Page 41

Felix

Felix tracked the gleaming ebony coach marked with the Bentley coat of arms as it rumbled closer from where he stood outside Devonford Castle.

He drew in a shallow breath—tight and stifled.

Each inhalation was a forced effort, a battle with lungs that seemed as though they no longer wished to serve him.

There wasn’t enough room in his chest for those vital organs, not with the heavy, thick clouds of despondency pressing inward.

Not with the shadows of his demons hovering close, murmuring in his ear:

Pathetic.

Inadequate.

Broken beyond repair.

He balled his fists at his sides, trying desperately to drown out the infestation of vile thoughts.

Thoughts that had plagued him since the moment Thorne had left his chamber two nights ago, had torn through him like a jagged razor as he’d fallen apart.

They were always there, lingering in the background, waiting for the moment his defenses crumbled. Waiting for the first sign of weakness.

Like two nights ago.

Felix had secluded himself in his room the entire day yesterday, licking his wounds.

He’d blamed it on the excitement of the events at the cottage, claiming he needed time to rest before his family arrived.

Which was the only reason he was no longer cocooned inside the canopy of his bed, buried under the covers. Wallowing in the dark.

Sinking under the weight of it all, just him and his demons.

Felicity kept shooting him nervous glances from where she stood next to him.

She’d burst into his room when he hadn’t made an appearance by the late afternoon—decidedly not like the Earl of Bentley.

He’d refused to talk about it, which had only made Felicity more nervous.

His family was well-aware of what caused him to fall into melancholy like this.

And when he had requested Felicity be the one to help him get ready for the day…

What did Thorne do to you? I’ll murder him, Felix. Just say the word.

His sister was turning into quite the lioness, just like their protective mother.

But Thorne hadn’t done anything wrong, something he had assured his sister of. It was the opposite, really. Thorne had done everything right . He’d been—in a word—perfect the other night. It was Felix who was the problem. It was he who had ruined everything.

Broken beyond repair .

His heart had been in his throat since he’d left his room this morning.

What was he supposed to do if he came face to face with the man?

Not only was he drowning in his past; he was fucking mortified .

Could it get any more embarrassing than falling apart during what was supposed to be a casual shag?

He was sure Thorne was avoiding him as well.

No man wanted to deal with someone who was this touched in the head.

Hell, he’d probably scarred the man for life.

His sister shot another concerned glance his way.

“Stop, Flick,” Felix said between his teeth without dropping his smile. “If you keep looking at me like I’m a fragile piece of porcelain, Mother is going to know something is wrong.”

Felicity scoffed and shook her head. “She’s going to know, anyway, Fifi.”

The carriage rolled to a stop, and Felix widened his smile. No, Mother wouldn’t. Felix was going to do a bang-up job of hiding it. No matter how agonizing an effort it would be.

He hurried forward as a footman opened the door to the carriage, determined to be the one to assist his mother down.

Her face lit as soon as she laid eyes on him.

He helped her down and was immediately engulfed in his petite mother’s arms. And in that brief moment, his mother’s light chased away the shadows.

He might be the fearsome Earl of Bentley, but underneath it all, he would forever remain his mother’s son.

With a last squeeze, his mother pulled away and turned toward Flick. Mother planted a hand on her hip and arched a rose-gold brow.

Felicity tucked her chin and went sheepish. “I must beg your pardon, Mama. For running off…”

“Without a word, Felicity. No note. I was terrified . And alone! I cannot believe you traveled all the way here alone . I swear my heart stopped beating when I found out. Next time you have grand plans of running off to seduce a reclusive Duke, at least bring someone with you!”

Felix’s lips twitched into a semblance of a smile for the first time all day.

And then his mother was swamping Felicity in a hug of her own. “I may not be happy with how you went about it, darling. But I am happy for you. So unbelievably happy for you.”

“Thank you, Mama,” Felicity whispered.

“Where are Fitzwilliam and Georgiana?” Felix scanned the inner bailey, but there was only Mother’s lady’s maid in her carriage, and the second carriage was Bentley servants. A small weight lifted when he spotted Giles, his valet, stepping down—rather shakily—from the servant’s conveyance.

Felix winced. He really ought to settle a pension on the man and let him enjoy a quiet retirement. But at least for the rest of this visit, he wouldn’t have any need to call for Thorne. The knot in his shoulders eased at the same time an odd pang shot through the hollowness in his chest.

His hands twitched, the urge to rub his breastbone nearly impossible to resist. But he needed to keep his cheerful facade in place until he could escape his mother’s presence. Speaking of…the woman in question was staring intently at him. He shifted on his feet.

“Georgiana was experiencing quite a bit of queasiness on the road, so they had to make some additional stops along the way to take some air. They should arrive in the next hour or so, I’d imagine.”

Felicity’s amber brows bunched together. “That’s odd. She’s never experienced travel sickness before.”

“Mmm,” Mother hummed noncommittally, shooting Felix a last searching glance before linking her arm with her daughter. “Let us go greet the Duke. I’d like to offer my congratulations to your new betrothed. Hopefully, this will be the last one you have.”

Felicity snorted. “I’ve only had two Mama. That’s not so many.”

“Yes, well, there is one more Stuart man,” Mother teased. “I’m not counting out a third.”

Felicity groaned. “Am I never going to live this down?”

“Darling, you gave your dear mother a whole collection of new grey hairs. I will be teasing you mercilessly for this for years .”

Felicity grumbled underneath her breath, and Mother’s tinkling laughter floated back to Felix.

He took a bracing breath and followed. It was only noon, and already his eyes dragged with the effort of keeping them open, an overtired ache building in his temples. His dark room and soft bed linens called to him. He just wanted to crawl back into that darkness and let it consume him.

That was the funny thing about melancholy, wasn’t it? It was miserable, ate away at you from the inside out, poisoning your mind with grim thoughts.

But you craved it.

It had the power to destroy you.

And all you wanted to do was let it win.

For now, Felix wouldn’t let it. He’d see how long that lasted.

Once Fitzy and Georgiana arrived, the entire Jennings clan gathered in the Devonford library, joined by His Grace and Lady Pandora.

The Duke was as stoic as ever but remained within an arm’s reach of his future duchess at all times.

Felix was still amazed that the same grim man standing before him was the one who’d laughed uproariously and jested back at the gamekeeper’s cottage.

The man was so much more than met the eye.

They all had layers, didn’t they? No one truly knew what hid beneath.

Look at his sister-in-law, Georgiana. She was this tiny thing, with large doe-eyes and spun-gold hair.

She was the picture of innocence. But Felix happened to know from when he had helped his brother through the early trials of his marriage that the angelic woman had…

risqué proclivities. And clearly Felix’s oft stuttering and perpetually blushing brother delivered, considering he hadn’t needed any assistance since.

Felix stepped forward to greet his brother and sister-in-law. He bussed Georgiana on the cheek and pulled back with a soft smile. “You’re positively glowing, Georgiana.” He would forever be grateful for the woman. For what she had given his brother. More confidence, more smiles, more laughter.

Now was proof. Fitzy’s dimples were on full display, his grin practically eating his face. He was quick to tuck his wife back to his side, and she melted against him. A deep, aching longing settled in Felix’s chest. They were so utterly, maddeningly, in love. So perfectly fitted.

“And you, Fitzy…” Felix arched a brow. “Careful, your countenance might end up stuck in that foolish grin permanently. What has you so overjoyed?”

His brother and sister-in-law exchanged a surreptitious glance. Felix’s gaze bounced between the two, a niggling suspicion growing. He glanced at his mother, who was looking very pleased. His attention shot back to Fitzy. “Fitzy… Are you… Are you?”

Fitzy’s grin widened further, a feat Felix hadn’t thought possible. “Gigi’s with child.”

Felicity squealed behind Felix and then practically attacked Georgiana in a hug. Felix opened his mouth, but his throat decided it was the perfect moment to close over. So instead, he reached for Fitz and hauled his brother into a bone-crushing hug.

“I’m so bloody happy for you, Fitzwilliam,” he said in a choked whisper.

Fitzy’s hands tightened on Felix’s back.

“Thank you, brother.” They both released each other, and a pair of glassy amber eyes reflected back at Felix.

A mottled red blush was rapidly spreading over Fitzy’s features all the way to the tips of his ears.

“I never thought a family was a possibility,” Fitz said hoarsely, voice wavering. “Not for s-someone like me.”

Felix’s chest tightened, his brother’s pain taking root as his own. He knew those fears all too well. He would forever be indebted to Georgiana for taking that pain away for his brother.

Gigi sidled up to her husband. “It’s funny,” she said, so much love in her gentle tone, in her sparkling green eyes. “I can’t think of someone who deserves a family more than you, love.”

“I couldn’t agree more, brother,” Felix said gruffly.

And yes, the pathetic muscle in his chest ached, wailed that it wanted what his brother had, too. A child—children—a family. It was Felix’s dream. An unattainable one.

His parents had created all of this. The love and joy overflowing from this room. Because they’d provided an endless amount of love to their children, loved them for who they were, taught them how to survive in a world that wouldn’t. Felix wanted to create that for himself.

His shadows crowded closer. A family of his own wasn’t a part of his future. And if two nights ago was any indication, neither was love. It appeared no matter how hard he tried, he’d never be able to outrun his past.

But even as pain threatened to surface, the warmth that filled Felix’s chest from his brother’s news, from his brother’s unadulterated joy, wrapped itself around the damaged organ hiding there, a soft blanket of comfort.

He glanced heavenward, and a part of him thought he could feel his father’s presence drifting around the room.

His siblings were finding their happiness, secure and safe in their futures.

That was everything Felix could have ever hoped for.