Page 26 of Darling
“A mild one probably wouldn’t kill me.”
His eyes widen a little. “Probably?”
The sound of sirens cuts through the silence.
??
I wait until I’m at the hospital before I give them my full name and my emergency contact details. It’s Gael here. Leo at home.Aside from my parents, there’s no one else who needs to know what’s happened.
Asher had not been permitted in the ambulance with me, though he’d argued with the tall, serious paramedic valiantly. I was glad he’d lost the fight. It didn’t feel sensible. None of this is. I imagine him at home, now, pacing with worry. The main thing I feel now that I know I’m going to live is embarrassment. A heart attack. A heart attack whilst fucking a man half my age. Christ, I am truly a walking cliché of a man. A pathetic one at that.
Early diagnostics look like it was a coronary artery spasm, likely caused by stress, combined with a family history (both my parents have had heart attacks, albeit not in their 40s). It will be eight weeks of R&R at home with minimal exertion, and then preventative medication for the rest of my natural life. They want to keep me here for a few nights for monitoring and to ensure there’s no further spasms. This, the doctor told me, is a risk in someone my age. Sometimes these follow-up spasms can be milder than the first, sometimes more serious; there really is no way to predict it.
Gael arrives shortly after the on-call doctor leaves the room. He is dressed down, Columbia hoodie in navy and a pair of dark jeans. He looks youthful out of his suit, attractive and wholesome, and his eyes are wide with concern. He’s carrying an overnight bag. My overnight bag.
“Sir, I came as fast as I could and had Mrs Kennedy pack what she thought you might need. Are you doing okay?”
“I’m quite alright, Gael. No need to look so worried.”
He nods, looking no less worried. “I called Seema, Sara, and Micah, sir. Seema is on her way.”
“Oh, there’s really no need for that.”
“It’s protocol,” he reminds me. “The foreign secretary hasalso been informed.”
“Wonderful,” I say dryly. Another thing for Lewis to stress about. He is about a year away from a coronary spasm of his own.
“Is there anyone else you need me to call?”
“I’d like to call my son, if you’re able to arrange a telephone in here? I left my mobile in the office.” A lie. I left my mobile at Asher’s. On top of the boxes of uneaten pizza.
“You can use mine, sir.” He hands it to me.
“Appreciate that, thank you, Gael.”
“Of course, Ambassador.” He sets the overnight bag down on the chair by the bed. “I’ll step out while you make the call.”
“Gael,” I say. He turns. “Please drop the ‘Ambassador’, at least while we’re in here; I may well be on my deathbed, and I don’t want the last thing I hear to beAmbassador.”
His mouth pinches into a small smile at one side. “Sure thing. Christian.”
I nod my gratitude and dial Leo’s number. Leo’s, my old driver, and Felix’s are the only mobile numbers I know off the top of my head. I’ve too much other useless information in there to retain more than three, I suspect.
He doesn’t answer. Probably since it’s a number he doesn’t recognise, and he is entirely Gen Z in that respect. After the beep of his voicemail, I tell him what’s happened, that I’m okay, and that if he wants to speak with me, he can contact this number. I want to call Asher next, but I don’t know his mobile number off the top of my head. I’m certain Seema, when she arrives, could find it for me in her web of information, but that would be like admitting my stupidity out loud. Just like how allowing him to come to the hospital in the ambulance would have been stupid. Just like how sleeping with him has been stupid. And careless. I am still a careless, stupid man.
Still, I feel strangely calm as I sit here, machines beeping the status of my existence into the bright silence. I could have died. But I suppose each day we wake up in the chaos of the universe, it could be our last; some freak accident or act of God wiping us out in the blink of an eye. I think about Stella. How much she had left to do, how much love and light and humanity she brought into the world, and then she was just… gone. Ithadbeen as quick as the blinking of an eye. The blink of an eye had stopped my entire world, Leo’s world. Her charities and her firm, all devastated. Whose world would stop with my death? Leo’s? It’s a thought I’ve had before, and I find even years later the answer is no different. My circle is as able to continue without me as it was then. It’s a morbid, self-pitying train of thought, and it’s broken by the door opening and Seema walking through it. Unlike Gael, she is still dressed in full business dress. Gael is at her back, and I hand him his phone.
“My son may call back; I left him a message.”
Gael nods.
“Sir, how are you doing?” Seema asks as she rounds the bed.
“Never felt better, actually.”
She gives me an unimpressed look.
“I’m doing alright, Seema. They’re looking after me. It wasn’t a very big heart attack.”