Page 30

Chapter 30

Nolan

With a gun to my head, I couldn’t have recalled anything between the church and our hotel. Riley could’ve driven us past a field full of purple cows, down a crowd-lined parade route, and under a UFO, but I wouldn’t have remembered. Nothing registered.

One minute, I was dropping into the passenger seat of the rental car.

The next, we were in the bed we’d shared last night, lying in silence as I rested my head on his shoulder and he stroked my hair.

I replayed the scene at the church over and over in my head like a combat flashback. Sometimes it was so surreal, I wondered if I’d imagined the whole thing. But the throbbing in my face was always there to remind me that, no, I hadn’t imagined it.

One minute, I’d been trying to collect myself enough to walk down the aisle—again—with Leanne.

The next, blood was trickling out of my nose and my whole family was in shambles.

And now…

Now we were here. And I didn’t know what to do next. Of all the ways I’d imagined my secret coming to light, I’d never thought it would play out like it had. Guilt, shame, anger, humiliation—those were the only feelings I could name, but they sure as fuck weren’t the only ones banging around inside my pounding head and ping-ponging off my aching ribs.

After we’d been in this bed for God only knew how long, Riley gently broke the silence. “I’d ask if you’re okay, but… I’m pretty sure I know the answer.”

I closed my eyes. “I’m better now that we’re here instead of there.” As my own words replayed in my head, I sighed. “And… also worse.”

“I bet,” he whispered, running his fingers through my short hair. “I’m sorry it went down like that.”

Wincing, I rolled onto my back and gazed up at the ceiling. “I just ruined my brother’s wedding. And now my other brother hates me.” I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Pretty sure they both do right now.”

“I doubt that.” Riley slid up next to me and rested a hand on my stomach. “Everyone’s in shock right now. But once the dust settles…” He didn’t finish that. Maybe he expected me to do the math. Maybe even he couldn’t convince himself things would be better than they were right now.

I closed my eyes and sighed. At least he was still here. For now. I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if we got back to Okinawa and he announced he was moving out of the apartment.

I didn’t know what I’d do without him. Same thing I did whenever anyone inevitably bailed on me—move the fuck on.

He was here now, though.

I went back and forth between wanting to get the hell back to Okinawa and dragging my feet. I needed to get away from Redmond and all the people and memories here. I needed to leave just like I had the instant I’d graduated high school.

But I was also afraid to leave this time, because as soon as we were feet dry on the island again…

I swallowed hard.

Maybe Riley wouldn’t even wait that long. Maybe he’d be checking the Patriot Express schedule as soon as he had a second, and he’d head to SeaTac at the first available opportunity to hop back to the island. I’d come home to an apartment without a trace that he’d ever lived there except for the three cats who’d be waiting at the door the next time he was due home.

Either way, he’d be gone. No one stuck around for this hot mess, and tonight had probably ensured our days of living together, sleeping together—hell, knowing each other—were numbered.

Is it really too much to ask for someone to stay this time?

After what happened tonight…

Yeah, probably.

It was again Riley who broke the silence.

“Listen, this is completely out of my wheelhouse,” he admitted softly. “I… don’t know what I should do or say. But if there’s anything I can do right now, even if it’s just drive you up into the mountains so you can scream into the void…”

I managed a thin laugh at that. “That sounds kind of tempting, honestly.”

“Say the word.” He nudged me playfully with his shoulder. “There’s mountains near here, right?”

“There are.” I met his gaze. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

He smiled, the expression full of warmth and sympathy that I didn’t think I deserved. It also stoked an ember of something entirely different that didn’t seem even a little bit compatible with this situation. With this moment.

At the same time, though, I was tempted to see if we could coax that ember into a flame. Maybe this was the wrong time, and maybe it was the wrong thing—hell, my skin crawled at the same time my heart raced, as if my body couldn’t decide if I was repulsed, intrigued, or both.

I swallowed. “Would you think I was weird if I said I’m not even a little bit horny, and the thought of sex kind of makes me nauseous, but I also really want to fuck?”

Riley blinked, and for a second, I thought he would say I was exactly as weird as I though I sounded. To my surprise, though, he squeezed my hand. “Nothing has to make sense right now. If that’s what you want—if it’ll make you feel good right now in the middle of this godawful shitstorm—then say the word.”

My lips parted. “Really?”

“Of course. Baby, anything you need. Anything you want.”

My throat was tight and my eyes stung, and my voice came out embarrassingly weak as I asked, “Why are you even still here?”

Riley straightened. “What? Where else would I be?”

“Anywhere?” I threw up my free hand. “Look at me, Riley. Look at everything that happened tonight. I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length with all these rules and boundaries and no explanation, and then I dragged you into all this bullshit, and…” He dropped his hand into his lap and whispered unsteadily, “Why haven’t you walked away from me yet?”

“Do you… Do you want me to walk away from—”

“No.” I gripped his hand tighter. “God, no. I just… can’t figure out why you haven’t.”

The way he stared at me right then, I honestly wondered if I’d said all that in Japanese. He didn’t seem to have understood a word of it.

I swept my tongue across my lips. “Why are you doing so much and putting up with so much for me?”

“Why… What?”

My shoulders fell. “People don’t stick around. Either they find out what happened to me and they judge me, or they’re okay with that part but can’t handle the gauntlet of boundaries I’ve put up because of it. Everyone who gets close to me—eventually, they…” I waved my hand. “They leave.” I looked at him. “I just can’t figure out why you’ve stuck around this long.”

Riley’s eyes were wide. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. When he lowered his hand and met my gaze, his expression was a mix of fatigue and bemusement. “Really?”

“Yeah? I don’t get what—”

“Because I love you, dumbass!”

I stared at him. He stared right back at me.

Sighing, Riley pulled me in closer. “I mean it.” He touched my face, carefully avoiding the tender spots. “I love you, Nolan. I’m in love with you. I…” He shook his head. “This thing we have—it isn’t something I’m going to run away from because some asshole hurt you.”

My throat tightened. I could barely process any of that, never mind come up with words that would do all these emotions justice. I’d spent my whole adult life protecting myself and not getting too close to anyone. I run away from any kind of attachment because I was too ashamed of my past and too sure people would leave if they knew, because that was what exactly they all did.

And here was Riley, who’d patiently waited while I dropped one defense after another until I’d let him in closer than anyone had ever wanted to get, and now… this.

Finally, I said the only thing that I possibly could in that moment: “I love you, too.”

He smiled like he was actually relieved that I’d said those words. Had he doubted I loved him? Hell, maybe. I’d been terrible about showing it, and I had no idea what I was doing, and—

“Nolan.” He looked right in my eyes. “Whatever you’re thinking—don’t.”

I blinked. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve got that look like you’re overthinking everything.” Still smiling, he shook his head. “Don’t.”

And before I could respond—before I could think, over or otherwise—his lips met mine.

Oh, God. His kiss was…

I could describe it in a lot of ways. It had been mind-blowing from the first time we’d finally crossed this line, but tonight, it hit me in places I didn’t know existed. Like here was this man who’d had a front row seat to what an unmitigated disaster I was, and he still had his warm palm against my cheek while his soft lips moved with mine.

Riley’s kiss was always a million things. Tonight, it was…

Freeing .

That was the word. That was exactly the word.

My entire world was on its ass, and none of that was over yet, but Riley’s soft kiss silently gave me permission to let go. I couldn’t fix anything tonight, and I didn’t have to. I could just be here. In his arms. With the man who knew all the things I’d tried so hard to keep hidden, but he wasn’t shying away. He wasn’t holding back.

I was raw and ripped apart, terrified my entire family was about to turn their backs on me and hate me, but someone was still holding on.

Someone still wanted me.

Someone…

Someone loved me.

Broken parts and ugly secrets and all.

I drew back and met his eyes, and there wasn’t just warmth in them—there was heat. Need. Desire. It didn’t seem possible to feel this way after brushing up against my trauma like I had tonight, but it also made perfect sense. I needed Riley, and I needed to fall into the hunger and safety and love that I’d only ever found with him.

I licked my lips. “So if I said I wanted to get naked…”

Riley squirmed, and he pressed against me so I could feel the thick ridge beneath his pants. “Is that what you want?”

There was no vacillating or contradictions in me now—I wanted him. Full stop.

“Yeah.” I kissed him lightly. “Get those clothes off.”

We had every stitch of clothing off so fast, they might as well have evaporated. Then we came back together in the middle of the bed, and I had never found the heat of another man’s body so utterly intoxicating in my life. I couldn’t keep my hands off him, and I reveled in the closeness, our hard dicks pinned between us as we kissed like our lives depended on it. Maybe mine did depend on it; tonight, nothing would’ve surprised me.

I nudged him onto his back and straddled him, and when I started kissing his neck, Riley arched and swore. He dragged his nails across my shoulders as he thrust up against my cock.

“God, Nolan…” he murmured. “I want you so bad.”

I groaned against his throat. “Me too.”

“Probably… Probably shouldn’t fuck.” He dug his nails into my skin. “But anything you want—tell me how to make you feel good.”

His comment that we shouldn’t fuck clashed against a few thoughts; at first I was disappointed and even a little annoyed. Why was he dismissing it outright? But I caught up quickly. It had been a rough night. Relaxing enough to take him? Probably not going to happen. And this definitely wasn’t the time for me to try topping him again. Not with all my demons still growling in my ear.

“We don’t have to fuck,” I said against his throat. “Just… Just want…” I couldn’t finish that, and kept kissing up and down the side of his neck. From the little whimper, he was good with that. I grazed my sore cheekbone across his skin, but I didn’t care. I was too caught up in doing everything I could think of to make Riley feel good.

I didn’t give a damn if I came. Not now, not ever. I felt amazing even while I felt horrible, and everything I did made Riley gasp and moan, which chased away more and more of the horrible feelings. I stayed on top of him, and we made out as we both stroked each other. Neither of us was pumping fast or hard—not yet—this was just slow and easy, our hands falling into sync with each other.

The nights of jerking each other off or blowing each other, fully dressed without kissing, seemed like little more than a fever dream now. I couldn’t imagine being this close to Riley with barriers between us. I wanted his hot skin against mine, and I craved his perfect, mind-blowing kisses.

“This good?” he asked breathlessly.

“Y-yeah. I have no idea if I can come…” I paused just to find some damn air. “But this… this feels so damn good.”

“There’s no pressure,” he panted. “I just want you to feel good.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face against his neck. Though it didn’t seem possible tonight, I did feel good. God, I so did. Awful, too, but somehow that sharp edge of pain made the bliss even better. As if there was a reminder, front and center, of something bad just to drive home how good this was.

Before long, we were falling into a familiar rhythm, our movements fast and frantic, our breathing sharp and rapid. Riley arched under me, fingers digging into my shoulder as he thrust into my hand. I hadn’t thought an orgasm was on the table for me, but as he started to unravel under me—oh, hell, I was going to lose it, too, and just imagining coming all over him had me on a hair trigger.

“Oh God,” he whispered shakily. “You’re gonna make me come.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh. Keep…” He gasped and thrust harder into my hand. “Fuck, Nolan, just like that, just like that…”

If he said something else, I didn’t catch it because I was suddenly there, unloading into his hand and onto his stomach as a strangled cry escaped my throat. Riley’s whimper and the way his whole body jerked under mine only drove me on, and for a few perfect seconds, nothing existed except release and perfection.

With a long, blissed out sigh, I relaxed over the top of him, though I was careful to let him breathe. “Jesus Christ, I needed that.”

“Me too.”

I touched my forehead to his. “I love you, Riley.”

He trailed his fingers down the back of my neck. “I love you too.”

Then I sank all the way down, once again burying my face against his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me. I didn’t care that he had cum on his hand; we’d shower in a minute. Right now, I just needed this—being wrapped up in him while we shut out everything that wasn’t us.

Tonight had been hell. My secret had come out in the worst way at the worst time. There would still be fallout from that, and my family would never be the same again.

But somehow, I’d landed here.

Somehow, this man loved me.

And somehow, he wasn’t letting me go.