Page 33 of Darling

It’s said with the sort of tone that discourages any further discussion. I do worry about how he’s handling things without me there, not that I interfered, as such, but I was able to make sure people were treating him well, looking after him, not overworking him the way they did most other graduates. Some people would call it nepotism; I call it parenting from theshadows. I was quite sure he wasn’t happy in politics; Leo wasn’t cut out for the level of backstabbing and often front stabbing required to get ahead in that environment. He was softer-hearted than most people knew, though he put a very different front out to the world. But after his accident, he had been rudderless and lost, unsure what his life was going to look like without the sport he’d adored since he was old enough to hold a racquet. He didn’t have the academic inclination that both myself and his mother had, so following us into law was always out of the question. I wanted to keep him close after Stella died, so finding him a post in Whitehall had made sense at the time, if only to get him out of bed in the morning.

“Have you spoken to Gran or Grandpa yet?” he asks.

“Yes, this morning.” My mother was a panicked mess, calling to my father to start packing a suitcase while still on the phone. I’d talked her out of it easily enough. She wasn’t an enthusiastic flyer and was convinced when I told her I was quite alright. When Leo goes to use the toilet, I lift my phone to find a text from Asher from a few minutes ago.

Zachary:

Do you really want iced tea? Or should I go?

Me:

Best if you head home. I’ll call you later.

Zachary:

will you, though?

Me:

Yes. I promise. Thank you for coming.

Zachary:

Thank you for not dying in my bed. Talk later.

When Gael arrives a short time later, I ask him to take Leo back to the residence and see he has a shower, something to eat, and a rest. Mrs Kennedy comes to visit just after lunch with three cartons of soup she’d made that morning. When I open the lid, I feel a rush of hunger so intense it feels like coming alive again. On her round, the doctor tells me that my vitals look well and that she’s happy to release me the following day. I shower awkwardly in the bathroom of my room, dress in soft pyjama trousers and a T-shirt, and pick up my phone to call my mother as I’d promised. At the last moment, I dial Asher’s number instead. He answers immediately.

“Hey,” he says. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, fine. I wanted to apologise about earlier. I thought having you come back might invite some more questions.”

“It’s no worries. I shouldn’t have sneaked in like that…”

“I’m glad you did.” And I mean it.

He’s silent a moment. “So that’s your son, then?”

“Yes, that’s Leo.”

“He doesn’t really look like you,” Asher remarks. “I mean, I guess he looks like his mom? I wasn’t suggesting… fuck, you know what I mean.”

I chuckle. “I do. He looked very like me as a child. But yes, he’s very much Stella’s son now.” That’s why it is sometimes so hard to look at him.

“So who does he think I am?” he asks carefully.

“It didn’t come up.”

“Phew, okay, good. I’m… yeah, just sorry for putting you in that position.”

“It’s quite alright, no damage done.”

There’s silence for a moment before he says. “So… you think this isnonsense?”

I sigh. “I think… sneaking around with a man half my age is something close to nonsense, yes. With my job, and my life, it’s extremely ill-advised.”

“I get that you think that,” he says. “And I’m not here to force you out of the closet or anything. But sex and intimacy aren’t nonsense. They’re fucking vital, Christian. Human connection is vital.” His voice is sterner than I’ve ever heard it, and I feel like I’m being told off. Clearly, he’d been thinking about this in the hour or so since he’d left. “It’s actually the thing I miss most about Ohio. That connection. I live a pretty solitary existence now, and I do like existing alone, but I also value those moments I get to really connect with another human being, you know?”

“Is that why you do what you do?”