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HEALING PROCESS

BELLA

August

I take that first sip of coffee and close my eyes, relishing the warmth and the rich flavor. It’s a comfort, and so is this place. I returned to Boston two weeks ago, and I’ve been spending as much time with my family as I can.

Staying with Aunt Millie makes that easy. I considered renting an apartment at first, but since I’ll only be here until May, signing a lease didn’t make sense.

Millie is thrilled I’m here. She barely leaves my side when I’m home. I don’t remember ever talking with her so much.

Ben, on the other hand, is struggling. His business is a mess.

Several months ago, after Hannah—my replacement—quit, he begged me to do some admin work remotely.

It helped a little, but now that I have more time to devote to it, I’ll really get things in order.

On top of the behind-the-scenes work, I’ve agreed to help him with an event next week.

But at least I’m busy, and the income will make my move to Santa Clara easier.

Jess and I met for lunch yesterday. She snapped photo after photo, and when she posted them on Instagram, I didn’t balk. I’m sure Audrey has seen them by now.

She had no idea Jess and I stayed in touch, because I asked Jess to keep it a secret. But now that I’m back, I don’t want to hide. I’m tired of living in the dark. Boston is my home too.

A new message pops up in my DMs, and the profile picture alone—a setting sun—gives me the ick.

It’s a private account, one I don’t follow back.

The person behind it reacts to my Stories and likes all my posts but has never engaged beyond that.

I’ve thought about blocking them more than once, but they never say anything mean or harmful.

If my profile were still set to private, I probably wouldn’t have accepted their follow request, but now that it’s public, I let it go.

I’m sure there are other followers out there creeping the same way.

I’ve set my mug on the coffee table, intent on getting up and moving, when the front door opens.

“Bella?” my aunt calls out from the foyer.

“In the living room.”

Aunt Millie appears, wearing a knee-length navy blue dress with short sleeves and a radiant smile. “I thought you might have already left for the gym.”

“I’m getting ready to head there now, actually.”

She settles on the couch beside me, her hands in her lap. “What time do you have to be at the stadium? I hoped we’d have time to hang out today.”

I flash her an apologetic smile. “I could push my workout by an hour, I guess, but I told Meg I’d meet her at twelve forty.”

“An hour is better than nothing.” She settles back against the cushions.

I study her for a moment. What is she up to? Yes, we’ve gotten into the routine of hanging out, but the glimmer in her eye tells me there’s something on her mind.

Ignoring the urge to needle it out of her, I survey the room. I created the design plan her contractor used when she renovated the space, and I’m proud of how it turned out. It’s cozy, decorated in light colors, with big windows and a perfect view of a nearby park. It feels like home.

Aunt Millie talks about mass, which she just returned from, and then we chat a little about Ben and Tom’s plans for their bachelor parties, about the preparations for their wedding. All the while, she continues to tiptoe around whatever is on her mind.

“I’ve been wondering…” she finally hedges, giving me a sheepish smile. “Are you ready to see your ex-boyfriends this afternoon?”

Aha, finally, the real reason she wanted to talk to me.

For a moment, I let myself really think about her question.

Am I ready to see my ex-boyfriends? Yes and no.

I don’t know how to explain this feeling.

With Jake, I closed that door and threw the key into the deepest waters.

I don’t want anything to do with him. I’d prefer he stay away from me—for good.

But Xander? That’s a very different story.

When a person loves another as deeply as I loved him, that love doesn’t just go away, even after time apart.

My feelings for him are still immensely powerful.

When I’m feeling weak, they can be overwhelming.

When even the tiniest thing reminds me of him, I lose myself in happy memories.

But sadly, I can no longer trust him with my heart.

What if there’s not enough tread on those tires to make giving him a second chance worth it?

Especially with the guilt I carry for not filing charges against Jake, which in turn forced Xander to have to deal with him last season.

From what Meg told me, it was hard for him, but it only solidified my decision to avoid him while I’m in Boston.

Though Meg’s insistence I attend today’s game may make that more difficult than I thought.

I bring my gaze back to my aunt. “Ask me again after the game.”

With a shake of her head, she smiles, but she doesn’t push for more.

The walk to the gym takes about ten minutes.

It’s enough time for me to clear my mind and collect my thoughts.

Exercise is my therapy. It’s the perfect outlet for anger or frustration, and it feels good to know I’m doing something for myself.

It’s taken a lot of work, but I no longer worry about what other people think of me.

To be at peace with my own inner critic is more important than the opinions of meaningless people.

Being myself has never been so easy, and it’s because I’m the only person I’m accountable to.

I spend an hour and a half at the gym, leaving only once my muscles are sore and tired. I’ve showered and am applying mascara when Aunt Millie knocks on my bedroom door.

She sits on the bed, watching me in the mirror. “How do you feel?”

I take a cleansing breath and search myself. How do I feel? “Like I’m ready to conquer the world.”

Head thrown back, she laughs. “I love that attitude. You definitely look like someone who’s ready to conquer the world—and also turn heads. That outfit is stunning.”

I stand, tighten my high ponytail, and twirl to show her my complete outfit: a loose white T-shirt, knotted at the side, and a jean miniskirt.

When I stop and take in my reflection, a soft blush creeps up my neck and into my cheeks—not from embarrassment, but because my heart is so full of happiness, it takes up my entire chest.

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less.

As Meg and I find our seats, we’re surrounded by excited chatter.

The energy reverberates through my body, pumping my heart, spreading tingles down my spine.

There aren’t many things more exciting than watching a football game live.

I may not have been the biggest fan of the sport, but the anticipation in the air makes the experience hard to beat.

Meg waves to the security guard as we walk past him. “Hey, Rahul.”

The guy nods and gives her a smile. He clearly recognizes her.

“You went to the gym this morning?” She nudges me. “I still don’t get why. Your body is perfect.”

“Says the most beautiful girl in the world,” I tell her. She looks gorgeous in her pastel pink dress and jean jacket.

A smile creeps onto her lips. “Thank you.”

“But it’s not about the way I look. It’s about how it makes me feel.” I shrug.

She tugs me closer and kisses my cheek. “I missed you so much. I’m so glad you’re back.”

“I missed you too,” I murmur.

We take our seats, and I survey the field.

I wait for my knee to bounce, for my hands to become clammy, for my heartbeat to skyrocket, but I’m awash in nothing but contentment and a little excitement.

With a smile, I relax into my seat and wait for the game to start.

Long hours in therapy, talking to Dr. Khan about my past, and manifesting a new life have all helped me get here, along with the determination to break my old habits.

Finally, I’m the version of myself I’ve always wanted to be.