Page 54

“Men. Only men. And I’ve pretty much always known.

I…can’t.” He shook his head forcefully, his wet hair flicking and sticking to his cheek and forehead.

Sam’s hand was there instantly, brushing it away.

Felix blew out a breath. “I can’t be with a woman.

Not that I’ve tried, but—” He shuddered.

He wouldn’t be able to. It would end in complete embarrassment. “No. I cannot.”

“Easy. No one is forcing you to, Fee.”

Felix’s gaze dropped to the small slip of water between them, softly slapping against their torsos. But weren’t they?

“Ah, the earldom,” Sam said.

“Fitzy and his wife are with child. If they have a son, the line will be secure. Mother still wants me to marry as extra protection…but technically, there would be no need.”

Even if that would always make him feel like he was letting Father down. It would be so much easier if he could be like Sam or Kozington and prefer both men and women. Or, if he just preferred women altogether.

“Those are some pretty loud thoughts you’re having there,” Sam murmured. “Care to share?”

“It’s something that I really struggle with,” Felix said.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words what my father meant to me.

He would have moved heaven and earth for his family.

To protect them.” He glanced around the dim-lit stone room.

“He had this very bathing pool built for me after…” He shook his head.

“He was the best man, father, earl. To be half the man he was…would be an honor.”

Felix’s voice dropped to a soft hush. “But I’m his heir, and there is one duty that outweighs all else when it comes to that role.”

“Continue the line.”

Felix nodded.

“If your father was so great a man,” Sam said slowly. “Would he not have understood that it made more sense for his second son to carry on the Bentley name…?”

Felix smiled—sad, fond. “My father didn’t understand, Sam.

He loved me, even despite my defect. But he could never quite…

wrap his head around it. He thought I could just marry a woman, produce an heir and spare, and have a male lover on the side.

Just as he and my mother had done. He thought it was exactly the same.

“And while there was Fitzy… I don’t want to suggest my father thought of Fitzy as lesser, because he didn’t.” Felix shook his head and let out a growl. “I’m making a mess of explaining this.”

“It sounds as though you had a very special bond with your father,” Sam said gently.

Felix swallowed thickly. “Yes. I’ve always only ever wanted to make him proud. And growing up, I did—in so many ways. Christ, when I succeeded at a task he’d given me, or took over a responsibility of the estate and excelled? His pride—his approval—it was everything.”

He shifted uncomfortably, flicking his fingers through the water’s surface, suddenly self-conscious.

Voicing that aloud… Was he pathetic? Yearning so greatly for his father’s approval.

Even still now, long after his father was gone.

He drew in a shuddery breath. “I think there is a part of me that feels a connection to him every time I do something I know he’d be proud of.

Like he’s still here with me. So, I grasp for those things, sometimes desperately.

Like with my sister’s horrible betrothal.

Like continuing the line. Because I just can’t let him go. ”

A strong, warm hand cupped his cheek, urging his attention up to Sam’s.

“You amaze me,” Sam whispered.

Felix tried to swallow past the lump in his throat, and his gaze dipped. He certainly didn’t feel very amazing right now. All he ever did was embarrass himself in front of this man.

“Mm-nmm,” Sam chastised, and Felix’s attention snapped back. “Don’t do that.” His thumb gently tugged on Felix’s bottom lip. “When I first met you, I thought you were so cocksure. Another pompous nob who thought he was above the rest of the world.”

“You don’t have a very high opinion of the aristocracy.” Felix had picked up on that very quickly. And with the Eton comment…it made him wonder…

“I don’t. They’ve proven, time and time again, they aren’t worthy of my regard.”

“Except the Duke.”

“Except for Ash,” Sam agreed. “I thought he was the exception. But coming to know you. Your family. Hearing of the work you and the members of The Harborage do and how many noblemen are a part of the cause… I’m starting to wonder if maybe the ones who have revealed their cruelty in the past were the actual exceptions. ”

Felix’s hands weaved through the water and came to rest on Sam’s hips. Sam moved closer, closing the small space between them. Skin to skin.

“You say your father was the best kind of man, Felix. That you have grown up trying to live up to the example he set for you. And I have to believe you’re right. Because the man standing in front of me puts all others to shame.”

Felix’s pulse took off, skittering through his veins in a frantic dash.

“You love so deeply. It’s beautiful.” Sam’s hoarse voice echoed softly around them. “God, Fee. I don’t know what you’re doing to me. All I know is I can hardly bear it.”

Felix couldn’t either.

So, he did the only thing he could think to do. He slid his hands around Sam’s neck and pulled the man’s lips to his.