Page 66

Sam

Apparently, life did get even better.

Sam stood at Ash’s side in the Thornfield Hall library, a soft amused smile curling his lips as he watched the Jennings family coo over their new addition.

And when Sam said Jennings family, he meant everyone.

Mr. Campbell and Weston were right there in the mix, along with Ash’s daughter Pandora, as they all fussed over the bundle currently being swayed lightly in Lady Bentley’s arms.

Felix’s sister-in-law, Georgiana, had her babe a little over a month ago.

A son. At first, Sam had still seen shadows trailing Felix, as though he felt guilty he’d found an escape from fulfilling his father’s wishes.

But when Sam had pointed out Felix would need to be just as involved with little Oliver’s upbringing and preparation to inherit as he would be with a son of his own…

the shift in Felix had been remarkable. His steps were lighter, smiles easier, finally unburdened by the weight of having to produce an heir himself.

But still honoring his father’s legacy—just in a way he was able.

Felix and Sam’s time together had been just as remarkable.

The niggling insecurities Sam had been having were completely gone.

They were still searching for a private tutor position for him, but now that Sam knew one was on the horizon, none of the worry remained.

He was really looking forward to tutoring, too.

It was that element of purpose he’d been looking for.

Lady Bentley carefully passed the babe to Felix. Felix gingerly settled the little one in his arms, smiling softly down at the bundle. He dusted one finger fondly over the babe’s button nose.

Shite .

A raw, aching surge of longing struck Sam straight in the chest. Felix’s face glowed, his smile threatening to swallow his face whole.

Sam’s lungs seized, air all of a sudden very hard to come by.

The man embodied pure joy. His honey-amber eyes were the softest Sam had ever seen.

Love. Love for his nephew. Sam swallowed thickly. The man was meant to be a father.

Sam couldn’t hear what Felix was whispering to the babe, but whatever it was had his sister laughing and clapping her hands. He shared a quick look with his sister and began bouncing with the babe, and he and Felicity started up a lively ditty.

A soft coo came from the babe, and one would have thought someone was just given a knighthood by how the room erupted. Fitzwilliam rushed forward—tripped on the rug but was thankfully caught by Mr. Campbell—and then hurried to his brother’s side.

“He’s never done that before!”

The baby cooed again, and the room went up in cheers. Sam glanced at his best mate, whose lips were twitching.

“This family is something else, aren’t they?” Sam murmured.

“Something spectacular,” Ash agreed. He caught Sam’s eye. “Pretty unbelievable we ended up here, isn’t it? Me with my son’s betrothed. You with a man you couldn’t stand.”

Sam snorted softly. Fate had a mind of its own, that was certain.

“It’s funny,” Sam said softly. “All those things I couldn’t stand about him, the things I thought were detriments…” He shook his head. He wasn’t explaining this well.

“We all have our things, don’t we? Our flaws.

Felix’s is control. He blindly holds onto control like if he lets go, he’ll drown.

It’s his lifeline, the only way he feels safe and secure.

He uses it as a crutch. Like I do with my flippancy.

A shield that allows me to avoid anything too serious, anything too deep.

It’s safe, yes? That’s what we all do—people as a whole—try to make ourselves feel safe.

Which, depending on the experiences you’ve had, manifest in different ways. ”

“Mmm, so you love him despite his flaws. Because you see past them.”

“Yes, and no.” He turned to Ash. “Let me ask you a question. Do you love Felicity despite her wild, reckless, and brazen behavior?”

Ash’s lips immediately curled, affection glowing in his blue eyes. “Christ, no. I love her because of those things.”

“Exactly.” His gaze drifted back to Felix.

“His flaws, just as mine and yours, are a part of us. I love him because of those flaws. Does his need for control cause problems? Most definitely, especially when he makes the wrong decisions. But every single one of those decisions comes from a place of fierce devotion and intense protectiveness. Love . He’s an insufferable boor because he loves so deeply. How can I not love that about him?”

Felicity sidled up to them, and Ash tucked her to his side.

“Enjoying your family’s new addition?” he asked his wife.

“Enjoying all the new additions.” She caught Sam’s eye. “I’ve essentially gained two new brothers.”

Sam’s heart swelled. He liked the sound of that. Which also meant… He backhanded Ash across the chest. “That makes us good as brothers. In a way. Since we’re partners of siblings.”

Ash rolled his eyes. “Sam, we have always been as good as brothers.”

“I don’t know… With all that grey hair of yours, you always seemed more like a father to me.”

Ash cursed. “I swear to all that is holy. I am two years older.”

“Two-and-a-half,” Sam corrected.

Ash ducked down to Felicity’s ear. “Can I throttle him? Will that ruin your family’s Christmas gathering? Blood is red.”

“I’m not sure that sort of exertion will be good for your aging heart, dear,” Felicity said while patronizingly patting Ash’s chest.

Ash sputtered, and Sam broke out into a fit of mirth. Fantastic. The Jennings family were all fantastic.

Sam’s gaze went back to the crowd in the middle of the library. His brows instantly shot together. He scanned the room, but there was no Felix. “Where’d your brother go?”

“Hmm?” Felicity leaned forward, searching the room. “My guess would be the terrace off his study. If I know my brother at all. And I know him better than almost anyone.” She caught Sam’s eye. “Even you. For now.”

Sam was definitely vying for that position.

He excused himself and set off for Felix’s study.

Sure enough, the French-door to the terrace was just falling shut as Sam entered the room.

He reached for the door handle but paused.

He quickly grabbed one of the blankets stored in a basket next to the chairs by the hearth.

He had a feeling Felix had snuck outside without even grabbing his coat.

He slipped outside and, yes, there he was, coatless, hands on the stone balustrade, bent over slightly like he was trying to compose himself.

Sam approached, his house shoes echoing in the quiet winter night. “What’s wrong, Fee?” His breath clouded the stark, cold air, hovering in front of him before slowly dissipating.

Felix lifted his head, eyes glassy in the moonlight. He let out a long exhale, a stream of white air whooshing from him.

Sam stepped up behind Felix. “Here. You’ll catch your death out here.” He made quick work of draping the blanket around his back, then pressed up against Felix, wrapping his arms and the blanket around them both. Felix instantly melted back against him.

Sam pressed a soft kiss to Fee’s neck. “Now, tell me. What’s on your mind?”

Felix released an unsteady breath, his firm chest shuddering lightly against Sam’s hold. “Being in there, watching Fitzy and Gigi and their little Oliver.” He paused, his body tensing. “I’m so happy for them, Sam,” he choked out. “But God damn it, it hurts. I want that. I want that so bad.”

He sucked in a jagged breath, then another, his chest surging with quick, shallow breaths.

Sam’s heart cracked at the pain in Felix’s voice. “Shhh. Easy, Fee.” He buried his head in Felix’s neck, tightened his arms and did his best to surround his man. In support. In love.

“It is something I struggle with every day,” Felix managed tightly, his hands clenched on Sam’s forearms, like he was holding on for dear life. “Of what I will never have, because fate cursed me to be born this way.”

Sam’s chest hollowed out at the words, at the heartbreak of it all. “No, Fee,” he said, his voice rough—raw with shared anguish, burning with fury at the world they lived in, shaking with resolve to prove to this man he wasn’t cursed. So far from cursed.

“You’re not cursed. Who you love is not a detriment.

Do we live in a world where it is accepted?

Where we can openly be with the person we love?

No. The punishment for our love being discovered is nothing short of barbaric.

But that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or with me.

It means there is something wrong with our world.

The world needs to change, Fee. Not you. Not me. Not us.”

Sam pressed a hard kiss to Felix’s hair, blinking back the sting behind his eyes. He swallowed hard, trying and failing to rid himself of the shards of glass taking root in his throat.

“I wish I could give you what you dream of: a family, children of your own flesh and blood. If I had the power, I’d give you anything,” he said hoarsely. “Everything.”

Felix turned to face Sam and leaned back against Sam’s arms. Soft moonlight glinted off his pale cheekbones. His gaze was colorless in the night, just dark pools of desperation.

Slowly, Fee tilted his chin up and brushed a soft kiss to Sam’s lips, then rested his forehead against Sam’s.

“I want to be able to love you and not worry over the consequences,” he whispered.

“Is that really so much to ask…to be able to love you out loud, and not be damned for it? To have a family with the man I love?”

It wasn’t too much to ask. Not even close.

“I wish I could change the world for you,” Sam said softly.

Felix deflated with a despondent sigh.

A sigh Sam felt all the way through him, filled every corner and crevice.

Because it wasn’t fair. Love was this big, beautiful gift, and he wouldn’t ever understand why people put limits on it; thought they had the right to deny it.

All he felt for people like that was pity.

Because in clinging to their prejudices and twisted sense of righteousness, they were only denying themselves the chance to know a love like Felix’s.

They were the ones truly losing out. But Felix and Sam? They had a love worth dying for.

Sam gently rubbed Fee’s back. “Even so, there are some really lovely blessings in this life. That new babe back there is going to have the world’s best uncles in us. Obviously, I will be his favorite. But I’m sure he’ll like you just fine, too. I suppose you’re not so bad.”

Felix let out a muffled, watery chuckle against Sam’s chest.

“Thank you, Sam.”

“Of course.” Sam pulled the blanket tighter around them. “Whatever you need, love.”

“I think I need a little more of this. Can I just be sad for a little bit longer…while you hold me?”

“You can be however you feel with me, Fee.” He brushed a kiss against Felix’s amber curls. “Always.”

Felix nestled closer to Sam. “I’m so bloody grateful. For you, to have you in my life. You haven’t been in my life that long, but bloody hell, Sam, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Sam’s throat tightened while his chest ached with the maelstrom of emotion building there.

“I love you,” Felix murmured.

Hell, Sam really loved this man, too.

He really fucking loved him.