as a couple, then we can just sort of throw up our hands and move on.” He grimaced. “I… Honestly, I really don’t want to find out how they’ll react to me bringing home a boyfriend when I’m bringing home the real thing, you know? Like it’ll still sting if they shit on you and me, but since we’re not actually together, it won’t hurt as much as—I don’t even know if that makes sense.”

“No, I get it.” I got his concerns, anyway. I’d never understand people who couldn’t accept us or didn’t understand us. What was there to understand? Man attracted to man, man fall in love with man, man in a relationship with man. Seemed pretty straightforward to me. But maybe I’d been spoiled by a family who had way more issues with their son giving up a full ride scholarship to join the Marine Corps than with him liking dudes. The only thing they ever gave me grief about really had been a choice, not some innate part of who I was.

I shifted a little. “How do you think they’ll react? To you bringing home a boyfriend?”

Riley shook his head. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t. And if they react badly to it, I mean…” He sighed and rubbed his eyes before draping his arm across the back of the couch. “Either they’ll finally get it through their heads, or… Or I might have a really, really hard decision to make.”

I straightened. “Like… cutting them off?”

Chewing his lip, he gave a slow, reluctant nod. “I don’t want to. I really don’t. Especially because they aren’t, like, nasty, Pride-protesting assholes. They never threw me out or anything. But it’s been sixteen years of stupid comments and questions, and… I’ve just had enough, you know?”

“I get that. It sounds exhausting.”

“It is,” he admitted. “I’ve avoided going home a lot. I tell them it’s because of airfare and leave, but mostly, I just know what I’ll be walking into.”

I blinked. “Whoa. That’s… That’s kind of been my situation, too. Avoiding going home.”

Riley winced, dropping his gaze to ShiShi. “I think most people would say you’re pretty damn justified.”

You’d be surprised, I didn’t say out loud.

“Like I said,” he went on, “my parents have never been cruel or nasty. It’s just that constant questioning and acting like I should be growing out of it—it wears me down, you know?”

“I think it would wear anybody down.”

He met my gaze. “It really, really does. And I’ve hit my limit.”

“Which is why you want to bring someone home and make them acknowledge the truth once and for all.”

“Exactly.”

I chewed the inside of my lip. “So, I go as your boyfriend to make your parents face the fact that you’re gay. You come to family stuff with me so I’m not alone.” I petted Velcro as I met Riley’s gaze again. “Okay. That sounds like a fair trade.”

He exhaled as if he’d been hanging a lot of hope on me agreeing to this. “Awesome. Where do your folks live, anyway?”

“Seattle.”

“Ooh, doesn’t the Patriot Express land there? That’s hella convenient.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, it is.” Everyone stationed here got one round trip flight back to CONUS each year, and the flight—called the Patriot Express—landed at SeaTac Airport. Convenient indeed.

Even more convenient, there was limited space on that flight, and you didn’t know until the day of—literally as the flight was boarding—if you were getting on. So if I couldn’t make the flight— oh, darn, I guess I won’t make it home. Sorry, I tried!

Well, that had worked for previous family gatherings I’d “apologetically” missed. No one had to know I hadn’t even bothered going to the terminal those days; I just told them I hadn’t made the flight, and oh well, better luck next time.

But this was my little brother’s wedding. I was going, damn it, even if it meant dealing with all the shit I’d been avoiding all this time.

“Maybe a commercial flight would be the way to go,” I said quietly. “It’s pricey, but at least then we’ll have guaranteed seats.”

Riley seemed to think about that. “Maybe? My budget’s a little tight. Maybe I’ll fly over commercial, come back on the Patriot Express. I…” He waved a hand. “I’ll figure it out.”

“I can spot you if you need it,” I said. “We’ve got a few months anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

Oh, I was sure. Now that I had someone there as backup when I faced my hometown and my family, I’d cough up for first class if that was what he needed. But I just said, “We’ll make it work. We’ve got time. Where is your family, anyway?”

“Southern California. And there’s an airbase there, too—the last couple of times I’ve been home, I flew into North Island on a military flight.” He paused. “But… you’re right about commercial. It’s more reliable. I guess we can fly into one of the major airports in California, then hop from San Diego to Seattle?”

“Works for me.” I didn’t even want to think about the logistics of planning our flights yet. If we went commercial, we’d have to fly domestically to Tokyo, then figure out the best way to the West Coast, and… yeah, we had time. I didn’t have the headspace to iron that out tonight.

For now, we settled in to chill in front of the TV, diving into a cop drama that we’d been binging lately. It cracked me up, listening to Riley groan and snark at the liberties the show took with policework, and that was exactly what I needed tonight.

Even as I watched the show, my mind kept right on racing, just in a different direction. I was going to have backup ? I didn’t have to face my family alone? That was surreal. I didn’t know how much it would actually help, but I’d take it.

The tradeoff seemed fair enough. Posing as Riley’s boyfriend wasn’t a huge ask. If I hadn’t been such a goddamned trainwreck who couldn’t trust anyone farther than I could throw them, I’d have considered dating him for real if he was interested.

Which… I needed to keep those lines crystal clear, both between us and in my own mind. We were roommates who sometimes got each other off. Maybe friends if I squinted hard enough.

Anything beyond that had to stay off the table.

Over the past couple of months, I’d caught myself getting more attached to Riley than I should, and that was dangerous. Hell, it was stupid. I’d known from day one that it was only a matter of time before he bailed just like everyone else eventually did.

Maybe this trip was an even better idea than I’d thought. There’d be no escaping what a trainwreck I was, so it would just speed up the inevitable. By the time we returned to Okinawa, he’d probably already have a new place to live lined up.

It would suck, but at least then I would no longer be waiting for him to get sick of me and leave.