Page 40 of Darling
“Good morning, sweetheart. Nice to hear from you.”
“Don’t fucking ‘sweetheart’ me. I had to hear this from Miranda, Christian. What the actual fuck?”
I sigh. “Well, sorry about that, but there seemed no sense in worrying everyone. I’m fine.”
“I’m noteveryone,” he says, sounding hurt. “I thought we were friends? Why wouldn’t you call to tell me?”
“You’re busy withIliad, and your own life. Besides, it wasn’t particularly a conversation I wanted to have with you over the phone.”
He’s quiet for a moment. Then, gentler, “Are you okay?”
“Felix. I’m fine, I promise.”
“I was so fucking scared,” he admits quietly. “The idea of something happening to you... Fuck, Christian. I can’t. And like,how is it fair that you have a heart attack and my dad’s walking around in the prime of his pathetic, pointless fucking life?”
“Well, in regards to your father, I think to have a heart attack, one would be required to be in the possession of a heart.”
He snorts at this. “Yeah, you’re right. Well, I spoke to Ben and he’s happy to put Matt in for the next week so I can come over.”
“What? No, Felix, don’t be silly. I have enough people fluttering pointlessly around me as it is. Leo’s here, and I’ve Gael, my assistant, and my house staff, and a nurse who comes every other day to give me a once-over. I’m being very well looked after.”
“Oh, okay, well, fine.” He deflates. “I am coming to visit next month, though,” he threatens.
“And I’ll be delighted to see you, then.”
“I’m glad Leo’s there.”
“He hasn’t left my side; it’s like having a bloody toddler again.”
“You can hardly blame him. He must have been shitting it…”
“Of course, yes. And I’m glad he’s here, but I’ve barely had a moment alone since he arrived.” It’s the main reason I haven’t been able to see Asher since I got home. I was surrounded, day and night, by people who wanted to know what I was doing and how I was feeling at every waking moment. Felix and I talk about what happened, what my recovery looks like, and what they think caused it. It’s on the very tip of my tongue to tell him about Asher. If anyone would understand, would welcome this kind of madness I’ve gotten myself involved in again, it would be Felix. But something holds me back. He’d want details, a lot of them. Christ, he might even know his work. I know Felix watches porn. I know most men watch porn. I’ve dabbled, of course, but I’m not what anyone would call a connoisseur. In fact, the only porn star I know is the one I’m sleeping with.
“So how has the rest of the show been?” I shift the topic away from my health and back to him. “Still selling out every seat in the house?”
Felix sighs. “Ben says we could sell out three times over most nights. Which is wonderful, but I’m fucking tired. Nico is tired.”
“I can only imagine, but Christ, it’s a magnificent show, Felix. Is there to be a tour?”
“Almost certainly. He’s working out the details. But I’ve already told him I need a break before we even think about taking it overseas.”
“That’s very sensible,” I concur. “How is Nico? How are you both? Still desperately in love?”
He laughs, a little breathlessly. “Unfortunately. I don’t ever want to do this again: be in love.”
“Well, hopefully you won’t have to, sweetheart.”
“It’s fucking embarrassing how obsessed with him I am, though,” Felix whines. “I want to be with him every minute of the day. Does it calm down at any point, or is this just how it’ll be forever?”
“Do you want it to calm down?”
“Yes! I go to fucking Tesco’s and I’m calling him from the vegetable aisle because I miss his voice! Don’t tell him I said that, I always pretend it’s because I’ve forgot something. But it’s not. Christ, I love him.”
I smile, even as something small and sad flickers beneath my ribs. “I’m so happy for you, Felix. Truly. He’s a wonderful man, and he’s good for you.”
“He’stoogood for me. He’ll realise that soon enough, and then he’ll leave me and I’ll go join a monastery.”
I laugh at this, at the very idea of Felix abstaining from sex. “Nico is very lucky, too, trust me, I know. You’re quite wonderful yourself.”