Page 37 of Hold ‘Em Tight (Solidarity Academy #4)

“It’s pretty much being pregnant and not knowing you are,” he answers.

My breathing picks up as a ringing starts in my ears. I can’t breathe. He’s wrong. He has to be wrong. I’m not pregnant. I’m not!

Am I?

“Y-you're telling me that I really am pregnant?" I manage to gasp out as a panic attack starts to set it. “I didn’t l-lose my baby?”

“No, Rylee.” He smiles. “You didn’t lose your baby. If you want, we can do an ultrasound right now, so you can see for yourself.”

His words hit me, breaking the dam. I burst into tears, which quickly leads to heavy sobs.

All this time, I was pregnant. I spent months grieving a baby I didn’t lose.

Months lying to the men I love, because I thought I was saving them from being hurt. When really I was just causing more pain for myself, as well as taking away their right to be there for me during this pregnancy.

I’ve pushed Trevor away, when that's exactly what he was trying to do.

Who am I? What have I become?

“Rylee, baby, breathe,” Trevor says, cupping my face.

“I’m sorry,” I sob, clutching at my chest. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I keep crying, unable to stop.

“Hey, hey.” Trevor's red-rimmed eyes stare back at me. “It’s okay. You need to calm down. Breathe. This isn’t good for the baby.”

“I’m sorry,” I wail. “I just wanted it all to go away. I didn’t know. I thought I lost the baby.”

“I know.” He sits next to me, pulling me into his arms. “I know. Shhh. It's okay. Everything is going to be alright now.”

“No, it’s not.” There’s snot running down my face, but I don’t even care.

I’m too much of an emotional wreck. This is too much to handle right now.

I feel like the biggest idiot. The worst girlfriend.

What kind of mother doesn’t even take care of herself while pregnant.

My poor baby. I didn’t even go to the doctors at all.

“You knew,” Mateo growls. “You knew this whole fucking time that she was pregnant and you didn’t say anything!”

“I wanted to tell you,” Trevor insists. “But it wasn’t my place.”

“You told him, but not us?” Donny asks, looking hurt.

“No,” I say desperately, shaking my head. “He found the test. I didn’t tell him.”

“So, if he didn’t find it, then none of us would have known about the baby?” Colton asks, looking so broken.

I did this. This is all my fault. I knew this was going to hurt them more than if I just confessed in the beginning. I’m so fucking stupid.

“I wanted to tell you. But with everything that was happening with Lennox, I didn’t want to add more stress to your lives.”

“That’s our fucking baby,” Mateo croaks.

“No matter what was going on in our lives, knowing you were going to give us a tiny little human, that was part of one of us, isn’t stress, Rylee.

It’s a fucking gift.” He rubs at his chest and I cry harder.

I’m spiraling, and I don’t know how to stop crying.

“I was going to tell you, but then I thought I lost the baby, and… and…” I’m gasping for air now, clawing at my chest.

“Rylee.” Lennox cups my cheeks. “Baby, breathe.” I blink up at him rapidly, letting in little whimpering breaths. “That's it. In and out. You've got this. Breathe for me.”

I listen to the sound of his voice, using it to anchor me in this moment.

“That's my girl.” His voice breaks as he puts his forehead to mine. “My beautiful, amazing girl.”

“Lennox,” I sob out his name. He climbs onto the bed and pulls me into his arms.

“I have you, baby. I’m here. And I’m so fucking sorry. This was all my fault.”

No, it’s not. None of this is any of our fault. It’s Missi’s.

No. That’s also a lie. I was wrong. I lied. I fucked all of this up.

My body feels heavy and my head feels sluggish. The tightness in my chest hurts every time I take a breath. But the tears have finally slowed.

With my head on Lennox’s chest, I focus on his heartbeat as I continue to take small breaths.

“I’m not sure what exactly is going on with all of you, but I think this should be discussed at another time. Stress like this isn’t good for Rylee or the baby,” the doctor states from the end of the bed.

“The baby,” Mateo whispers. “She’s really pregnant?"

“Yes.” The doctor nods.

“We’re having a baby.” Donny laughs. “We’re having a motherfucking baby!” he cheers.

Even though the guys all still look torn about me keeping secrets and lying, one by one, each of them starts to smile.

“Holy shit.” Colton runs a hand through his hair. “We’re going to be dads.”

“Who’s the pappy?” Donny asks with a big grin. “I’m the fucking pappy!”

Deep down, I’m thrilled about all of this. About still being pregnant. That I didn’t lose my sweet baby, and the fact that each of my men are excited. But I knew that. I always knew they would be. I just let my own fucked up mind control me.

Even so, I feel numb. Like there’s so much information for my mind to process, that it’s shutting down again.

Still clinging to Lennox, I hold a hand out toward Trevor, my lower lip quivering. If he doesn’t take it, I won't blame him. He should turn around and run. He deserves so much better than what I’ve given him.

But because he’s so damn amazing, like always, he takes my hand and sits on the other side of my bed. “I’m sorry.” I feel myself getting ready to cry again.

“ I’m sorry,” he says.

“Why?” I frown.

“Because this whole time you thought you lost the baby, and here I was, bringing it up all the time?—”

“Stop.” I shake my head. “Nope, we’re not going there.”

“But—”

“No.”

“Rylee.”

“No. You can speak all you want, if it’s telling me where to go and how to fucking get there, but you will not blame yourself. Not one bit.”

He licks his lips and nods. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again. “I never should have asked you to keep something so big a secret. I put you in a bad spot. I had no right.”

“It was a complicated situation. No matter how we look at it, it is what it is. What matters now is that everyone knows and we have to figure out how to move forward.”

I look around the room, and all of my guys’ eyes are on me. There’s still so much left unsaid, and there’s plenty of conversations that we need to have.

“I know I keep saying this, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less true. I’m sorry for not telling you. I was wrong. And no matter what I say, it won’t change that. If you don’t want anything to do with me, I’ll understand. I just want you to be in this baby's life.”

“Cherry.” Donny snorts, shaking his head. “Don’t you think for a moment, in that pretty little head of yours, that any of us are going anywhere. If we can forgive this fucker for what we thought he did, what you did is nothing.”

“Speak for yourself,” Mateo growls. “Don’t think you're going to get off that easily.” My stomach sinks. He steps forward and leans down, getting in my face. “You’ve been really fucking naughty, Rylee. Understand me?”

“Yes.” I nod eagerly, though I'm not entirely sure what is going on right now. His expression isn’t exactly anger anymore, but more… lust?

Okay, I really need some sleep. I’m fucking delusional right now.

“This isn’t going to be something we push under the rug.

What you did, it’s big,” Colton says, and I get that sinking feeling in my stomach again.

“But that doesn’t mean we won’t forgive you.

It’s just going to take time. We love you.

So fucking much. We just want you to love us enough to trust us with stuff like this, okay?

I understand you thought you were protecting us, but we’re a family, Rylee.

It’s the same thing we said to Lennox. Family sticks by one another's side. We’re there for the good and the bad.

You just need to let us have that chance to show you. We can’t do that if you're not honest.”

“I know,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. We all do.”

“How about something a little more happy?” the doctor says. Shit, I forgot he was even here. “Who wants to see their baby?”

A whimper clogs my throat. How many times have I dreamed of this, only to be convinced it was never going to happen? And now, this man is saying it's real.

“I do,” I croak out. “Please. I want to see my baby.”

Those were the same words I cried myself to sleep saying for months.

Now, it’s going to be reality.