Page 91 of Isolation

I thought she was about to bring up the last time we had sex. In my haste to distract her from what I did, I brought up the worst night of her life, the root of her nightmares.

I watch her quietly, not allowing my own panic to show on the surface.

Raven stares at me and then shakes her head as if chasing that thought away.

She ignores the awkwardness and asks another question. “During that time, did you try anything other than sex to climax? I know some people are into playing and bondage—”

“No,” I answer without hesitation.

“Nothing else that got you off?” her voice is devoid of all humor, unlike last time.

“No,” I answer again, unable to leave out the irritation in my voice this time.

“Have you ever tried BDSM?” Raven ignores my tone.

“Yes,” I unsurely admit.

“Are you into it?”

“A few people I slept with were into it.”

“What did they want you to do to them?” she presses.

“Tying them up, handcuffs, spanking, choking—”

“Choking?” Raven emphasizes the word. “Hurting them?”

“If that’s what they wanted,” I try to say it as if it’s no big deal, hoping to move on.

“Dominating them?”

“Sometimes.”

“How about role play? Have you done role play?” Raven determinedly peruses ahead.

“Yes.”

“Did it ever include forced sex fantasies?” Raven asks much too casually.

I freeze.

I finally understand why she has been so curious about my sexual history. It’s not because it was an off-limit topic.

All of this time Raven has been trying to find out if my sexual history somehow shaped the outcome of what happened between us.

She is trying to find a justification for my actions. If my actions are a result of past trauma or it shaped my behavior, then I don’t have to take responsibility for the things I have done. And she doesn’t have to hate herself for still wanting me, despite my past actions.

Unlike what she believes, I don’t have a morbid past. Nor did I lose my shit because I had too many responsibilities.

I lost my shit because she is a part of me, and being without her is the same as being without my limbs. You can’t live without the most vital organs and parts of your body. It’s the same concept. There are no reasons for my actions other than pure deprivation of her.

However, you can’t exactly explain that to the victim of your actions.

“No,” I give her my stoic answer.

“Have you ever forced yourself on anyone else other than me?” Raven’s voice is eerily calm.

She has every right to an answer, but that doesn’t help with the tightness in my chest.