Page 45

Sam

Devonford Castle.

Four months later…

Why was it always grey and rainy in England? Sam glared out the window of Ash’s bedchamber. It was grey and gritty and gloomy enough inside Sam’s head. The least the September weather could do was cooperate and provide some distracting sunshine.

“Surly Sam, I need your assistance.”

Sam growled. Ash had taken to calling him Surly Sam because, yes, Sam had turned into a bloody grump.

It had taken everyone aback at first—the normally cocksure, quick with a jest, cove was now short-tempered and short-spoken.

He’d even moped around on his birthday in July.

The staff at Devonford Castle didn’t know what to do with a quiet Sam.

Usually, they couldn’t get him to shut his gob.

Sam did like Cook’s tactic. She had determined if words weren’t flowing out of Sam’s mouth, there were more opportunities for tarts to go in Sam’s mouth. Sam had been eating a lot of tarts lately.

He rolled his shoulders and turned to face Ash, who was striding out of his dressing chamber. “What is it you need?”

“Felicity and I are going to travel to Brackenridge Hollow to see Colborn.”

Sam’s eyebrows rose. “Well, that certainly will be an interesting reunion. Hullo, son! I’m here with your ex-betrothed. I mean your new mama.”

Ash’s expression went flat. “I’m glad you are still capable of some jests. Even if they’re at my expense.”

The corner of Sam’s mouth tugged up. “Apologies. I know I haven’t been pleasant to be around lately. I promise I’ll be back to my usual insufferable self soon enough.”

“Mmm,” Ash said.

Like the bastard didn’t believe Sam. Sam was going to get over a certain arrogant, pretentious, intolerable arse-hat.

Who wasn’t actually any of those things.

Not really. It was a mask the man wore. Sam recognized it so clearly now.

Months of dwelling on every minute interaction that has passed between them had that effect.

It had been a shocking revelation, a fist to the gut, the day Sam realized that he and Felix were one in the same.

They both donned masks for the world to hide the tumult they carried inside.

Which had done nothing to help Sam move past whatever hold the man had on him.

But he was going to move on. At some point.

He kept waiting, and it kept not happening. But it would eventually.

Once that happened, everything would be right in the world again. Sam would be back to his flippant, carefree self, content to spend the rest of his days valeting for his best friend. That was all he needed. Then he’d be happy. And safe.

“How long are we planning to stay at Brackenridge for?” Sam asked. “I’ll ensure your trunks are packed and coordinate with Her Grace’s lady’s maid.”

“I’d like to plan for at least a month.” Ash’s dark-brown brows drew together, and he gnawed on his lip while he fastened his breeches.

“Colborn has apparently…been doing quite well there. All the reports I’ve received from my stable master and steward have been nothing but praise.

” Ash glanced up, and there was so much hope in his friend’s blue eyes.

“Not only has Colborn been managing the estate, but he’s been actively involved with the horses. ”

Sam’s heart went soft. He knew what that meant to Ash, how important horses were to his best mate. Sam crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “Do you think your staff would really say anything negative to you about your son? Obviously, I would. But I’m different.”

“Yes, yes, because you’re my best mate—”

“Not everyone is blessed with big ballocks like me,” Sam said over Ash.

Ash dropped his head in his hands, his frame shaking with his muffled laughs. He blew out a breath and composed himself. “Normally, I’d agree with you—about the staff being unwilling to say anything bad about Colborn, not about you having titanic tallywags—”

“ Oooh , brilliant alliteration, Ash. I’ll have to add that one to my repertoire.”

Ash ignored him and continued. “But I know Wilde would never mince words. And the first letter I received was not complimentary.”

Sam chuckled. “I can only imagine what Wilde’s first impression of Colborn was. Your stable master possesses extreme skill, but patience and benevolence are not among them. Unless it’s toward a horse, of course.”

“I think that’s what I find the most surprising.

Well, besides the fact that Colborn hasn’t tried to run back to London.

” Ash settled into an armchair and gestured for Sam to follow suit in the one opposite him.

“You know how implicitly I trust Wilde’s opinion.

So, if she is impressed by Colborn? I have to believe this time spent at Brackenridge has been good for him.

I’m excited to spend some time with him there.

And a mite nervous about what my reception will be. ”

Sam fell back into the chair across from Ash. “You two have corresponded as fast as the post allows since he’s been there. You have nothing to worry over. He’s going to be happy to see you, Ash. I sincerely believe that.”

Ash sent him a small smile, one where the corners wavered with hesitance, like it was too afraid to be a full smile and end up snuffed out when things didn’t come to pass the way one hoped.

“All right. When are we leaving?”

“Actually…”

The hairs on the back of Sam’s neck lifted.

“Felicity and I would like to depart the day after tomorrow.”

Sam frowned. There wasn’t anything outrageous in that request. “That’s not a problem. I can have us ready by then.”

“I was thinking it might make sense…for you not to accompany us.”

Sam’s jaw went slack.

“Felicity has confided a few things to me,” Ash said carefully. “Apparently, her brother retired to their family estate early. She said he’s been moping and whiny.”

Sam blinked, not following this conversation at all. He shook his head but gained absolutely no clarity. “She can tell all that from letters?” he asked dumbly. He groaned inwardly. He hadn’t meant to inquire about a certain lord he was very much not thinking about.

Ash shrugged. “Supposedly. Some sort of sibling connection I know nothing about.” Ash drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair, the rhythmic pattering loud in the quiet room. “What if you…went to see him? Instead of traveling to Brackenridge with me, I mean.”

“But who will attend to you?” Sam’s head was spinning. He couldn’t seem to get his feet under him, which didn’t make any sense, considering he was sitting on his arse. He rubbed his chest, but it had little effect on calming his racing heart.

Ash studied Sam intently. Sam didn’t like it.

“Colborn’s valet can manage the both of us.”

Ash’s gaze snagged on Sam’s hand. Sam dropped it to his lap like it was on fire.

“I don’t understand what you expect to happen here.

I’m just going to arrive at his front door?

A servant? One, he’ll send me right back the way I came.

And two, it’ll raise all sorts of questions neither of us want asked. Can’t afford to have asked.”

Ash planted his elbows on his knees and steepled his fingers. “What if I send you? We still need to collect Felicity’s trousseau. You go. Oversee the packing of it all.”

Clearly, his best mate had been thinking about this for a while. Sam shifted. Not sure if the uncomfortable fluttering in his gut was from that knowledge or the thought of seeing Felix again.

“And…” Ash started slowly. There was an immense amount of weight in that one word. Sam fisted the arms of his chair. “Perhaps you won’t need to be there for the return journey.”

Ever? Sam’s stomach dropped. No. Stop, Sam. He was being a ninny. Of course, his friend didn’t want him gone. Ash was just trying to give him an opportunity to see the man he’d been pining over for the past four months. Sam cleared his throat. “How long?”

“How long…what?”

“How long until you want me back here?”

Ash blue eyes lit up. “So, you’ll go?”

Sam let out a shaky breath, his pulse tapping erratically in his throat. “I don’t know, Ash. This is a lot to process.” But bloody hell if it wasn’t tempting. And daft. So, so daft.

And if I could do it all over again, with it ending the same way, I’d do it again.

But only if it was with you.

This was it, wasn’t it? A chance for them to have that again.

Hopefully, for longer than a week, depending on how long Ash could manage without Sam.

But would Felix even want that? It had been four months of complete silence on both sides.

Sam might be pathetic and still fixated on the man, but there was no reason to believe Felix hadn’t forgotten about Sam.

“Oh, come on, Sam. What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Ash prodded.

Sam scoffed. “Are you addle-pated?” Ash’s lips flattened. Apparently, Sam had to spell it out. “He could say no.”

Ash leaned back in his chair and cocked a challenging brow. “I didn’t take you for a coward. So much for big ballocks.”

Sam glared at his not best mate. His worst mate.

“I don’t exactly have the best record with people choosing me.

I haven’t been worth it before. Why would now be any different?

The very people in this life who were supposed to love me, didn’t.

They wouldn’t even provide me with safety, security.

It is literally the bare minimum requirement of a parent. ”

Ash opened his mouth, but Sam kept going. “I’ve gone a very long time not caring what others think about me, how they feel about me. I’ve had you, and you’re all that has mattered. I’ve been happy with that. Am happy with that. I don’t—didn’t need anyone else.”

He dropped his head in his hands, rubbing his palms over his aching temples. “But Felix…”

“He matters, too,” Ash said simply.