Page 36 of Hold ‘Em Tight (Solidarity Academy #4)

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

H ave you ever smiled brightly and cheered loudly, like you were having the best time of your life, when really you were dying on the inside?

That's exactly how I feel when the football team jogs onto the field. My eyes immediately seek out Trevor. When they land on him, my stomach dips, and I feel like I’m going to puke all over the nice green turf.

It’s been a few weeks since everything went down at Missi and Lennox’s wedding. Between Trevor taking a break from our relationship, and all the attention surrounding Missi and Lennox’s father’s big blow up, I’ve been a mess.

The excitement of having Lennox back in our lives has been short lived, because even though he’s returned to us, he’s not actually back.

He’s quiet and closed off. Things between him and Mateo are tense, and I’m no help when it comes to trying to be there for him, because my head’s a fucking mess.

The depression I felt before has returned tenfold, and all I’m focused on is waking up and surviving every day.

I know the guys are worried about me. I’ve been moody as hell, closed off and distant.

All I can think about is what Trevor said. I’m a horrible person, the worst. I don’t deserve these guys.

I’ve been lying to them for months. How do I tell them though? Any time I think about it, I can’t breathe.

When the truth comes out, Trevor is going to be destroyed because he’s going to find out that he put all that hard work in trying to take care of me, when there hasn’t been a baby growing inside of me for a while.

We continue to cheer on the players until they make it over to the bench, before taking our seats to watch the game.

I’m a wreck the whole time, unable to take my eyes off of Trevor. I miss him so fucking much. We’ve been texting, but it’s been very short, with a lot of one-worded answers.

I feel like I’ve traded in one boyfriend for another. Actually, in reality, it feels like I’ve lost them both.

Everything is a mess, and I don’t know how to fix it without hurting so many people I love.

I should have just told them the moment I took the test, and let them help me through the journey. When will I learn that protecting people only seems to hurt them in the long run?

When half-time comes around, I feel sick, like I’m going to pass out. My head is spinning, and I feel like I’m getting the chills. Now is not the time for the fucking flu to kick in.

We only have two more cheers to do for this game and then we’re done. I can do that.

Getting into formation, we do our dance. Everything seems to be going fine, until the guys lift me into the air; Mateo is holding me up by my ass, while Colton and Donny hold my feet.

Lifting my hands over my head, I’m shouting and cheering for the team when I’m hit with a wave of dizziness, feeling my head spin.

My vision goes blurry for a moment as I sway.

“Rylee, are you okay?” Mateo calls up to me.

Everything feels sluggish, like I’m trying to move underwater. I’m not okay. Not at all. Fuck, this isn’t gonna be good.

“N-no,” is all I manage to get out before my body gives out on me and I pass out.

When I come to, I’m not in the air anymore. I'm laying down on the cold, hard ground. “Rylee, fuck.” Donny’s in my face, cupping my cheeks. “Cherry, you scared the shit out of me.”

“She’s awake,” Donny calls over his shoulder.

“Rylee, baby.” Mateo comes into view. “What’s wrong? Where does it hurt.”

“I’m fine.” My voice is groggy, and my head is still spinning as I try to sit up. I let out a gasp as a sharp pain hits my side. “Fuck,” I groan, laying back down on the ground.

“You are not okay,” Colton insists. “We’re calling an ambulance. Now.”

“No,” I moan, trying again to sit up. “I’m fine. Really. Just dizzy. I didn’t eat anything today.”

“Fucking hell,” Mateo groans. “Rylee, what are you doing to yourself?” He grips my chin, looking down at me angrily. “You need help. And if you won’t let us help you, we will get it for you. I don’t want to force your hand, but we love you too much to keep watching you spiral.”

“I’m sorry.” My lower lip quivers as my chest tightens, tears stinging the back of my eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Rylee.” Trevor's voice has the tears breaking through. “Fuck. Baby, are you okay?” He kneels down on the ground next to me.

“Like you care,” Mateo growls. “Where the fuck have you been these past few weeks, huh?”

Trevor frowns up at Mateo. “You don’t understand.”

“Then why don’t you make me?” Mateo insists. “Come on, jock boy. Why did you up and leave our girl? No calls, no coming to visit. Nothing.”

“Stop.” A sob slips free. “Please. Stop.”

They ignore me as they continue to argue.

My head is pounding. Plus, there's a throbbing in my ears that has my vision becoming fuzzy again.

My eyes flutter closed and I give in to the heaviness that's trying to take over.

I just want all of this to stop. For my head to be quiet. Even just for a little while.

Harsh whispers fill my ears as I blink my eyes open. Where am I?

I look around to see that I'm in a hospital bed. Fuck. Have things really gotten that bad?

My eyes wander around the room to find all the guys arguing on the other side of the bed. My heart races, and the machine next to me starts to beep.

Several sets of eyes swing my way. “Rylee,” Lennox breathes out in relief.

They all rush over to me when the doctor comes in. “Rylee Moore. It’s good to see you awake.”

“Ah, thanks.” I clear my throat.

“What’s wrong with her?” Donny asks.

“Why did she faint?” Mateo says.

“Is she going to be okay?” Colton demands to know.

“Woah, boys, calm down. Rylee is going to be just fine. We ran a bunch of tests and they all came back fine. She’s just a bit dehydrated. Rylee, when was the last time you ate?”

“Umm.” I lick my lips, looking from the guys’ worried expressions to the doctor. “Yesterday… I think.”

“You think?” Trevor demands. “Rylee!”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry, okay! I can’t force myself to eat when I feel sick.”

The doctor frowns. “Do you feel nauseous?”

“I just don’t have an appetite,” I admit, looking down at my hands, playing with the IV that sticking out.

“It’s depression and stress,” Colton says. “Our lives have been an emotional rollercoaster this past year, the last few months especially.”

“We should have gotten her help sooner.” Donny’s face falls in shame. I feel like a fucking monster for them even thinking for a moment that they are responsible for any of this.

“Is this true?” the doctor asks.

“Yes.” I chew on my lower lip. “I’m not okay.”

Fuck, that kills me to admit. I’ve always tried to be the strong one, and I have been for so damn long. But nothing lasts forever, and I’m only human. I just hate that, in a way, after almost two years, Missi has won. She’s a big reason I feel the way I do.

The doctor’s face falls into a sympathetic expression.

“I’m proud of you for admitting that. I think it would be a really good idea for you to see a therapist. Unfortunately, we can’t look into any medications to help just yet.

But once the baby is born, we can see about getting you on an antidepressant. Are you going to be breastfeeding?”

I blink up at him, my lips parted. I’m so confused. What is this man talking about?

“That's okay.” He waves off his question.

“You still have a few months to decide. If you do choose not to breastfeed, you would be able to start the medication sooner, if that's how you choose to go about it. But with any luck, maybe some therapy might just do the trick. Although, I will be firm on you quitting cheerleading, at least until after the baby is born. I’m surprised you were able to go this long. Some athletes are able to continue through pregnancy, but seeing how your sport involves you being tossed into the air, that is a big safety risk.”

Am I still sleeping? Or is this some sort of big fucked up joke?

“Hold the fuck up,” Mateo demands. “What the hell are you talking about? Baby? Pregnancy? Rylee isn’t pregnant."

The doctor's brows furrow. “Yes. She is.” He looks down at his chart. “From what the ultrasound shows, she’s close to seven months.”

“What?” I choke out. “No.” I shake my head. “That’s not funny.”

“I–I’m not sure what to say,” the doctor replies. “I’m not joking. Rylee, did you not know you're pregnant?"

“I’m not pregnant!" I insist. “I’m not. Okay. I’m not.”

“Rylee.” Trevor steps up to my bed. “Rylee, baby, you need to stop.” Tears fill his eyes. “This isn’t healthy. Being this far in denial isn’t healthy."

“What do you mean?” Donny demands. “Denial? Rylee, did you know you are pregnant?"

“Yes,” Trevor says, the same time I shout, “No.”

“Rylee. Please.”

“I’m not pregant!” I sob. “I haven’t been since the summer.”

“What?” Trevor’s brows furrow. “No. No... Rylee.”

“I’m sorry.” The tears start to fall. “I lost the baby while we were in Florida. I didn’t have the heart to tell you. You were so excited. I didn’t know how to process the pain. I went into denial almost immediately, to try to bury the pain.”

“You’ve lied to me for months!” Trevor's face morphs into devastation. “You had me worried that you weren't taking care of yourself, when you weren't even pregnant this whole time.”

“Actually, she was,” the doctor cuts in. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” He looks at me. “I’m not sure what led you to believe you had a miscarriage, but you didn’t. You are indeed pregnant, Rylee. Very pregnant."

“She’s not,” Donny says, lifting up my gown.

“Donny!” I hiss, trying to shove it back down.

“See. No belly. If she was seven months pregnant, like you are insisting, she would have a belly. I might not be the smartest person, but even I know that.”

“It could be due to many reasons. By the looks of the ultrasound, the baby seems to be more towards the back. And you have not been taking care of your body the way you should when you're pregnant. All these can contribute to a cryptic pregnancy."

“What’s that?” Colton asks.