Page 30 of Hold ‘Em Tight (Solidarity Academy #4)

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

“ Y ou going to get that?” Rylee asks as her hand on my knee flexes, giving it a little squeeze.

“No.” I don’t look away from the TV.

“Colton. You can’t avoid her forever. Don’t you think it’s time you talked to her?

I’m not saying you have to forgive her, but at the very least, hear her out.

Haven’t we learned that just ignoring the people who’ve hurt us, without getting all of the facts, just ends up hurting us more in the long run? ”

Grabbing the remote, I press pause and sigh, letting my head fall back against the couch. “I know. It’s just…” I roll my head to the side so I can see her. “I know that once I see her, talk to her, listen to her cry and beg me to forgive her, I’m going to.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Rylee smiles softly. “She’s not able to hurt you the way she did before. Not anymore. You got her the help she needed, and she seems to be taking it seriously this time.”

Rylee is right. Mom has tried rehab in the past, but didn’t make it past the weekend before she was demanding to leave.

It’s been months since she went this time, and she has no plans on leaving, from what the facility has told me.

They said that while she’s on track to recovery, she doesn’t want to leave just yet, as she wants to make sure it sticks this time.

Fuck .

“I have to go see her.” I close my eyes as nerves swarm my stomach.

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asks.

“No.” I shake my head. I don’t want to add anymore stress to her plate. “This is my problem. I’ll deal with it.”

“You know you have a family of people who are always here for you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

I want to ask her, if that's true then why is she choosing to go through her pain alone. I might not know what’s going on inside that pretty little head of hers, but I know there’s something. And while I want to ask her to open up, I don’t want to push her.

“I know. And I’m so blessed to have you all.” I take the hand that’s on my knee and bring it up to my lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “But I think I need to do this on my own.”

“I love you.” She smiles. “And I’m proud of you.”

“I love you more.” I grin back. “And thank you. It means the world to me.”

Since everything that happened with Donny the other day, and her confession about sleeping with Lennox, she’s seemed a little less stressed. Not by much, but she seems a little more relaxed.

I’m not sure whether it’s the false hope that the blackmailing threat is true that is the reason or not.

I want our suspicions about Lennox to be both true and not, at the same time.

Because if he was blackmailed, then he’s been going through a world of pain all by himself.

And we’ve been hating him for no reason.

He might not have cheated on Rylee and Mateo at all, but was forced into something he didn’t want to do.

Just thinking about it makes me sick. We’ve been trying to get a hold of him, to see if we can meet up and talk, but he hasn’t been answering his phone, and we haven’t seen him at school.

With winter break coming up, as well as his wedding, our time is limited. We need to talk to him before the wedding happens. To hear his truth and go from there. If not, I don’t think any of us are ever going to be able to get over this.

With school and cheer, and working hard almost every day to get ready for Nationals, it’s been so easy to forget about the real world. But then there’s moments like this, where everything is quiet, and it all comes rushing back.

At least, if I go see my mom, it’s one thing I can mark off my list, and maybe I'll be able to breathe a little easier.

I love my mom, and while I don’t believe we can ever have the relationship we once did when Katie was alive, I’d like to at least make my peace and see what we might be able to salvage.

After kissing Rylee goodbye, I grab my car keys and wallet before leaving the cheer house.

It’s better to get this done now before I chicken out again.

I’m lost in my head for the duration of the drive to the facility, and by the time I pull into the parking lot, I’ve worked myself up into a mess.

“You can do this, Colton,” I tell myself, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths to try and relax my racing heart.

The truth is, I'm honestly afraid to go in there. Not because I don’t believe that my mother has changed—from what her voicemails and the workers have told me, she has.

It’s the fact I don’t remember what it’s like being around my mother when she’s healthy.

All I know is her high on benzos, or drunk out of her mind.

I can’t remember the last time I had a full conversation with her when she was in her right mind, sober.

But what I’m most afraid of is seeing her healthy, building that relationship with her again, only to have it come crashing down around me.

She’s all I have left of my old life. Dad has nothing to do with me, and my favorite person on this earth is gone.

I’m beyond glad I have Rylee and the guys, because without them, I’d be alone. I’d have nothing.

They gave me a family when the one I had didn’t want me.

I don’t think I can handle getting hurt by her again. And if she does, I know in my heart, I’d cut her off for good. Even if it pained me to do so.

It’s not healthy to keep people who constantly hurt you in your life.

“Now or never,” I mutter. “Ah, hi,” I say when I reach the front desk.

“Hi.” The woman there gives me a friendly smile. “How can I help you?”

“I’m here to see my mom,” I answer, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly. I already don’t like it here. Nothing against the place, I’m just not really sure how to act in these kinds of situations.

“Name?”

“Callie John.”

She types on her computer before her smile grows. “You must be Colton,” she says. “We’ve heard so much about you.”

My stomach twists with guilt. Right now, I feel like the worst son.

Don’t think like that, Colton. After everything you’ve done for her, you have the right to need some time to process. You have your own life to live for once, and enough bullshit to deal with already. You are not a bad person. You are not a bad son.

Yeah, even as I tell myself that, I don’t believe it.

“Follow me.” She gets up and rounds the counter before heading off towards the big bay windows. “She loves to sit out in the garden and have her afternoon tea with some of the other residents.”

The closer we get, the more my stomach is in knots. Is it hot in here? I feel as though I’m sweating like crazy right now.

“Hey, Callie. There’s someone here to see you.”

My mom’s eyes flick over in our direction, and the moment they lock on mine, I have the urge to cry.

She looks… nothing like I remember. Her face is fuller, the dark circles are gone, and there’s this new light in her eyes. She looks healthy, like she did back when Caitlyn was alive.

“Colton.” Her voice breaks as her eyes fill with tears.

“Hey, Mom.” My voice cracks.

She’s up from her chair and over to me in seconds, wrapping her arms around me tightly, and it takes everything in me not to lose it.

“I’ve missed you so much, my sweet, sweet boy.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I bury my face in her hair. It smells the same as it always has, and I’m taken back to when I was just a boy and mom would cuddle with me in bed, reading me and Caitlyn a bedtime story.

“I missed you too.” My throat is thick with emotion.

“Come, come sit,” she says, sniffing as she wipes at her eyes, a smile still on her lips, as she takes my hand and pulls me toward the bench she was sitting on. “So, tell me,” she exclaims, sounding eager. “How’s life? School? Your friends? Rylee?”

I feel like an asshole to even think this, but I’m surprised she remembers my girlfriend's name.

“It has its challenges,” I say, running a hand over my hair. “School’s good. Cheer’s great. We have a new member, and I think we really have a shot at winning Nationals this year.”

“That's wonderful!” she exclaims, sounding generally excited. She’s never been interested in it before, so it’s kind of nice to see. “Tell me all about it.”

For the next hour, we just sit and talk. She tells me about everything she’s done here, all the things she learned, and I tell her as much as I’m willing to when it comes to my life. There’s a lot she doesn’t need to know, or wouldn’t understand.

It’s not until visiting hours are coming to an end that things take a serious turn.

“I should get going,” I tell her, looking at the time on my phone.

“Not yet.” She takes my hands in hers, giving them a squeeze. “I need to say something first, okay?”

Here we go.

“Okay…”

“I’m so, so sorry, Colton.” Her eyes mist over. “For everything. After your sister passed away, I checked out. I couldn’t handle the pain of losing my baby girl.” Her voice breaks and my heart aches.

“But it was wrong of me because I still had you. Just because I lost her, that shouldn’t have meant I stopped being a mom.

You needed me, and I wasn’t there for you.

I know there’s nothing I can say that can ever fix what I did, or get back the time that we lost, but I am truly and deeply so, so sorry. ”

Tears spill down her cheeks, and it’s not until I lick my lips and taste salt that I realize I’m crying too.

The urge to say ‘it’s okay’, or ‘it’s not your fault’, is on the tip of my tongue, but I bite it and say nothing, because it’s not okay. And while it’s not all her fault, she chose to stop being a mother, as if she had no children left.

“I want you to know that I’m in this for the long haul this time.

I’m determined to get better. To get healthy and get my life back.

I’d never ask you to be there when I get out, but I want you to know that I’d love it if you were.

I’d love to start over, to build something.

Anything. I’ll take anything, Colton. Even if it’s an occasional phone call. ”

“Stop,” I say, my voice breaking as I raise my hand.

She stops talking, biting her bottom lip as it wobbles, expecting the worst from me.

“I’m not going to give you the occasional phone call, Mom.”

She blinks a few times, and nods. “Okay.” Her voice is low and sad. “I understand.”

“No, you don’t.” It’s my turn to take her hands in mine. “I love you, Mom. Even when you were at your lowest, I loved you. All I wanted was for you to get better, to have the mom I knew and loved back.

“I’ve been holding out hope for years. And I’ll be honest, I lost it for a while. So, seeing you here, getting better, getting healthy, it makes me so happy. It’s hard not to get my hopes up, and I really hope it sticks this time.

“So, I’m giving you one last chance. Keep working on yourself, get better, and keep trying. And I’ll be here waiting in that parking lot the day you get out. From there, it’s up to you to keep that connection going.”

“Really?” Her eyes light up, like I just offered her the world. “I promise, Colton. I won’t make you regret giving me this chance.”

“Actions, Mom. Words mean nothing to me anymore.”

She nods firmly. “Actions.”

“I should get going.”

“Okay,” she says, looking disappointed.

“Ahh, I’ll call you this weekend?”

Her smile is back. “I’d love that.”

We both stand and she looks at me hesitantly. So I pull her into my arms and hug her, like I know she needs.

She clings to me like she’s never going to see me again. I don’t blame her, with me ignoring her for so long. But I hope she understands why.

There’s still so much I want to say to her, to get off my chest, but now is not the time. One step at a time is what this is going to take.

As I walk back towards my car, the heavy weight that's been sitting on my chest lifts, and for the first time in a while, I feel like I can breathe again.

Maybe having this kind of hope and outlook for the future isn’t the best idea, but I’m giving my mom the benefit of the doubt.

Life is too short, and I’ve already lost so much.

I just hope I don’t end up regretting it.