Page 119 of Chaos has a Name (An FBI Romance/Thriller #66)

“I need to be here. Coming back, I saw the good we did, and I need to do my part. I can’t go back to DC with the family. I need time, and I’m going to be selfish. I’m staying here to heal, and to start my life.”

Her heart was racing.

Was he…ending them?

Start his life?

They had a life in DC.

This sounded…ominous.

Ethan pushed through, knowing it was only fair. He had planned on dying on this sword, but Gene told him that as his husband, he’d tell her if Ethan didn’t.

If the truth didn’t come out, it would destroy what they had regardless.

So, he had no choice.

Ethan was making a choice for himself, and only himself.

“I’m going to stay out here, and I’m going to try to be the Shaman this tribe needs. It’s clear that the reservation still needs the Blackhawks. As for work, I’ve already spoken to Callie and Axelle. I’ll work here.”

And that was the straw that broke the weepy camel’s back.

Tears filled his eyes.

Not only was he saying goodbye, but he’d done it behind her back.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, Elizabeth, but my soul needs this—to heal, to find me. I came home but I never healed at home. Now, in order to do that, I have to say goodbye to that life in DC, and welcome a new beginning for me.”

She wanted to weep so badly.

“EJ.”

He rested his forehead on hers, not giving her the chance to say anything. This was already the most difficult decision of his life.

A lot had happened over the last fifteen years, some of it good, some of it bad. Only, now, he knew that in order to be the man he was meant to be, he had to be selfish.

And take something for himself.

It was time for him to face the demons here to vanquish them once and for all. Then, he’d be a whole man again.

For the first time ever.

“Please don’t give up on me. I’ll try to get back to DC and to you. I know that’s your home, and where you thrive, but I’m dying slowly there.”

That devastated her.

It broke her soul.

“Just leave me a jet. Hell. I’ll buy one if I have to. I’ve already spoken to Gene. He’s going to stay with me, and we’ll try to live in your world, as I try to build mine here.”

Her.

Heart.

Broke.

“I love you so much, but I have to be whole again in order to be what you all need. Don’t hate me for saying goodbye, but what happened to me in Philly, and what I’ve never gotten over still chases me.

I can’t run much longer from it without never being able to beat it.

For now, Elizabeth Renee LaRue Blackhawk, I have to come back to where it all started.

Almost sixteen years ago, we came here to make a name, and I have to make a stand here, so I can fight back to finding myself,” he said, putting his hand over his heart.

In that moment, she didn’t know what to say or do. This had floored her, and it had caught her off guard.

Unbelievably.

Before she could say anything, he touched his lips to hers softly, in a promise.

“I’ll make it back. I have faith in me. I’m a fighter, but right now, the fight has to happen here.

I’m going to let you go because I know that’s your world back in DC.

It was never mine. I hope you forgive me one day,” he whispered.

“I hope you can forgive me for taking what I need for myself at the cost of your heart. Hurting you…it was never my intent. Saying goodbye was never the plan.”

What could she say to that?

He’d told her the truth, and now, the fallout was all around her.

“Tell my kids nightly that I love them. I hate that I’m being selfish, but I can’t be a father or partner when I’m not whole.

What David Neives took from me, I have to find a way to find that peace again.

What Wyler and Timothy took from me, I have to find a way to fill it back up.

I always knew if I came home, I’d have to stay, and that’s why I’ve fought so hard to avoid it.

Only, I can’t run forever, Elizabeth. I’m not strong enough to keep running.

It’s right behind me, and neither you, or Gene, can fight it for me. This has to be done by me.”

When his voice hitched, and Gene saw the tears on both of their cheeks, he approached.

He knew how difficult this was for both of them, and that there was no easy solution.

The division was clear.

“How long will you be here?” she asked, her voice shaking with emotion.

In all of her life, she never saw this coming. She never thought she’d see Ethan say goodbye. She’d never thought he’d choose here over…them.

At her question, he didn’t lie.

“I don’t know. A long time ago, I refused to come back here because I feared the lure.

Timothy knew, and deep down I knew too. I am of this land, and I need to be here to find my way.

Only, I can’t run like Wyler. I can’t hurt you like that.

I won’t just disappear one day, and make you wonder. I love and respect you way too much.”

Instead, he knew he was hurting her like this.

“It’s calling, Elizabeth,” he whispered. “And I have to answer. It’s half of me. I’m Native, and I have to be here. I’m sorry.”

When he set her hand free, Ethan backed up, and couldn’t face her anymore.

“You will forever be my raven,” he said. “I wear you on my chest because you’re my armor. Only, now, I have to see if I can fight this myself.”

With the expression on her face, he knew that this had blown a hole in his heart—a heart that he’d just begun filling up.

There was no doubt in his mind they would move on without him. After all, he was the one saying he needed to be here. He was the one who was damaging their unit.

Their precious unit.

Callen and Chris would love her more and fill her back up with that adoration, and in time, if they couldn’t stay connected, she’d forget about him.

Honestly, she deserved better.

A broken man couldn’t heal others when he couldn’t heal himself.

In front of the totem, he said one last thing.

“You will forever be the raven here too. You’ll forever be the raven who saved me, and made me see that we have to be ourselves or it ends us.”

Then, taking the hardest steps in his life, even more difficult than when he left here at eighteen, Ethan Jackson Blackhawk walked away.

“Goodbye, EJ,” she said, not sure what else to say. In all honesty, her mind was going a million miles a minute.

It astounded her that at their best, they were actually at their worst.

Trauma had won.

And she’d lost the other part of the foundation that held this whole family up.

When he was gone, Gene hugged her.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know how much this has to hurt you, and he didn’t mean it to. He’s been struggling with this since the day we found out Wyler left. What happened to him changed him, and he needs to find a way through it.”

He wiped her eyes, using his sleeve.

“You should have told me,” she whispered. “This hurt,” she said, that ache in her chest. “This blindsided me, Gene.”

She never knew Ethan was in this bad of a place, or she wouldn’t have let him come here.

Gene kissed her on the tip of her nose, and lifted her chin so they were staring into each other’s eyes.

“I couldn’t. I broke him once, and like I hold your secrets, I have to hold his too.

I’ll make sure he’s safe. We can’t take Willa from her siblings.

Please forgive both of us. If we both leave him, he’ll never make it.

Someone has to stay here to protect him as he embarks on this journey.

He’s not strong enough to do it himself. ”

Elizabeth’s brain was screaming in warning.

She was losing her husband.

Immediately, she felt nauseous, and wanted to be sick.

As Gene set her free, she had to let her FBI partner go too. Her ride or die, had rode off with Ethan.

This was a new thing for her. Now, it was just the three of them.

In DC alone.

She lost her profiler.

As he disappeared, too, Elizabeth looked up at the totem, there was a raven with spread wings, much like the one on Ethan’s chest.

All the memories came back.

Them showing up here, and building FBI West as a team. Them leaving as a team.

Them coming back as a team.

This was an end to an era—one she never saw coming. For Elizabeth, she couldn’t even rage or cry. She told Ethan once that if he just told her the truth, she’d never hate him.

And he’d told her the truth.

Turning, she walked back to the car. Now, she had to do the hardest, most difficult thing in her life.

She had to say goodbye.

To one of the men she loved.

Once inside of Timothy’s cabin, Gene found Ethan crying.

He was silently sobbing as he did war with what he needed to heal, versus what he was obligated to do for his family.

The weight of being the patriarchal figure was burying him in the mire of guilt.

It was time to glue his man back together again with time and love. Oh, and he knew that it was going to take a very long time.

If he could pull it off.

There was no doubt what was going to come with them, was going to be difficult, and Gene felt no joy being the only one here with Ethan.

He was losing his family too.

“It’ll be okay,” Gene admitted, giving him the same promise he did years ago as they came full circle. “We’ll get back to DC. I promise you that.”

Ethan wiped his eyes.

“But it won't be the same. I left once, and my wife took me back after my anger. I don’t know if she’ll take me back after my selfishness.

I just told her goodbye, and I swore I’d never walk away from her, and I did.

I chose me over them, Gene. At what cost?

I don’t know if I can survive this. I don’t know if either choice will keep me whole. I hurt so badly.”

That broke Gene’s heart.

“She’ll never hate you, EJ. Ever.”

He stared up at him with tears streaming down his cheeks, and dropping from his lashes.

“But I hate me.”

Yeah, Gene only hoped and prayed he’d talked Ethan into doing the right thing.

Cars headed out, and they heard them.

So, Gene sat there, holding Ethan against his body, willing strength into him.