Page 41 of Darling

“Stop it. I’m a horrible cunt. You know it and he knows it: everyone knows it.”

“Felix,” I warn. He knows I won’t stand for this sort of talk about himself.

“Ok, sorry. Anyway, I didn’t mean to make it about me, you had a fucking heart attack. I can’t believe you had a heart attack.”

“A very minor one. Hardly worth mentioning.”

“Yeah, which is why you never bloody mentioned it.”

“I promise you, I am quite alright. Everything is quite alright.”

“Well, if anything, at least it means you’re taking some time off work. You work too hard. I’ve been telling you this for years. You need a fucking holiday.”

“Mmm, I have been enjoying the rest,” I admit.

??

Later that afternoon, I decide to leave the house. I take a walk east through Dumbarton Oaks Park towards Georgetown. I’d sneaked out while Leo was downstairs in the gym. Gael had gone out to run some errands, and Mrs Kennedy was busy in the kitchen, so my escape route was clear. At Wisconsin Avenue, I turn and head south towards the river. It’s a pleasant day for a walk, clear skies and very little wind, and I have an image of walking hand in hand with Asher on a day just like this. I should have told Felix about him, perhaps even asked his advice about how to navigate this thing, or if I even should. I know what Felix would say, though, there would be no hesitation. He’d encourage me to grab this thing with both hands and enjoy it, try to be happy again. He’d told me that same thing when we’d begun our dalliance.

I still remember the look on his face when he realised I liked the look of him in the smallest pair of shorts. He had beenhard to ignore; he always was. It had been a garden party at Adrian’s place after the closing down of parliament. He’d looked apoplectic when Felix had wandered out from the house wearing only a pair of small pink shorts, flip flops, and a pair of pink-framed sunglasses, his body tanned and smooth all over. The entire cabinet had turned and stared. My mouth had fallen open, dick stirring dangerously in my trousers, and my throat dry as I swallowed.

“Oh look, it’s the government,” Felix drawled, unimpressed. Then he flopped down on a sun lounger, shoved his headphones into his ears, and stretched his body out to tan. Adrian had boiled quietly and tried his best to ignore his son until the food had been served. At which point Felix had finally disappeared inside. Later, I’d come out of the bathroom on the first floor to find him waiting outside. I’d watched with awe as he’d come toward me, tanned body dappled with sweat and the scent of coconuts all around him. He’d brought our bodies unnecessarily close as he’d squeezed past me into the bathroom. Before closing the door, he’d given me a look and asked in a very sultry voice:

“Like what you see, Mr Foreign Secretary?”

The sun had been too hot, and I’d had too many glasses of wine by this point. Felix was diabolically tempting—he always was. He’d been flirting with me since he was a boy of sixteen, but he was a man now. He had returned from Russia a man. A dancer. A rising star. And he was going to make me lose the last thread of my restraint.

“Felix,” I’d warned.

His eyes had shuttered, tongue dipping out to lick his bottom lip. “Christian… I know you want this. And you can have it. I’ll besucha good boy for you.” He’d reached out a hand, looped it around my belt, and tugged me with him into the bathroom.

And he had been a good boy for me. He’d revived me, morethan I even thought was possible a year after Stella’s death. I didn’t want to go back to who I’d been before Felix. He’d set me up for Asher, shown me that I could be happy again if I allowed myself to be.

Asher strutted into my life with the same brazen confidence that Felix once had —his bright blue eyes, impish smile, and a style all of his own. Was he a bad idea? Probably. Was he worth it? Most definitely.

I pull out my phone and dial his number. He doesn’t answer, though I get his voicemail.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m downtown, walking, and I wondered what you were doing and if you wanted to grab some early dinner? Sort of… like a date. If you’ve plans, that’s no problem. I just had a very rare afternoon alone and decided to take advantage of it. I’d love to see you. Let me know.”

I’m at the riverside when he texts back.

Z:

Sorry, was driving. Yes let’s go on a date. Where?

Me:

I’m at the waterfront right now. Do you have any recommendations?

I glance around, across the road is a movie theatre.

Me:

How about dinner and a movie? There’s a movie theatre too.

Z:

dinner and a movie, huh? Very basic.