Page 28 of Darling
It’s what I do. And it fucking works, too. He’s in recovery. He’s alive and in recovery, she tells me, but no, I can’t speak to him. Visiting hours start at 8am, though she can’t tell what the restrictions of his care are at this time, so it might not be possible to see him. But knowing he’s alive is what I need to stop pacing and panicking. I take a shower and doomscroll myself into a light, fitful sleep.
In the morning, I text Cole to cancel our collab today. It sucks because it’s one I’d been looking forward to and had been trying to arrange for a while, but my head (and my dick) would not be in it, so it would only be a whole waste of everyone’s time. He’scool about it, though he can’t commit to another shoot anytime soon because he’s way busier than I am.
I’m leaving the apartment—wearing the most normie clothes I own, jeans and a preppy T-shirt I found at the back of my closet—when Leah (the world knows her by Cleo now, but we’ll always be Thomas and Leah to each other) calls me. Her weekly check-in. I debate ignoring it, but my sister only becomes more of a pain in my ass when I do this. Ever since she found out about the porn thing, my sister, the rockstar, has turned into some kind of grandmother. Checking in every week without fail to make sure I’ve not fallen to ruin. After the article dropped, which, granted, wasn’t the best way for her to find out, she’d appeared in New York out of nowhere to stage some sort of fucking intervention. It was laughable, because it was, apparently, okay for her to be making rock music and getting tattoos and doing drugs, but it was not okay for me to be doing sex work to pay my bills. The hypocrisy had been staggering, honestly. Which had only driven the wedge between us that little bit deeper. So to say things have been tense would be an understatement.
“Hey, I’m just about to get into the car, so can this be quick?” I say.
“It can be,” she says, tightly. “How are you?”
“Good. No drugs. Still on PrEP. No STIs. That it?”
“Oh, fuck you, Thomas. God forbid I give a shit about my little brother.”
“God?Seriously?” I snort.
“Figure of speech, Jesus.”
“You really can’t help yourself, can you, sis?”
She makes a frustrated noise. “Look, I just… worry about you, okay.”
I bite my tongue at this because it’s easy to worry about me now. Easy to pick up the phone and ask how I’m doing now. Askif I need money now.
“Yeah, and I told you, you don’t have to. I’m fine. And if I’m ever not, I’ll call. I promised you that in New York.” I’m pretty sure I never would, but the promise gets her off my back in the moment. I key myself into the car and hop into the driver’s seat as Leah thinks, loudly.
Sometimes I hate that it’s like this between us, but I’m not sure how to change it, or if I even want to. Because I’m still pissed at her and I don’t think there will ever be a time when I’m not. She left me. She walked out that fucking door without a word and left me there. Yeah, I know why she did it. And I also know she couldn’t have taken me with her; I was fourteen, but she still fucking left. Andnowshe wants to make herself feel better by calling me once a week to check in? Well, I don’t need it now. I needed it then. Everything I’ve done for the last five years has been on my own, by myself, and she doesn’t get to swan back in here and start trying to play big sister because it’s fucking easy for her now.
“So you don’t need anything? Money, or whatever.”
“Yeah, wire a million over, will you?”
She sighs. “Asher.”
“No,Cleo,” I say firmly. “I don’t need money. I’m good.”
“Okay. Fine. Well, I’m going to be in New York next month. We’ve got a show; it would be good to see you.”
“You’re not splitting up then?” Her lead singer had been caught with a dude on camera, while still engaged to some actress, and I knew things had been rough for them since.
“Honestly, I think this might be the last tour we do.” She sounds half-sad, half-relieved. “It’s a mess. Rapha and Mase don’t speak at all now, so fuck knows how this will go. We’re all acting as go-betweens right now. So yeah, we probably are gonna split.”
“Sucks, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah… I’ve been talking to some friends, though, about other projects, so I’m excited about those.”
“Well, that’s cool.” And it is. I’m happy for her, really. She is still my sister. I can hate her ass and still want the best for her. “Look, I don’t know about New York. I’ve got a friend who’s really sick right now, and I kinda wanna be around for him if he needs me.”If he’ll let me.
She doesn’t press on the wordfriend. Which I appreciate.
“Is he gonna be okay?”
“I think so. I’m actually on my way to the hospital now to see him.”
“Oh, shit. Okay. Well, I’ll call you in a few days. I hope your friend is okay.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Bye, Thomas.”