Page 154 of Isolation

Our group consists of privileged kids, all scattered between New York, LA, and Europe.

Now that we are all adults, it’s normal for us to take weekend trips for birthdays, spring break, New Year’s Eve, or any excuse for a get together.

We both get invited to the same trips, but we have an unspoken understanding. If one of us RSVP’s to a trip, the other one quietly backs out.

Most often than not, she backs out.

I’ll hand it to her. She’ll never act in an unclassy way. It’s beneath her.

Following her lead, I have never made an issue of it either, but our friends have picked up on the tension.

So, this year they preemptively hounded us both for months to start doing our birthday celebrations together again. This time they settled for a neutral territory: Jaco, Costa Rica.

Was it possible for me to say no?

Absolutely. I could have said no and put my foot down.

But somewhere in that sick, masochist mind of mine I wanted to see her again. I have been walking around in this hollow shell of a body for too long.

If I saw her again, there would finally be something more than nothingness.

I knew that. I wanted to feel again. I agreed to it. As did she.

Our friend Janeen took the lead from booking the flights to booking the massive Airbnb. I insisted on footing the bill for the Airbnb, not wanting to giveherany upper hand.

Money isn’t much of a challenge for us anymore. Growing up, we considered ourselves to be upper-middle class, even though outsiders might have considered us to be rich.

However, after Milo graduated from college, he never let us worry about money again. He created an app while he was in college and as the majority share owner of the app, he is quite successful.

I never ask him for anything but he takes care of all of my bills.

Leave it to Milo to make it impossible to hate him.

And I don’t.

I don’t hate my brother for what happened with Raven. I am pretty sure he hated himself enough for what happened. He was sullen after Raven left.

My guess is that he felt awful about letting it get that far with her.I think Milo knew of her feelings but I never saw him encouraging her crush.

Milo was drowning when he had to become our parent. A lot of it was my fault.Shehad a calming effect on him. She admired him and gave him unconditional support.

When he thought she expressed an interest in Asher, I am guessing he felt threatened about this support being taken away and he gave in.

Obviously the responsible Milo emerged after the momentary lapse in judgment. He broke it off, which explains why she made such a quick exit for Paris.

Her pride was wounded from the rejection.

I could almost understand why Milo sought her out for comfort. He relied heavily on her for his sanity when he couldn’t rely on me.

But what was her excuse?

She had none. She knew how I felt about her and Milo. She still pursued him and completely fucked me over. After shattering my life, she just up and left me.

Even with all of my numbed feelings, I can still remember to hate her for that.

Which is why I don’t understand what made me think this was a good idea.

It was not a good idea.