Page 64

Felix

Felix strode over to the library sideboard and picked up his drink.

He put it back down. He went to the settees in the middle of the room and sat.

Then stood. Fuck . Where was Sam? He’d quite literally disappeared after that meeting.

Once The Harborage had adjourned, Felix had gone in search of Sam. And had come up empty.

He walked to the windows, scanned the fields this side of the house overlooked. Not that Sam would be out frolicking in them. He dragged a hand down his face. He didn’t even know where to look. Maybe he should go to the stables and see if Sam had ordered a horse.

A soft double-rap echoed through the room. Felix spun, hope whirling in his chest—and his gaze landed on Sam.

Felix’s frame sagged. But the relief was short-lived. Sam didn’t step into the library. His grey eyes were as elusive as smoke, unreadable, and even though he leaned casually against the door frame, his muscles flexed and twitched with tension.

“Where have you been?” Felix winced. He had really hoped for that to sound nonchalant. Instead, every bit of his panic had come out in his high tone.

Sam’s clenched jaw and furrowed brow instantly softened.

They met in the middle of the library and stopped, stared, searched each other’s gazes.

Felix clasped his hands behind himself to prevent himself from reaching for Sam.

He didn’t know what was going on with Sam, what the uncertainty glimmering in that steely stare meant.

All he knew was he didn’t want to do anything to make it worse.

“I took some air,” Sam said quietly. “I might have been coerced into sharing a whisky with your stable master along the way.”

Oh. That was…not anything Felix would have ever expected.

Sam reached up and squeezed behind his neck, a sheepish smile curling his lips. “He’s a fountain of wisdom, that man. I had gotten all twisted in my head, and he was able to straighten me out.”

Felix nodded dumbly. That was good. Malcolm was a great man to talk to. He had this way about him that instantly calmed a person. Malcolm somehow made it easier for a person to cut through the turmoil, to focus on a problem and face it with a level head.

“It was nice to have a man’s guidance,” Sam added softly. “I haven’t had that in a long, long time.”

He hadn’t had a father’s guidance. Sam didn’t have to say it outright for Felix to understand what he meant.

Felix knew Sam had come to Devonford at eighteen.

Knew of Sam’s lack of family, lack of willingness to share about them.

But that’s where Felix’s knowledge ended.

He bit on his cheek. There was quite a bit about Sam he still didn’t know.

“Was it…Ryker? Did he offend you?” Felix asked. “They’re a raucous group, my partners. Between the Kozington twins and Ryker’s…Ryker-ness… If it helps, he’s like that with everyone. No one can tolerate him. But for some reason, we’re all terribly fond of him, anyway.”

Sam shook his head, his lips teasing into an uncertain smile. “No, it wasn’t Ryker. Not in the way you’re thinking.” Sam nodded toward the settees. “Would you sit with me? I have some things I’d like to say. Some things I’ve been avoiding discussing that I really shouldn’t have.”

“Of course…” Felix was trying really hard to ignore how ominous that sounded.

They sat side by side on one of the settees. Felix took a small comfort in the fact that Sam sat close enough that their thighs pressed up against each other. That slight contact slowed the rapid staccato his heart had taken up.

Sam leaned forward, elbows on knees, and scrubbed his face with his hands. Then he blew out a breath like he was about to impart something he knew Felix wasn’t going to want to hear.

Felix’s muscles bunched, bracing for the next blow life was about to deliver.

“This past month has been… I don’t have words, Fee. It’s been absolutely incredible.” Sam straightened and turned so he faced Felix. “I let myself get lost in you, lost in us, just you and me discovering whatever was happening between us.”

Felix nodded. Waiting for the but. There was always a god-damned but.

“But we have to face reality, eventually.”

There it was. Felix tried to swallow…and failed.

“I have reservations, concerns, that I’d pushed aside. It hadn’t seemed prudent to discuss something before we really knew what this was between us. Cart before the horse, so to speak.”

“All right.” Felix’s voice came out like gravel, and he quickly cleared it from his throat.

“Let’s hash them out. Whatever it is, Sam, we’ll address them.

” It might sound theatrical, but there was nothing Felix wouldn’t do to make this work.

To make them work. Sam had been there for Felix so many times since he’d arrived at Thornfield Hall.

In such a short time, he’d proven to be a person Felix could rely on, a person Felix was safe with when his troubles overwhelmed him.

He wanted to be that person for Sam, too.

Sam smiled, a small glimmer reappearing in his grey irises. Felix latched onto that minor sign of hope.

Sam tapped his head with his forefinger and winged a brow. “Logistics.”

Felix huffed out a breath through his nose. “Exactly. Let’s discuss logistics.”

Sam’s visage turned serious. “I’m not comfortable with the power imbalance between us. I cannot be dependent on you. For this to work, I have to have a livelihood of my own. It is too big a risk for me otherwise.”

“I would never abuse my power over you, Sam,” Felix rushed out. “I can settle an allowance on you. So, you are free to do as you please without needing to come to me—”

Sam winced, and Felix abruptly cut off.

“When I first arrived here, we jested about me being your kept man.” Sam’s stare was resolute, jaw set. “But I’m nobody’s kept man. I am my own man. You have my heart, Fee. But because I willingly give it to you. Not because I have no other choice.”

“That…” Was completely understandable. Felix tried to envision being in Sam’s place. Felix understood the need for security. To feel safe. Would he feel safe in Sam’s position? Absolutely not. “I respect that. And understand the need for independence,” he said quietly.

Sam shook his head, bemusement tilting his lips. “I don’t know how women do it. I truly don’t. This world forces them to rely on men in nearly all cases. It takes the kind of strength I will never have to survive with so little control.”

Felix rolled his lips in. Wasn’t that the truth? Some women were driven to such drastic measures they resorted to running off and seducing their fiancé’s father in order to protect their future. Bloody hell.

“So… A line of work, then? You desire a position. Or do you also desire your own home? Outside of Thornfield Hall, I mean. I want Thornfield Hall—all my estates—to feel like home for you, Sam. Even if you require a separate residence, too.”

“Just a position—one not tied to the estate—would put me at ease.” Sam gave Felix’s thigh a squeeze and smiled softly. “It would be a waste to have my own place when I’d be spending all my time here with you. But I need a livelihood I can fall back on. If…” Sam’s gaze flitted away.

“If you were to decide this isn’t working anymore,” Felix finished for him.

Sam’s attention snapped back to him. “If you decide this isn’t working anymore.”

Felix frowned. “Why would I ever think that?”

Sam bit his lip and hung his head as a low chuckle rumbled from him. “Let me rephrase. Neither of us plans to ever decide this is no longer working.” Sam’s smile widened, and his grey eyes danced.

Felix’s heart gave an extra-hard thump. That was the first he’d seen of the Sam he knew all conversation.

“However, if circumstances were to change, whether due to one of us or due to an external force, I need to have something outside of us to turn to.”

Felix nodded firmly. “Then we’ll make that happen.

We’ll find you a position.” He tugged on his bottom lip with his teeth, scanning through his mind.

“We’ll think of something.” They’d have to write down a list of Sam’s attributes.

What his skills were. Strength, obviously.

Organization and management, definitely—essential for any valet.

Perhaps a secretary type position. He glanced back at Sam to find the man leaning back casually against the settee, arm sprawled across the back, grin splitting his face.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re being very Felix right now,” Sam said, grey gaze dancing.

“I don’t know what that even means.”

“You are trying to solve my problem, yes? Rifling through that mind of yours for a solution. It’s what you do. You want to solve everyone’s problems for them. The ones you care about—you want to take care of them, problems and all.”

Felix opened his mouth and hesitated. He supposed that was true. He just wanted what was best for the people he loved. He didn’t want them to have troubles.

“My little Fix-it Felix,” Sam said softly.

Heat bloomed on Felix’s cheeks, and his gaze drifted away. “I’m not little .” But he supposed he did tend to be—what did Flick say? The most boorish boor to ever boor? He was a bit overbearing. A bit.

“Your Mr. Campbell actually already assisted me with it. We came up with a few possibilities worth pursuing.”

“Oh?” Felix cocked his head. Curiosity prickled over his skin. And the bastard knew it. Because he just sat there casual as you please , grinning at Felix. Felix glared at the vexing man. “ Saaam.”

Sam chuckled. “Fine, fine—tutoring. I’d like to look into securing a position as a private tutor.

With my education at Eton, I’m well-suited to working with sons of local gentry, with households where boarding school isn’t an option.

” He tilted his head back and forth, leisurely stretching his neck.

“And while I don’t want to depend on you.

I wouldn’t say no to having the Earl of Bentley recommending me. At least while I’m first starting out.”

Felix arched a brow, raking his gaze over the big broad man in front of him. “I will never say no to…throwing all my support behind you.”

A surprised snort escaped Sam. “Was that a naughty jest? From the great Earl of Bentley? Where are my smelling salts?” He made a show of searching around, even searching under the settee pillows.

Felix rolled his eyes and smacked Sam on the shoulder. “You’re absolutely ridiculous.”

“I try,” Sam said with a grin.

Sam was clearly feeling better. It was a relief to see him back to his usual self. Unfortunately, Felix was fairly certain what he was about to bring up was going to put a damper on Sam’s improved mood.

“You said you went to Eton. With the Duke?”

Sam’s smile froze in place, and then slowly faded. He nodded. “Yes. Ash was a couple years ahead of me. We met during my first year there. Best mates ever since.”

“Most valets don’t attend schools like Eton.” Eton was primarily attended by the aristocracy and wealthy gentry, perhaps some ambitious upper-middle-class professionals. But a servant? Unheard of. Which meant Sam belonged to one of those classes.

“Who is your family, Sam?”

Sam looked away, his fingers tapping on the top of the settee back.

Felix didn’t want secrets between them. He wanted Sam to be able to rely on him. Sam was such a support for Felix; all he wanted was to try to be that in return.

“Will you at least tell me what happened?” Felix whispered.