Page 18

BITTER TRUTH

BELLA

A year and one month ago

July

One, two, three. Counting my breaths, I work to collect my thoughts. In the last thirty-six hours, everything has gone downhill. Everything. One shitty day ended, and an even worse one began.

I so badly want to find a way out of the mess my life has become.

When I fell in love with Xander, I thought I was finally free, that I’d finally overcome the demons of my past and I could simply be happy. Loved.

Never in my life have I been more wrong.

Kevin stares at me, his gaze heavy.

Behind me, Xander’s heart beats in time with mine, his chest pressed firmly to my back.

He didn’t hesitate to defend me. The thought warms my heart, but the sensation is quickly replaced by a cold dread that douses me from head to toe. What he did to Kevin’s face could have severe consequences. If Kevin presses charges…

“Somebody should’ve taught you how to mind your own business, boy,” Kevin rasps, blood dribbling down his chin. “Isabella and I were just talking.”

“Just talking?” Xander’s voice is strangled. “Are you fucking kidding me? She was trying to push you away when I opened the door.”

“Exactly. You. Opened. The. Door.” He punctuates every word through gritted teeth, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. “No one asked you to come in here. You should’ve stayed in the dining room.”

“So you could take the opportunity to force yourself on her? Again?” Xander growls.

Kevin steps forward, making me press myself closer to Xander’s chest. “Don’t talk about shit you know nothing about.”

I’m not afraid of him. I’m mortified. More than once, being around him has made me physically ill. But he doesn’t scare me anymore. I could’ve handled him myself—I’ve been doing it for several years already. I’m in control of this situation, even if it doesn’t look like it from the outside.

Kevin would do anything for me. All I need to do is ask.

I just don’t want to.

“I know everything.” Xander circles an arm around my waist, keeping me close.

The move catches Kevin’s attention, his gaze drifting to my abdomen. His nostrils flare in anger, and maybe jealousy.

“Bella told me everything,” Xander says, his breath causing the hair at my temple to flutter.

“Really?” Kevin smirks. “What did my girl say to you?” He spits blood onto the floor before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His face is like one big, swollen bruise, but by the sound of his voice, he finds this little interaction entertaining.

Shit . We need to leave. He’s going to spill all my secrets, and I’m not ready for that.

“You raped her when she was seventeen,” Xander growls, “and continued doing so until she left for college.”

My knees give out, but Xander’s hold on me is strong. It’s the only reason I don’t collapse into a heap.

Now he’ll know the truth…

Didn’t I tell him every story has two sides? Didn’t I warn him that Kevin’s version of events is very, very different from mine?

And now it’s his turn to tell his side.

“Isabella, love, tell me: Did I really rape you for months? Months ?” Kevin takes a step closer, his eyes finding mine.

He will know the truth.

It takes all I have to continue breathing, to keep from giving in to the dizziness threatening to overtake me.

“Nothing? Not a word?”

“She doesn’t need to say anything,” Xander chides. “I know enough.”

“You don’t.” Kevin shakes his head. “And you don’t want to know, because you’re afraid of the truth. My girl isn’t who you think she is.” His smug smile makes me sick to my stomach.

He will know the truth .

“I heard the truth,” Xander argues. “You took advantage of a teenage girl, a girl you should have treated like a daughter. It’s called grooming. It’s assault.”

“It’s called love!” Kevin bellows, losing his composure.

“Do you really think I could’ve raped her for months ?

” He stalks closer, the tendons in his neck straining as he leans in.

“That I could’ve had sex with her over and over for several months without her consent?

She slept with me, boy. Willingly. When Samantha went to visit her mother, we spent an entire weekend in bed.

Does that sound like rape to you? She was in love with me! ”

As Xander stiffens behind me, the remnants of my heart crumble to dust and drift away.

Now he knows Kevin’s side .

The room spins, my vision blurring. I’m back in hell, in a chamber designed just for me.

The walls are covered in my regrets, my tears, and my stupid decisions.

It’s a place I hoped to never see again.

Engulfed in a kind of shame I never wanted to feel again.

Suffocating. Desperate. Flooded with pain.

I spent years convincing myself that my truth was different. And it worked…until now.

Kevin’s words are enough to lock the door to my cell, to condemn me to a sentence that should last for eternity.

“What the hell is going on?” my mother cries.

Another wave of shame washes over me.

I’m a piece of shit. I’m no better than her. I’m maybe even worse.

“Kevin! Oh my God! What happened to your face?”

She zips into the room without looking at Xander or me. Kevin’s face is in her hands as she looks him over attentively.

“It’s nothing.” He pushes her hands away and pins me with his gaze.

“The hell it’s nothing!” Mother whirls around, her eyes burning with hatred as she points at me. “What did you do?”

Of course . She’s always so quick to think the worst of me. It’s always me, always my fault. I am the villain in her eyes, no matter what I do.

No matter how hard I tried to change her mind about me, to earn her love, I never succeeded. Each effort only made her hate me more. Until I accepted it. Until I chose to punish her for all the hurt she caused me. Until I decided to make her suffer for her wrongdoings.

She deserved it, I thought.

“I hit him. It’s not her fault.” Xander steps in front of me, but he doesn’t let me go.

“It is her fault, Alexander. It’s always her fault.” Her eyes darken, her lips twisting in disgust.

“He tried to force himself on her. How is that her fault?”

Xander…

I wish with all my heart I could be anywhere but here.

With a bitter laugh, Mother steps in front of us. “Alexander,” she says, her focus locked on me, “my daughter is a slut. She seduced my husband and carried on an affair with him for months.”

Her words are like a slap to my face. I reel back as if she actually struck me and untangle myself from Xander.

“You knew?” I ask her.

“Of course.” She shrugs. “I found your fucking panties under my bed when I got back from Montgomery. It didn’t take me long to figure out what happened.

You told me he raped you, and when I didn’t believe your bullshit, you figured you’d turn your lies into reality, didn’t you?

Then, when I was out of town, you seduced my husband.

” She lets out a sardonic laugh. “You are a fucking whore, Isabella, and you deserve every ounce of my hatred. Since the day you were born, you have brought me nothing but pain and suffering.”

The already blurry world around me goes dark, and my knees give out again. Xander hauls me to his chest, dragging me out of the room and down the stairs as Kevin and my mother argue behind us.

Over and over, Kevin says my name. It’s the only word I can make out.

Covering my ears, I let Xander steady me against the wall by the front door. He slips his shoes on before helping me into mine. Then I close my eyes.

Stay inside. Hide your secrets and your wrecked soul. Endure the agony. You deserve it. You are a curse. The only thing you have earned is pain.

Xander grasps my wrists and forces my hands from my ears. “Bella?”

I open my eyes and peer at him, unseeing.

“Did you drive here?”

I shake my head. “Uber.”

He disappears for a heartbeat, then returns with a napkin and blots my face with it.

He knows Kevin’s truth. Does he hate me now?

“Let’s get you home, okay?”

I don’t deserve him. I’ll only bring more havoc into his life.

“Bella, please, let’s go?”

“Okay,” I agree.

With a relieved sigh, he takes my hand and guides me to the car.

He buckles my seat belt then rounds the hood and slides in beside me. I keep silent. I owe him apologies, explanations—just not now. I’m not ready.

“How about you sleep?” he says as he drives away from the place where I grew up. His voice is so tender, even after everything he heard.

Tears prick at the backs of my eyes. I’m bad for him.

“I don’t want to sleep.”

“Then don’t.” He chuckles lightly.

He taps a nervous rhythm on the steering wheel with his fingers. His knuckles are bloody, but he doesn’t pay them any attention. He isn’t okay, but he’s trying to hide it.

I’m bad for him.

“Tell me about your day,” I beg him. “Please.”

“Well, I slept terribly.” He huffs a laugh. “My girl shut me out because I lied to her. I deserve it, obviously, but I would’ve slept better beside her. I missed her cuddles—I’m going to beg her for a double dose tonight, just so you know.”

“What makes you think your punishment is over?” I haven’t forgiven him for his lies, but what happened tonight makes them feel far less significant.

If he wants to be friends with Stacey, he can. I have no right to tell him otherwise. I just want honesty.

“It is over.” He stops at a traffic light and holds my gaze, determination written all over his face.

“I was a jerk to you, a total asshole. I’m sorry I hid things from you.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was going.

I’ll never do that again. Ever ,” he says, putting emphasis on that last word.

“But I have a new rule: Closed doors are prohibited in our house. Permanently.”

“You’re pretty bossy for someone who still hasn’t been forgiven,” I say.

He puts his hand on my knee and squeezes lightly. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

I nod, giving him a half smile. I owe him an apology too, for what he discovered tonight, but before I can do that, I need to explain my history with Kevin. Everything this time, not what I’ve chosen to believe. Xander has a right to know.

“How was practice?” I ask.

“Good. It was good.” He shrugs. “I’m suspended for two weeks.”

My heart lurches. “What?”

“Miller saw the pictures too. He threw a ball in my face at the end of practice, and I lashed out. Drew held me back, but Coach saw me getting physical, so he suspended me for two weeks.” He side-eyes me, then focuses on the road.

“I’m not sure what will happen if your stepf—that man files charges against me.

” Another far too casual shrug. “Might need to look for another team. I don’t know. ”

My stomach roils, bile clawing up my esophagus. Dinner was a total disaster from the start, but now, with the threat of Kevin pressing charges on top of Xander’s suspension? It’s a catastrophe.

What if he gets kicked off the team because of me? Because of my family? Fuck .

I hide my face in my hands, silently screaming. It’s one thing after another, each one worse than the last, and they’re all because of me. I’m ruining Xander’s life.

“I’m so sorry for everything. For Jake, for Kevin, for my mother. I’m so sorry.” Tears crest my lashes, but I force myself to meet his gaze.

He presses a palm to my cheek. “Don’t be. Okay?” His whisper sounds wounded. “I want to ask you something, desperately, but I don’t want to force you to talk about it.”

I take his hand in mine and tenderly thread my fingers through his, afraid to hurt him. Whatever happens next, one thing is certain: Xander is my blessing, and I am his curse. I’m not right for him. I’m nothing but a source of destruction, his personal Pandora’s box.

Audrey was right all along. No wonder she hates me.

I hate myself too.

We’re silent the rest of the way home, holding hands, listening to music. Music is like therapy. It heals wounds, glues broken parts back together, brings solace to my tormented soul. I need this little moment to open my mind, to allow my memories to find their way back to my heart.

Memories about Kevin.

When we finally get home, it’s after eleven. Xander lets me treat his knuckles and then takes Milo for a walk while I take a shower. I scrub at my skin until it’s red and raw, wishing I could wash away my mother’s hatred.

Never in my life could I imagine her saying the things she said tonight. I waited for years for her to find love for me within herself. I didn’t know how delusional I was. All this damn time .

Expecting good things from others is pointless. People are selfish. My mother and Kevin are prime examples. They don’t see their own imperfections, yet they’re happy to point out even the smallest flaws in others.

There’s no use in waiting for people like that to change their attitude. A person has to start with themselves. Change the way they see the situation. Change how it makes them feel. Once that feat is accomplished, others no longer hold any power over their emotions and feelings.

I finally know that. And now more than ever, I’m determined to set myself free.