Page 77 of Chaos has a Name (An FBI Romance/Thriller #66)

My time has obviously come if you’re reading this letter. I hope my passing wasn’t brutal, and that I did it alone. The last thing I would want is for Ethan to see me leave this world, and to carry that on his shoulders.

He is the best child a parent could ask for, and I only wish that I had more time with him.

There’s so much more he needs to learn before he can be out in the world on his own.

He needs someone to soften this hurt that he’s feeling, and protect him from that anger that will pull him down and hurt him more.

That person needs to be you.

I’m not angry with you, Wyler. Even though you broke my heart by putting the alcohol and the countless women before me, I forgive you. Now, you need to forgive yourself. You need to pull yourself up, put your needs last, and help Ethan navigate this. If no one helps him, it will destroy him.

You can’t let that happen. You have to be the one who protects him from here on out. You have to be the one who stands up and shows him how to be decent.

He’s going to do great things, Wyler. Greater things than you and I ever have. He’s going to be a father one day, and you have to bridge that gap with him before you drink yourself to death.

Put him first, Wyler, or if you can’t, let him go.

If you can’t be the father he needs, like you couldn’t be the husband I needed, let him go.

It was easy for you to abandon me, putting your selfishness first, but don’t destroy our son.

I forgave you for what you did to me, not for you, Wyler, but for me so I could meet my maker in peace.

Ethan deserves nothing but love, and if you can’t show him that, let him go to another family that can. Give him the chance to leave here, and find his way. He’s smart, and he’s going to be so handsome one day. Let him find his worth if you can’t give it to him.

That’s all I want from you, Wyler. In amends for all that I’ve carried the last years, I ask that you don’t hurt him out of anger because of your issues, or me dying. I fought as hard as I could to be here for Ethan. Now, you have to do the same.

I envy you.

God.

I envy you so much.

You’re going to know the Ethan I never will. You’re going to see that smile of his as he’s charming the ladies, and how he’ll hold his own children when they’re scared.

You’ll get to see him walk down the aisle, and who he’ll marry as his true love. I won’t ever see that. I won’t be there to welcome his wife into his world, or his babies after. What wouldn’t I give to hear someone call me grandma?

You’re lucky, Wyler.

Don’t forget it.

Also don’t forget that the child we made was loved gently, and fostered with all the kindness of a mother’s heart. I poured myself into him with the intent of making him a good man.

Because he’s the best son a mother could have.

If you take care of him, and you show him that he’s special, precious, and unique, along with the other son you’ve created, I’ll forgive you and hold your place in the afterlife.

All I want from you is the promise that Ethan will not be hurt by you anymore than he already is. You’re all he has left, and he deserves a father especially when his mother was taken from him.

Please.

Please change for him, since you couldn’t change for me.

Tell him I love him. I loved him the second I felt him move in my body, and when I read to him while he was in me.

Tell him that I cherished each flower he picked me, and I kept them.

Tell him that I loved seeing him and his brother, Callen, together.

Because what they have is a special bond, and it’s going to be what saves him in the years that come.

Tell him that my brightest moments were with him, and that not for one second did I regret giving up my previous life to be his mother. It was the most amazing gift in the world.

Take care of my son, Wyler. Take care of the oath you made, when you promised to love me and him forever. It’s time you stopped putting you first, and put our son first.

I hope you make the right decision for once.

Ethan’s life is worth it.

Tell him that I hope one day he goes and finds the other part of his family. Tell him my sister’s name is Jennifer Kennedy-Smith, and to start there.

His journey is beginning, and I’ll forever be grateful I was at the beginning of it. Please give him the box I left for him. Timothy has it, and he will remind you.

Be well, Wyler.

I hope you learn to love yourself one day too. I know that the death of your mother put you on this path, and I pray Ethan doesn’t end up on the same.

Until we meet again,

Cathie.’

He closed the note, and said nothing. The whole time, Ethan had tears on his face.

“I let you go because of me, not you,” Wyler admitted. “I couldn’t love me, because I couldn’t breathe. Don’t be angry with Timothy or yourself. The reason he let you go was because I was supposed to do the right thing, and I never did.”

His heart hurt.

But wordlessly, Ethan handed him the letter back.

Then, he got up, and walked out of the back door of the cabin, letting it slam shut behind him.

When Wyler rested his head on his arms, he knew when she was there.

“What happened?” Elizabeth asked.

Wyler just slid the note toward her, and she read it over.

It was when Demeter came to the back door and opened it.

“Ethan is in the treehouse. Do you want me to stay up there with him or guard the bottom so he can’t get into trouble?” he asked.

She shook her head.

The last thing he needed was security.

“No, D. I’ve got this. Don’t worry about it. We’ll be good. Stay with him until I can get up there. Then, you can go back to patrol.”

The man nodded and headed out. It was clear that he could read the room, and this was NOT the time for any jokes or humor.

“Do you have the box with the things from his mother?” she asked.

He nodded.

Well, Ethan would want them at some point. When he did, she’d make sure he got them.

“We’ll handle this,” she offered.

For that, Wyler was grateful.

When she turned around and headed into the living room, she broke the news.

“Ethan is in the treehouse. It didn’t go well. I’m going to go stay with him,” she offered, as she was grabbing the spare blankets and pillows off of the couch. “I’ll make sure he’s okay. I know we were going to go over everything else, but this takes precedence.”

They didn’t argue, only because they didn’t know what the hell had happened, and if Ethan was angry.

As she carried the blankets and pillows out, she gave Wyler a kiss on the cheek.

“Give him time. This blindsided him. When he comes to grips with it, he’ll want to talk to you, and get that box. Just be ready.”

And Wyler knew.

It wouldn’t matter.

Ethan would never forgive him, and that was his burden to carry—not his son’s.

Deep down, a part of him was hoping for one thing.

That chemo didn’t work.

Because Wyler didn’t want his son to suffer the next few months.

He wanted Ethan to be able to let him go.

When his time was up.

* * * The Blackhawk Family * * *

The Treehouse

Ten Thirty P.M.

When Elizabeth found him, Ethan was sitting in the treehouse and staring out the one window to look at the stars. His back was to the tree, and he didn’t hear her, clearly.

“Want company?” she asked.

When he looked over, she knew he was lost in his feelings, and she wasn’t sure how long it would take to pull him out of it.

If that were the case, he was staying here, not helping her work this case. Yeah, she’d pull him again, simply because she needed everyone on their game.

He wasn’t.

When he saw her, at first, he was going to say no, but then, he changed his mind.

Ethan nodded.

“Actually, yes.”

Putting the blankets and pillows down, she sat between his thighs, and rested her back against his chest.

“Are you angry? Hurt? Tell me how to approach this,” she said. “What do you need to help you through this?”

Ethan wasn’t sure.

“I’ve been angry a long time, and I don’t want to be anymore.

I read my mother’s letter to my father, and I don’t want to take the path he did.

As I was reading it, Elizabeth, I’ve realized that I’ve been flirting with going down that path my whole life.

I have to stop it and end it here and now.

I don’t want to keep that going. I want to know I was a good man when I die. ”

She didn’t blame him.

As he held her, and used that moment to comfort himself, he shared.

“She said I was a good son,” he whispered.

“I want to be that. I want my mother to be proud of me. When I’m here, I can feel her.

It’s like when I was a child, coloring, or watching cartoons.

I always knew when she was around, watching me.

I could look over, and see her smile. I know deep down that here, I can connect with her. ”

For that, she was grateful. Elizabeth wished that she’d had the chance to meet Catherine. From everything Ethan and Callen told her, she knew she’d love and admire her.

Elizabeth held his hands in hers as his chin was on her shoulder.

“You’re an even better husband and father than child. You’re the gold star in that. I’ve watched you with your children, EJ. They love you so much.”

For that, he was grateful.

He’d nailed that in life, at least.

“I hope I never behave like Wyler,” he admitted.

She squeezed his hands.

“You’re not Wyler. You’re Ethan, and you did a good job finding your way.

You did everything she wanted you to do.

You found love, you made something of yourself, and you had children you love more than the world.

Oh, and did I mention you have four partners who cherish every second they have with you? ”

He kissed her on the top of the head.

“I don’t want to hold this crushing grudge, Lyzee. I want to be able to come here and not be angry at the world. How do I let it go?”

She wished she could answer that for him. Already, she saw the difference in him from fifteen years ago. Ethan had already begun finding himself.