Page 101 of Darling

Leo shifts uncomfortably now.

“We continued to see each other for some years, in secret. I was aware of the consequences of someone finding out, how it would look. Felix, for his part, didn’t care if anyone knew, but he respected that I never wanted anyone to find out, and so he agreed to keep it private. And you know what happened next.”

“Someone found out.”

“Adrian Brooke found out.”

Leo’s eyes flash with anger before he asks: “Would you and Felix still be together if not for him?”

“No. We’d ended things by then. Shortly after Nicoló arrived in London. I could see how Felix felt about him, and I urged him to go after it, to have something real.” Asher’s words echo across my soul then:I want to be with you, in a relationship. A real one. I want a future with you. I don’t want to be someone’s arrangement.

“Would you still be with him if not for Nico, then?”

The question makes me pause; it’s not something I’ve ever thought about. “Perhaps, because I was selfish and happy to have him in my life. But I suppose I always knew Felix wouldeventually find someone who would treat him as he deserved, and I would go back to being… well… alone.”

“How many have there been?” he asks after a moment. I can’t work out the tone until he clarifies: “Young guys half your age?” Disdain.

“Two.” I can see he doesn’t believe me, and I suppose I can’t blame him. “I swear on your mother’s grave, Leo, there have been two people since she died. Both men: Felix and Asher.”

He sits with this a moment, then asks, “Isn’t it… weird? You fucking guys the same age as your son?”

So he’s more unsettled by their ages than their gender. That gives me some hope. “Society would say that it is, yes. It’s why Adrian was able to force me out of my position, under threat of exposure.”

“I’m sure he was the one who sent the email to me…” Leo muses. At the look on my face, he says, “I got an email just after you left, saying you liked men—younger men. It implied there were a lot of them… That it was being hushed up, but that it’d come out one day. That it was why you’d resigned and gone to the States.”

I sit back in horror. “Christ, Leo. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t really a conversation I wanted to have with you, Dad. We barely talked as it was, and when we did, it was about work. I had no clue how to broach something like that with you.”

It occurs to me then: “Was that why you left Whitehall?”

He shrugs. “Partly. Partly because it was terrible and I hated it. I appreciated you getting me the job in the first place, and I didn’t want to let you down, so I stayed. But fuck, Dad, that place is hell.”

I laugh at the passion with which he says it. “I agree.”

He stares at me, unblinking. “So why would you even dream of going back? After that? How they treated you? You reallywanna be Prime Minister that badly?”

“No. I don’t.” It feels like a very long breath being exhaled. “I tendered my resignation to Lewis this morning. I’m not going to be Chancellor or Prime Minister, either. I’m leaving politics completely.”

Leo’s mouth drops open. “You’re actually serious?”

“Extremely.”

“Dad, that’s… good. I think that’s really great, honestly. What are you going to do?”

“Heal. Rest. Work on myself.” I look at him resolutely. “Be there for you.” The look on his face is one of vague horror, but then he laughs, and it makes me smile, too. An easy silence settles between us for a while before Leo speaks.

“So the guy in your office last night was Asher?”

I nod.

“He was the same guy in the hospital, right? I recognised him.”

“Yes.”

“And you and him are… together?”

I shake my head. “Not anymore. He ended things this morning.”