Page 89 of Chaos has a Name (An FBI Romance/Thriller #66)

“I see the boy who had no hope and how damn lucky we were to find you before that piece of shit destroyed you. Thinking about you dying in my place isn’t something I need or want.

I have enough on my shoulders keeping everyone safe, and dealing with everyday stress.

I have enough blood on my soul and hands, Takoda.

I’m going to ask you to let this go. Not for you but for me.

Because while your ego might be bruised if I make you feel like an inferior Marine, mine will be destroyed if I have to watch you bleed out at my feet. ”

He listened.

“I’ve seen too much, Takoda. I’ve experienced more than my share. I watched my mother die, and I know that scares you. I know that you see me as the one who saved you, but that’s not the truth.”

He was confused.

“It isn’t?”

She shook her head, and tears filled her eyes.

“Each one of you saved a little piece of me. Being your mother, and everyone else’s is what saved my soul. It is the ONLY thing I’ve done that is pure. It’s the only thing this life of mine hasn’t tainted. I’m going to ask you to give me this. Like I mentioned, I’ve seen and experienced too much.”

He put his hand on her cheek, and she turned her face into it to leave a kiss there.

“I spent my childhood being abused. I know how you desperately want to prove you’re strong.

I lost my father, and I lost Sam. I lost friends in front of me as I wasn’t able to save them.

I couldn't save Coraline’s mom. I couldn’t save people who deserved to be here.

If I can’t save you, I can’t do this anymore.

Right now, for some unfathomable reason, humanity needs me to do this job.

Give me this, so I can function and keep saving people. ”

He understood what she was saying.

“No, Mom, I can’t give you this. Because whether you believe it or not, if you die, and I’m not there to save you, I’m in the same situation.

I understand why you’re scared. I’m scared too.

I live in a perpetual state of fear. Maybe I need this because I know that you won’t ever let me down.

I know that if it goes to shit, I don’t want a Marine keeping me safe. I need my mom. I need you.”

A tear slipped down his cheek.

“Let me hold on,” he whispered. “I’m a father now, and I don’t know how to be that person yet.

I need to be near you, and I need to learn.

We’ll be going back home when this is over, and I’ll go back to work.

I need to be with you right now—not hiding.

Please let me be near you so I can find me.

It’s not about protecting you. You don’t need me.

You have you and the Marines. Let me watch and learn from the one person I admire most in this world.

I will let Uncle Ivan and Uncle Gryphen save you.

Just let me be there so I can take it all in.

Oliver is going to need someone strong. I’m not strong enough yet. ”

She wiped the tear on his face with her thumb.

“Don’t think of it as protection duty for you, but protection duty for me. I want to do what you do one day. I have the opportunity to watch, learn, and keep it under the guise that I’m protecting you.”

Now, she understood.

Her son wasn’t ready for the weight of the world, yet, and he wanted his mom. Being with her, and playing bodyguard gave him the time to keep growing.

“Cora and I are young. I need to learn as quickly as I can so I can be what Oliver needs one day. I want to carry that badge—the same one you carry. In order to do that, Gabe has given me the opportunity to be on duty with you. I have a unique opportunity to learn from the best. One day, Mom, you’re going to retire, and I want to be the Blackhawk that keeps this going. ”

She opened her arms, and he hugged her. He picked her up off the ground, much like Callen always did. It wasn’t lost on her that they all started broken, and it took time to get to this point.

Crazy.

And tired.

“Please, Momma. Please,” he whispered.

When he put her down, she was to the point.

“You wear body armor. You stay silent, and you stick by the Marines. If I’m interviewing or working on something, you melt into the background. When I can include you, when it’s safe, I will. Otherwise, silence is golden on my team.”

There was relief.

“If things go south, you go South. If for one second, I think this talk was bullshit, and you’re just finagling to protect me, I’ll call the Pentagon, and pull strings. Gabe is powerful, but I’m crazy, and people fear my insanity.”

He said nothing.

“You can come out with me, and learn. I’ll give you the opportunity to be a sponge, as long as I feel like you’re safe.”

He held her hand.

“Thank you, Momma. I love you. Thank you for understanding.”

She was to the point.

“You’re a good Marine, Koda. You’ll be a damn good Fed one day. I think you’re insane to want to do this, but then, I guess all the good agents are a little shy of the mark. Like I said before many times, the best people to get justice were the ones who never had it.”

Her son kissed her knuckles of their joined hands. In that moment, she was his hero once more.

“Ready?” she asked.

When he nodded, she started walking back, him still holding her hand.

“Can you show me how to be as fast as you are?” he asked.

She laughed.

“That’s something you just pick up. Practice it. Use Ivan as your practice person. I’d love to see you put him on his ass.”

He grinned.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

As they reached the car, Ethan was standing there with Raphael.

“You good?” he asked. “Because Gabe wouldn’t relent. He said the boy is staying with us as long as we have his grandchild hostage.”

She wasn’t shocked.

Ethan was to the point.

“Amy showed up, and made a scene at the gate. I think he’s worried about his family’s safety. We can put him under guard with his wife and son.”

Gene and Callen were heading out of the cabin, and met them by the car.

“No, he’s on guard duty.”

They all stared at the boy like he’d managed to do the impossible.

What was this?

He was either a Svengali or Elizabeth had a stroke and forgot a whole bunch of shit.

She glanced over at Ivan.

“Let me see you, and Gryphen for a second. I want Raphael to take Ethan into the office.”

Her husband lifted a brow.

“Uh, why do you want that?” he asked. “Ditching me for a young man?” he asked, trying to joke but it wasn’t amusing him at all.

She was to the point.

“These nutbags are following us. They’re playing a game. I need to know who is next. I would have said it was me, but now, I think the police chief is in danger. If you go in, I can borrow Raphael.”

Ethan waited.

“He’s a creeper. He can follow us, and keep an eye out to see if anyone is following us too. I want him to do recon. I don’t like this game, and I don’t like being out in the wide open.”

Ethan got it.

He would be safe inside the FBI. Only, it still didn’t explain why Koda was going.

But he gave her time to finish.

“You can keep Chris company, and make sure the techs are doing their job. Today is going to be rough. Like taken out, not bought dinner, but boned good in the backseat of a hatchback and then dumped on the corner.”

Callen laughed.

How could he not?

Ethan was curious.

“And our son?”

She was to the point because she didn’t lie to her husbands.

“One day, he wants to do what we do. I’m going to give him a chance to see it. Don’t think for one second that I won’t tackle him if he’s in an iota of danger. I’ll make him wish he was back at bootcamp.”

They got it.

Elizabeth was going to save Koda’s feelings, and give him what he wanted.

Like a good mother.

Instead of arguing, Ethan gave her a kiss.

“Okay, my love,” he said. “I’ll hold down the fort while you do the legwork. Keep updating the drive. I’ll see what I can profile out of all of this. Keep my family safe,” he said, glancing over at Raphael, Gryphen, and Ivan. “I MEAN IT.”

They just nodded.

His tone said it all.

Ethan was not playing.

“Raph, we’ll give you an update on our whereabouts,” she said, moving to the back of the vehicle where she grabbed body armor.

Taking it out, she handed it to her son.

“Remember our talk.”

He nodded.

“I will, Deputy Director.”

As he suited up, she spoke to Ivan and Gryphen. Oh, and she left nothing to the imagination.

“I want Gryphen on him at all times. He’s going to be riding with us from here on out.”

Ivan stared at her.

“We’re short-staffed, Elizabeth.”

She was to the point.

“Then, get us more team if we’re short-staffed. I don’t care how much it costs. He wants to learn how to do my job, and I’m going to teach him. That’s my job. Yours is to make sure he stays hole-free.”

He pointed one thing out.

“My job is to keep you hole-free.”

She was laying down the law.

“Ivan, I don’t give a flying Fig Newton about me. I can hold my own. Just be glad we’re going home as soon as we figure this out. Then, we have plenty of bodyguards there.”

Well, thank God for that.

Ivan liked it out here about as much as he liked the idea of having his balls rot off.

This was not fun.

Not.

At.

All.

He hoped she got this shit under control.

And damn soon.

DC was looking damn good right about now.

Who would have saw that coming?

* * * The Blackhawk Family * * *

Thursday Morning

Rayna’s Cabin

When she rolled up and knocked on the cabin door, it was Uriel who opened it for her.

“I see you guys were busy,” she said, busting his ass like she tended to do.

When he blinked, saying nothing, it made her laugh.

“With getting the killers to hunt you down—not what you’re thinking, dirty boy.”

When she clarified, that made him laugh.

“Well, imagine our horror when we thought the dog wanted to go out to piss, and instead, there’s a head sitting on the porch.”

If she had a dollar for every time she found a random head somewhere it wasn’t supposed to be, over the last twenty years, she’d be able to buy them all breakfast for a week.

That was just how her life rolled.