Page 60 of Dirty Roulette

Chapter forty-three

Ryder

Payton and I spent the afternoon walking alongside the gift shops lining the ocean side. She carried the flyers with Charlie’s face as I stapled them to a palm trunk littered with other posters. We’ve chatted to shop owners, taping flyers to their windows, and leaving a handful at their counters.

As we stroll out of a surfboard shop, a gust of wind tears through the air, catching the flyers’ edges in Payton’s hands and snatching them up.

“You gotta be kidding me!” Payton chases after the flyers as they scatter and are strewn across the street.

“Oh, my god!” She bends down to pick up a flyer, and more papers flutter out of her hands. “Are you serious!”

I’m chasing papers all over the sidewalk and streets, managing to grab a few. I almost snatch another, but the wind picks right back up and it’s carried off further than I can run. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Payton comes over with a pout, hugging crumbled flyers against her chest.

“It’s okay. We’ve been at this for hours. Maybe we should call it quits today,” I say.

“I should have held onto them better.”

“It’s okay. You want to get some coffee? I’ll buy.” I point my head to the little coffee joint nestled between several shops.

“Sure.” She follows me, and the bell chimes as I hold the door open for her.

The flyers land on top of a round table as she scoots the metal chair against the wood floor and collapses down, looking defeated.

I’m mentally exhausted too, and at any second my brain just might splatter all over the place from the sleep deprivation.

The barista punches in my order and offers to take the remaining missing flyers to hand out. I pay for my order and toss my change in the glass tip jar. I attempted to ask my mother for help this morning, but she was with the church getting help spreading the word about Charlie there.

I grab our drinks and head over to the round table.

Payton sits with her foot propped up on the chair and her chin resting along her kneecap.

She curls long strands of her hair around her bony fingers and only lifts her head when I sit down.

I got her some fancy fru-fru coffee with a bunch of caramel drizzle, whipped cream, and all those random sugar syrups she likes.

I slide it over and sip on mine, blacker than night.

We haven’t spoken much since she came storming into the bedroom, smacking me awake with a bag of condoms. Ever since she landed on me, I asked her to be with me.

I never wanted to pretend to be her boyfriend.

I never pretended to care. I genuinely love her and more than I should.

It’s not something I’ve been able to shake off either.

“So...” I break the silence, running my thumb against the warmth of the cup.

Payton stirs her drink with a wooden stick and says, “Yeah...”

“You want to deflate his balls?” I bite my bottom lip, staring at the black liquid reflecting the ceiling and the dim orange lights illuminating the shop.

“I think I can do it.”

“Hack the Jumbotrons?” I swallow hard.

I plugged in the little flash drive she showed me. My throat went dry with all the data given to her from Fatso at the gas station. When videos of me from freshman year popped up, I slammed the computer shut. I ended up taking the coldest shower possible to stop myself from heaving into the toilet.

“Mr. Clorox says he can help me hack them if I get him into the control room. He said he would put together an entire presentation to expose Roulette. It’s on the top floor... but I have to get these flash drives of dirt Brody has on him.”

I huff and lean back in the chair, rubbing the crease of my neck.

“How are you gonna find these flash drives? And security in the stadium is everywhere. You’re not going to make it up there without someone stopping you.

” Payton is quiet as she plays with the whipped cream and licks it off the stick.

“Look, we really need to talk...” Fuck, she goes pale with the words.

The one thing I don’t want her to do is shut me down.

I see it in her opal eyes, leaving mine.

I reach over the table before she can retract her hands and hide them in her lap.

“Payt...” I turn my head sideways and squeeze her hands together. “Come on, cutie.”

“Yeah...”

“I don’t want to force you to make a tape with me. I think we are past that at this point. We don’t need to do any of this. If I’m the one you want to be with, I want to make it special, something you will treasure forever. There is so much going on.”

“You aren’t forcing me to do anything... I...” She bites her bottom lip, her eyes staring down at her lap as she pulls her hands out of my grip. “We can stop Brody from ever hurting anyone again. Cops will see that he hurt your sister and others. He can get charged for it.”

“This is going to come out cheesy, but I’d want to...” I pause. Men don’t say this sort of thing. I’m leaning my head back in the chair massaging the aching nerves in my face. I suck in a deep breath. “Give me your hands.”

She holds them over the table and I grasp them again.

They are cold as ice as I rub my thumbs along her soft palms. “I don’t want to have sex with you, I.

.. I want to...” Payton attempts to slide her hands out of my grip, but I hold on a bit tighter, so she looks me in the eye.

The emotions swell up, but I watch her suck it back down with a swallow.

“I want to make love to you. That’s what I want, this is why I can't take this from you. If you are going to lose your virginity, it needs to be me loving all of you. This plan is not that. It’s Brody forcing us to make a video so he gets what he wants.

I don’t want anyone else in that room besides me and you.

” I release my grip and wrap a hand across her cheek, stroking her velvet skin with a thumb as I say, “It belongs to you, and only you.” She clenches a hand on mine, holding onto my fingers.

She is quiet again, and a sweltering pain lodges in my throat.

“If it’s you, it would be perfect,” she says, taking in a breath and staring down at her lap. Her right leg fidgets under the table, drumming a million miles an hour. “I just want to make this right for Charlie. It’s all my fault.” She drops her head.

“No, no, Payt. None of this is your fault.” I lift her face back up to mine. “I’m sorry, I was an ass. I was mad, but none of this is your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself for this. Just like you said this morning, we are sticking together no matter the outcome.”

“I never felt this way before, and it’s you. It hurts. I dunno where Charlie is, and if you disappear... I... I dunno Ryder... I’m terrified of losing you, too.”

Her gaze falls back down, but I shake her with my palm against her cheek. “Look at me.” Those beautiful opal eyes tremble. “I’m not going anywhere, so if you think you can bring Brody down, I’ll help. Run me through your idea again.”

***

I don’t like how Noah looks at Payton. It’s as if she’s the only person in the room.

Something bites me in anger. All I hear is the heartbeat in my neck, and my palms start sweating.

I run a hand down my face, standing in a garage smelling of old leather and sweat.

We just got here – it hasn’t even been five minutes and I’m ready to hightail it out.

Payton spills the dirty details about her diabolical plan to expose Brody. Noah soaks up every word. Or he’s staring at her rack since she decided to wear a low-cut tank top with her cleavage hanging out. Or maybe that’s just me.

I don’t like the obvious ego he has, or his black cargo trousers and hoodie with skulls.

Either I’m dyslexic or it’s impossible to read the tattoo font of words stitched on the sleeves.

I can’t wrap my brain around why guys grow out their hair and tie that shit up like a Super Duty Hefty trash bag calling it a bun.

The guy’s nails are even painted black, like he pranced out of a nail salon.

Girls like Payton eat that shit up, too.

Even Charlie was into this guy. I’m getting a migraine watching how well Payton meshes with him.

Noah hunches over on the drum throne resting his arms over his legs nodding his head, and side grinning at her.

A guy graffitied in ink and screaming into a mic would better suit her personality.

She’s always been into music, gushing over another band, and Noah fits into that box.

For the longest time, I watched her melt for some skinny singer named Andy with smudgy eyeliner and lip piercings.

“Do you think our band can play at the football game? We aren’t really mainstream music.” Noah pushes a strand of hair behind an ear as he scrolls through his phone.

“They support local bands all the time. There is still an opening to play. It’s a twenty-minute slot.”

“All I do is fill out this form, and that’s it?” He points at his screen.

“Yeah.” Payton leans in, looking over his phone. Of-fucking-course, she’s not wearing a bra either. A bucket of sweat runs down my face. “There are gonna be people who’ll like your music there.” Payton dances on her toes.

“And while we play, that’s when you plan on hacking those screens?”

Payton does her cute head shake with a shrug. “I just have to get Mr. Clorox into the control room... and you gotta play some good screaming revenge shit.”

Noah runs a hand over his chin and turns to me with a hard look. “I’ll do it.” Then he looks Payton dead in the eyes. “I’ll do it for you, and Charlie,” he says. The way he says it sends a shock wave up my spinal cord to my chest. It aches.

We spent another ten minutes in the garage.

Payton helps him fill out the request form, but won’t stop chatting up a storm with him.

The only thing that came out of my mouth was a subtle hello.

She finally notices I’ve been non-stop checking the time on my phone and gets the hint.

I swallow the lump in my throat when Noah hugs her.

I bite my tongue with how her arms wrap around his neck, and I’m about to bloody his nose.

We are quiet on the drive back to the house.

No words. Just merely existing in the same space.

My arm tingles and goes numb, and I guess it’s from me leaning into my hand.

I’m tired, and I have to work tonight too.

When I glance at Payton scrolling through her phone, she’s looking at photos of Noah and his band, and my mouth goes dry.

“Do you like him?” Shit. There it is. The question stuck in my throat comes up like I drank ipecac.

Payton scratches the edge of her scalp with a finger, with her eyes darting at me. “Do I like him? Yeah... as a friend, he’s in love with Charlie.” Payton’s eyebrows knit together.

“Sorry, I might be overthinking things...”

Her face crumbles. “Oh...” She turns her head outside to the city, passing by us on the highway. Through the reflection of the window, the pain I saw in her eyes when Charlie walked in molds all over her features again.

“Sorry, I honestly didn’t think you would ever talk to me again.

I’m happy you're next to me, and your music is playing, and I can smell that vanilla perfume you always wear.” I swallow, and glance back at the highway, the white lines blurring as I drive.

I’m so tired, and there is no way I can call out tonight.

Not with my bank account running on fumes. “Payt...”

“Yeah?” She asks.

“I get you want to expose Brody, but I don’t give a shit about Roulette. I’m done playing. I want to help you, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I’m not doing this to play Roulette,” she argues.

“But you are still playing, Payt! You are playing Roulette!” I slap the palm of my hand against the steering wheel.

“And I’ll be the one that finishes Roulette for good!” She snaps.

“Why?”

“Because... I’m the reason you are in this mess!”

“I chose to be in the mess with you. Nothing would have stopped me from choosing otherwise. I thought about you all the time since I left for college. Even before you landed on me, I always wondered how you were doing, and if you’d be at the house when I came to visit.

I always look forward to seeing you. God, you were gorgeous at prom.

You don’t even know. My heart was pounding the entire time. ”

“Sebastian...”

“Don’t you dare use my first name.” My grip on the wheel tightens.

“I don’t want Noah. I want you. And if we are sharing feelings then you have to know that after you started dating Brittni, I pretty much gave up on myself. I didn’t try anymore, I didn’t want to wear makeup or comb my hair. Charlie forced me to.”

“Me dating her really fuck you up that bad?”

“I thought you would kiss me at prom or something. Like really kiss me, and it didn’t happen. I watched you leave for college and you ended up bringing her home. I wanted to be with you so bad that it hurt. I was so scared of Charlie finally seeing how badly I had it for you.”

“I’m not jealous of that guy personally, you two just seem to get along alot better than we do.”

“Because we have always been an old couple bickering. There is nothing wrong with that.” she says with a smile.

“Well, I have to work tonight, and after my shift I’ll go talk to Brody. But I don’t think I’ll like what I hear, and I don’t think you’ll like it either.”

“Can I stay at the house and steal your clothes? Will that make you feel less insecure?” She asks, tilting her head to the side with her beautiful smile and eye flutter.

“Do what you want, cutie. I’ll be home a little after midnight.”

“I’ll make sure I’m on a silver platter with an apple in my mouth waiting for you.”