Page 28

WHAT YOU HAVE WITH ME?

XANDER

One year ago

August

I sit on the hood of my car, staring off into the distance, my brain once again replaying scenes from my time with Bella.

The first time we met, when I talked her into designing my bathroom.

Bathroom …

I smashed the fucking mirror into smithereens the day she left. I couldn’t look at myself in it. I ruined the best thing I’d ever had because I was a selfish asshole.

I cut my hand, but I couldn’t feel the pain. I couldn’t even enjoy our win over Seattle during the last game of the preseason. All I feel is disgusted with myself for all the hurt I caused her.

I’m desperate.

Questions swirl in my head every fucking minute of every day, yet I don’t have a single answer.

How did I not see all the ways I was hurting her?

Why didn’t I notice how detached she was after Audrey’s baby shower?

I told her over and over that I love her more than anything, that she’s all I see, but my actions showed her the opposite was true.

I am the fucking villain in my girl’s story…while I desperately hoped to be her savior.

What started as a desire to make sure Stacey was alright quickly turned into a strange obsession with her well-being.

Somehow, I felt like I had to be available to her twenty-four seven.

She was bored? I’d chat with her. She wanted opinions about an outfit?

I was happy to help her decide. I thought I was processing the guilt I still felt after her suicide attempt.

I guess I thought being available to her would absolve me of my sins.

Instead, I hurt yet another person, the person who means everything to me.

Bella doesn’t answer my phone calls, doesn’t reply to my texts.

My parents are worried sick, afraid I’ll close myself off like I did after Miller’s stunt in college. Mom begged me to call my therapist, but I don’t fucking want to. She won’t tell me anything I don’t already know.

I fucked up big time, and unlike in college, I don’t have my sister in my corner.

Last time, Audrey was my rock. She was there for me night and day, helping me navigate my feelings. Now, I refuse to talk to her. Though I’m to blame for breaking Bella’s heart, Audrey’s schemes set all the bullshit in motion.

I close my eyes and focus on breathing. Tomorrow’s practice starts early, so I need to head home. But being there fucking hurts. Everything about that place reminds me of her.

I had to leave Milo with my parents because I couldn’t stand how he lay in the foyer, refusing to eat, waiting for her to come back. The first full day she was gone, he stared at the front door for hours, and I can’t deal with that.

Why didn’t Bella want to take a break? Dammit. That’s the loudest question in my head.

We could’ve worked on our relationship. I’d do anything to earn her trust again.

As I hop off the hood of my car, knowing I have to go home, my cell buzzes in my pocket. Irrational hope blooms in my chest, only to be snuffed out when Stacey’s name flashes on the screen. I silence the device and head home.

I hate it there, yet I long to return, because her scent still lingers on my sheets and pillows.

As my headlights pan over the front of the house, Stacey looks up from the porch step where she’s sitting.

My gut churns. Fuck . I told her I needed space. Maybe she needs to hear it in person.

As I approach, the solemn expression on her face slowly transforms into a smile. It’s cautious, a bit hesitant, but it’s still a smile. It only makes me scowl more.

“What are you doing here?” I stop in front of her, hands on my hips.

“Hi, Alex.” She stands and smooths a hand down the backs of her legs. “I wanted to check on you. You haven’t replied to my texts or returned my calls.”

“Because I told you I needed space.” I skirt her, making sure not to come into contact with her, and climb the stairs.

My hostility does nothing to stop her.

“Audrey called me,” she says.

My shoulders stiffen as I dig out my keys from my pocket.

“She’s worried about you.”

“She shouldn’t be. What happens in my life is of no concern to her.” I unlock the door and step inside, but then I stop and turn at the threshold.

“Can I come in?”

Jaw locked, I assess her. Her expression is subdued, maybe a little repentant. Her shoulders are hunched, her hands clasped in front of her.

“Why?”

“I figured you could use the company.” She swallows audibly, holding my gaze. “And I think we need to talk.”

Avoiding her was the right choice, but if I want to set boundaries, I need to make myself clear. I won’t make the mistake of not communicating my reasons like I did in the past.

“Fine. Five minutes. Say what you need to say.” I step aside, letting her in.

“You have a nice house.” She stops in the foyer, looking around. “Where’s your dog?”

“He’s with my parents.” I close the door and head to the kitchen.

Stacey follows, just like she did at the baby shower. I didn’t realize it until Bella pointed it out.

Fuck, I was clueless.

I’d love to drown my sorrows in a bottle, but I can’t. Football is all I have left, and I can’t fail my team.

“Do you want something to drink?” The question comes out before I can think better of it. Damn the manners my mother drilled into me.

Stacey climbs onto a stool at the breakfast bar. Without knowing it, she has taken Bella’s place.

I’m tempted to ask her to move. She doesn’t belong here.

“Tea would be great.”

“Okay.” I start a pot of coffee before I heat up water and dig out the tea bags Bella picked up a few weeks before she left. When a cup of hot black tea is perched on the bar in front of Stacey, I lean my hip against the cupboard, holding my mug in my hands, soaking in its warmth.

“What happened?” she asks softly.

I scoff. “As if Audrey didn’t tell you.”

Stacey bows her head, peering up at me from beneath her lashes. “She did, but I don’t understand why.”

“Because I was an idiot.” I take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes. Even this makes me miss Bella. The way we take our coffee was the first thing we had in common.

“Why?”

“I wanted to make Miller pay for what he did—to me, to you, to our relationship. I hoped to expose him for the true fucker he is, and I hoped Bella would help me. But when I met her, when I saw how he treated her, my priorities changed. All I wanted was for her to be free of him. I wanted to keep her safe.”

I take another sip, hoping to dislodge the lump in my throat.

“I think, subconsciously, since I failed you, I thought I could make up for it by helping her. We were friends at first, and somewhere along the way I fell in love with her, just like she fell in love with me…” I suck in a breath, my throat closing.

I look out the window, watching the sun dip below the horizon. My mind instantly drifts to Bella. Is she looking too? She loves watching sunsets and sunrises. She’d stand near the window and look out over our backyard. Can she see the sunset from her new apartment? Does it have a view?

Stacey touches my arm, bringing my attention back to her. “If the two of you were in love, why did she leave?”

“I let Audrey get away with meddling. I didn’t set boundaries until it was too late.

I failed Bella completely, and I fucking hate myself for that.

” I shut my mouth and clench my jaw, staving off tears.

I’m so tired of the tears. I never cry. But since she left, it hurts so much, I want to fucking bawl.

“What did Audrey do?”

I take another sip of coffee and set the mug on the bar. “She hired you.”

Stacey scoffs, but when she realizes I’m not kidding, she sobers.

“Audrey didn’t choose your company because she’d heard great things about it. She hired you to put a wedge between Bella and me. She thought if we reconnected, I’d break up with Bella.”

Stacey lowers her head, her cheeks going pink.

“I wondered, especially after I met Isabella’s cousin.

Ben is more experienced than I am; his company’s a bigger name than mine,” she says slowly.

“I still don’t understand her reasoning.

She wanted you to break up with Isabella so the two of us could be together?

We’re friends, sure, but that’s it. I doubt you have feelings for me at all. ”

“I don’t. I’m not interested in you.” I take a too-big gulp of my coffee. “Bella said I was cheating on her emotionally, and she was right.”

Her eyes go wide. “That’s bullshit, Alex.”

I grip the edge of the counter and zero in on her. “You and I texted every day, at all hours. I barely talked to her about what I had going on because I’d already discussed my days with you. I took her for granted. I stopped checking in with her.” I. Am. A. Fool.

Her shoulders sag. “When you put it like that, I guess it was a bit much.”

“Stace, you sent me selfies constantly, even late at night. That’s what girlfriends do with their boyfriends,” I rasp.

“But I’m to blame too. I was so caught up in how well you were doing, so thankful we could be friends after what we went through, that I lost sight of the one person who matters most. I’m full of shit, just like Miller. ”

“Hey!” She covers my hand with hers. “You’re nothing like him.”

I pull my hand away. I can’t stand the thought of touching anyone but Bella.

“I’m worse. She thought she’d finally found a person who truly loved her, and I did…

I loved her. Yet I still betrayed her.” I narrow my eyes at her.

“I broke her heart. And when I think back to everything I did, I can’t blame her for leaving. ”

“Alex.” Stacey leans in so close, her breath ghosts over my face.

I rear back, keeping my distance. Even being this close to her feels like a betrayal of my love for Bella.

“You’re a good guy, very caring and attentive. I’m beyond happy to have you as my friend. You make me feel alive. Spending time with you reminds me of those carefree college days. It feels good.”

“It felt good,” I correct her, averting my eyes. “The problem is simple. Ultimately, our friendship”—I wave my hand between us—“is what pushed her to leave. She broke her own heart and set me free because she believed I should be with you. She told me to explore what I have with you.”

“What you have with me ?” Her voice hitches, and a pink hue creeps into her cheeks as she drops her gaze to my lips.

My stomach rolls in response. Wow . She agreed when I said we were just friends. Was she just saving face? Because this reaction sure as shit makes it seem like she has feelings for me.

How the hell have I never noticed?

Over and over, every one of Bella’s concerns rears its head. Fuck .

I set my mug on the counter and tug at my hair, desperate to anchor myself. An unsettling heaviness in my chest makes breathing painful.

“I love Bella,” I say, my throat scratchy. “She’s the best thing to ever happen to me. Not even football brings me as much joy as she did.”

Stacey grimaces, her chin dropping.

“I lost her because I didn’t set boundaries with you.”

Her lashes flutter as she peers up at me. “Do you hate me?”

“No.” It’s the truth. “I hate myself for the way I made her feel. I’m the one who flushed my life down the toilet.”

Stacey blows out a long breath. “At least now I understand why you said you need space. This means our friendship is done, right?”

“It can’t stay the way it was.” I chew on the inside of my cheek. “I’m glad we reconnected, and I’m happy you’re doing so well, but our meetups need to stop. The texts and phone calls too. Maybe a check-in on occasion, but not like we did before.”

For a moment, she looks at me, her face expressionless. But then her lips tip up. “I understand, and I respect that,” she tells me. “And I have faith you can win Isabella back. If she loves you, she’ll forgive you.”

“I need to make a lot of changes before I’m worthy of her. Once I do that, I’ll let myself think about winning her back.”

As I exhale, a new thought hits me, one that makes my stomach churn.

What if she meets someone in New York? What if she finds a guy who treats her right and cherishes what he has?

“What is destined to happen will happen. If Isabella is it for you, you’ll find your way back to each other.”

“She’s right for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m right for her.” I gulp down the rest of my coffee and stand. “It’s getting late, and I have an early practice tomorrow.”

“Okay.” She pushes herself away from the bar, causing her stool to balance on two legs. Lips parted and eyes wide, she grabs for the counter, but she misses. Both Stacey and her cup fall to the floor, and the rest of her tea spills down the front of her T-shirt.

Wincing, I round the breakfast bar and pull her out of the puddle on the floor. She looks up at me, her cheeks crimson and her eyes welling with tears.

“Everything’s alright?” I ask her, taking a step back.

She snorts. “My ego is a little bruised, but that’s it.”

“You’re fine.” I head out of the kitchen, glancing over my shoulder. “Give me a second. I’ll find something for you to wear.”