Page 27 of Hold ‘Em Tight (Solidarity Academy #4)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

“ H ey. You okay?” Donny nudges my shoulder with his.

I snap out of my daydream, blinking a few times to clear the fog. “Huh?”

“You haven’t touched your pizza,” he says, his brows furrowing together as he frowns at me.

“I’m not hungry.” I sigh, pushing my plate toward him. “You can have it.”

“Okay.” He shrugs, no protesting from him.

“Donny!” Mateo growls, snatching the pizza back from him. “What the fuck?”

“She said I could eat it!” Donny protests.

Mateo glares at him before turning a softer look to me. “You have to eat something, baby. You turned down Colton’s bacon and eggs this morning. And you love bacon.”

It’s true. I do. I just haven’t had much of an appetite lately. My mind has been so cluttered with all the swirling thoughts of everything going wrong in my life, that it’s affecting both my mental and physical health.

“You need the energy,” Colton says. “Can’t have you lightheaded or passing out at cheer practice.”

He’s right. I should be eating. Yesterday, at practice, I almost fell on my ass, but thankfully, I caught myself. I thought no one noticed, but of course Trevor did, and I got an earful about needing to quit the team.

That's not happening. I need this team. Cheering is my life. It’s the only thing left that's keeping me from losing my mind. Without cheer, I’d have way too much time to think, and I can’t even imagine the damage that would cause.

“It’s the stress, isn’t it?” Mateo asks, and my eyes snap over to him.

“What?”

“About the wedding .” He spits the word like it’s poison on his tongue.

The wedding . Lennox and Missi’s wedding.

My stomach turns, my nausea intensifying at the memory of Thanksgiving.

I slept with Lennox. A man who’s engaged. Who’s getting married next week.

How stupid am I? And without a condom! Knowing Missi, and the way she got around before stealing Lennox from us, she’s probably collecting diseases like Pokemon.

The smart thing would have been to go to the clinic and get tested, but I’d like to believe that Lennox would still have some decency not to risk my health like that. Plus, he said he hasn’t slept with her, but who knows if that was the truth, or just another lie to get me to sleep with him.

“It’s not good, Rylee,” Colton says. “You're really starting to worry us. What's going on? Is it really just the wedding, or is there something more?”

My eyes catch on Trevor, who’s standing behind Mateo. He heard what Colton just asked, and by the look in his eyes, I know he wants me to use this opening to tell them about the baby.

I can’t. I just can’t. And I know it’s wrong of me to keep avoiding this, but it wouldn’t be just me telling them about the baby. I'd have to tell them that I lost it.

So, in a moment of panic, I let my mouth do the talking, hoping that if I let something off my chest, from the ever growing pile of lies I seem to be collecting, I’ll be able to breathe just a little bit better.

“I slept with Lennox,” I blurt, and all four sets of eyes stare at me, growing wide.

My heart beats painfully in my chest as I wait for someone to say something. The guilt has been eating at me a lot more than the whole baby thing has.

Maybe it’s because I’m not as in denial about still being in love with Lennox as I am about everything else.

“Ahh, we know that. You’ve slept with him more times than I have fingers,” Donny says, breaking the silence.

“No.” I shake my head, sweat breaking out down my back as my body grows tingly with unease over how they’re going to react. “Recently.”

“What?” Mateo growls, and real fear spikes through me. “When?”

“Thanksgiving.” I lick my lips, my breathing increasing. “He… ah, he showed up while I was cleaning,” I start, rubbing my sweaty palms up and down my thighs. “He was drunk. Looked real rough too.”

“Of course, he was.” Mateo shakes his head. “Did he force you?”

“What?” My eyes widen. “No. No, nothing like that.”

“So, how the hell did you end up sleeping with him?” Mateo demands, while everyone else keeps quiet, not seeming to know what to think about this.

My eyes fill with tears as I swallow hard. “I’m sorry, okay? I had a moment of weakness. I still love him, okay? And I know you do too,” I say to Mateo. “Losing him has been some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.”

And I’ve felt more pain than they will ever truly know. The tears break free, sliding down my cheeks.

“He looked miserable, like someone who’s given up on life.

I felt bad. It hurt to see him like that.

And when he told me he still loved me, how much he missed me, and how it killed him to be away from us, yeah, I broke, okay?

I let him kiss me, and I let him take things further.

The moment it was done, I realized what had happened, and I felt like shit because I cheated on you. ”

“No, you didn’t.” Donny is the one to answer.

“What?” I blink the tears away, wiping at my eyes.

“You didn’t cheat. Lennox is stupid as fuck, we all know that. What he did was one of the most fucked up things. But when it comes to Lennox, being with him in that way isn’t cheating.”

Donny shrugs. “Maybe my logic is messed up, but to me, Lennox will always be one of us. And maybe I’m hoping that he pulls his head out of his ass, leaves that evil bitch, and comes back to us.

Because I might not be the brightest crayon in the box, but even I can see that the man hates that bitch.

I can’t be the only one who knows he’s only with her because of the baby. ”

“She slept with someone who she’s not in a relationship with,” Mateo growls, betrayal in his eyes.

“He’s not just anyone.” Colton speaks next, surprising me even more. “I kind of agree with Donny. Do I like it? No. Am I going to see it as cheating? Also no. Because we all know that if Lennox groveled his ass off and proved to us that he was sorry, we would forgive him.”

“He cheated on us!” Mateo shouts, jumping to his feet.

Fear that he’s going to hate me takes over, and I have to hold back the fresh wave of tears that want to break free. I know if I let them loose, I won’t be able to pull them back in easily.

“I know, okay!” My voice raises. “He hurt us so fucking much. And I hate myself for being weak in that moment and giving in. I was so fucking wrong. Because I don't forgive him for what he did to us. What he did to this family. But everything hurts so fucking bad.”

My voice cracks as I rub at my chest. “He was there, in my face, telling me things I’ve wanted to hear.

I let someone who I’m still crazy about break me enough to have that weak moment.

It shouldn’t have happened. It won’t happen again.

I panicked because he’s going to marry that bitch, the same bitch who made it her life’s fucking mission to destroy me.

Maybe part of me wanted to take that back, to hit her where it hurts. ”

I laugh, standing as I shake my head. “And in the end, she won again, since here we are, fighting, because I’m the whore that she’s always saying I am.”

“Stop it.” Trevor steps around the table, and I’m glad that the dining hall is empty right now, or this would be a lot worse. All I need is someone overhearing and running to that bitch like a little rat.

“You're not a whore, okay. This whole thing is fucked up. We can all see that Lennox hates Missi. I’m glad it’s not just me.

He’s with her because he feels like he has to be.

Like it’s his obligation because she’s having his baby.

And yes, that’s fucked up all on it’s own because he cheated on the both of you,” he says, looking between me and Mateo.

“But anyone with eyes can see that he regrets it. That he still loves the two of you. I see how he looks at you both when he thinks no one is watching. That man is dying without you.”

“What if he didn’t cheat?” Colton says.

We all stop and stare at him. “I’m sorry, did he just trip and his dick fell inside that witches’ moldy cunt?” Mateo growls.

“He was drunk as fuck that night,” Donny adds in.

“That doesn’t excuse his actions," Trevor says.

“No.” Donny deflates. “You're right.”

“I’m not saying he didn’t have sex with Missi.” Colton frowns. “I’m saying, what if Missi blackmailed him into it?”

“What the fuck would she have over him to blackmail him into it?” Mateo demands.

“I don’t know.” Colton throws his hands in the air.

“It's Missi. That bitch is worse than a hound dog when it comes to sniffing out things that she could use against people. Could be any number of things. You know his family is shady. So is yours.” He looks at Mateo. “You’ve got some skeletons in your closet too.” He glances at Donny.

“And when it comes to you.” Colton looks at me.

“He’ll do just about anything to protect you. ” He looks at Mateo again. “And you.”

“What are you saying?” I whisper, my mind going back to that night with him. He was trying to tell me something. What if this was it? Why he was with Missi in the first place?

“I think we’ve all been so blinded by the betrayal of someone we saw as our brother.

" He looks at Donny. “And our lover.” His attention goes back to me and Mateo. “That we didn’t stop and think about why he did it. Not to mention, we’ve been so caught up in our own personal bullshit, we just looked for the easiest thing to take our anger out on. ”

“Stop.” Mateo shakes his head. “Stop it. You're just making excuses for him. Don’t.”

“I think, what we should be doing is getting that fucker alone and demand he spill everything. Colton is right. We just cut him off, didn’t give him the chance to explain himself,” Donny says.

“He didn’t deserve one!” Mateo roars, swiping everything off the table. “He slept with our fucking enemy. He didn’t deserve a chance to talk his way out of it.”

My heart breaks as Mateo storms out of the room.

“I’ll go,” I tell Donny as he goes to follow. Getting up from the table, I rush after Mateo.

“Mateo, wait!” I call after him. He doesn’t stop, but he does slow on hearing my voice. “Please.” I’m out of breath when I reach him.

“Please, what?” he demands, swinging his attention to me. “Please, hear them out? I don’t want to, Rylee. Because if I do, then I’ll start thinking. And if I do that, then I’m going to spiral. Blackmailed or not, he should have come to us.”

He pounds his chest with his fist. “He should have trusted us. We could have helped him, worked something out. Even if he was blackmailed, it doesn’t change the fact that he slept with Missi. He knocked her up! Are you going to try and tell me she blackmailed him into that too?”

“Maybe she did. This is Missi we’re talking about.

She’s evil. The devil reincarnated. I wouldn’t put it past her.

You’ve seen the fucked up shit she’s done to get what she wants.

And what she’s wanted for a long time is Lennox.

She’s made that very well known. It wouldn’t be hard to believe that she would stoop that low to get him. ”

“If he was blackmailed into sleeping with her, Rylee, that would mean she pretty much raped him.” His voice breaks when he says this, and his words are like a punch to the gut. Fuck. Fuck, he’s right. “Coercion to have sex is sexual assault, Rylee. If thats true, then fuck.”

My eyes sting with tears as my gut churns, my knees threatening to give out on me.

“We can’t go there.” I shake my head. “We can’t think like that before we know what the true story is.

I say we talk to Lennox, we hear him out.

If it’s all bullshit and lies, then we can put it behind us and let him move on.

So we can too. We’re still holding on to the unknown.

And none of us are going to be able to move forward until we know everything. ”

“I don’t know if I can handle knowing everything. I’ve already lost so much of myself over this, I don’t think I can lose anymore.” It’s always hard to watch Mateo break. It’s rare, but something I’ll never get used to.

“I know.” I step forward, wrapping my arms around his waist. “I know. And I feel the same way. But we have to.”

“Fuck,” he whispers harshly. “Rylee.”

“I’m here. I have you,” I murmur into his chest.

“I’m so fucking glad.” He kisses the top of my head. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I pray we never have to find out.

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. How much longer I can lie to the men I love. This is all fucked up. We’re all so broken. None of this is healthy, yet none of us do anything about it.

We keep living in our own pain rather than facing reality.

Still, I say nothing as I let Mateo hold me, being a greedy person as I use him for the strength I desperately need.

Maybe they never have to know. Maybe everything will work out in the end. We can get Lennox back, and our lives can go back to normal.

Who am I kidding?

I’m a good liar. And the person I seem to be best at lying to is myself.