Page 27

I NEED YOU TO LET ME GO

XANDER

One year ago

August

“Yeah, you could say that,” I say, focusing on the road. “It’s early, but I want to plan something for Bella for Christmas. By then, we’ll need it.”

“That place is awesome,” Stacey says, her voice loud through the speakers. “I think you’ll love it.”

Stacey and I have fallen into an easy routine: lunch once a week, texts if we have something to discuss, and the occasional phone call. It’s a pleasure having a friend like her.

“What are your plans for tonight?” I ask. “Another date?”

“Nope, Nathan is boring. I don’t like boring,” she whines.

“Sorry to hear that.” I can’t help but laugh. “I can introduce you to some guys from the team.”

“Football players aren’t my thing,” she says, her pitch a little high, like she’s cringing. “Sorry, but no. You were the only one, and that was enough.”

“Ouch.”

I’m close to our neighborhood, ready to take a quick shower and hang out with Bella.

It’s only been a few hours since I saw her, and I already miss her.

I have no idea how I’ll manage when she leaves for New York in a couple of weeks.

I’ll probably be like a lost puppy. Milo will be good company, I guess.

“I said what I said.” She dismisses me with ease.

We reconnected two months ago, and not once in that time have I felt even remotely attracted to her. Stacey is just a friend.

“Don’t take it personally,” she says. “I’m just being honest.”

“I know.”

As I pull in, I frown. There’s a car in the driveway. I don’t remember Bella mentioning Ben would be here today.

“Er, I gotta go, Stace.” I hang up, suddenly feeling uneasy. It’s just Ben, yet his presence feels like an omen.

Since Audrey’s baby shower, Bella has been quieter, more thoughtful.

She never wants to join me outside the house.

I had to beg her to go to Ryan’s birthday dinner, guilting her into it by reminding her how important it was for me to have her by my side.

She finally gave in but spent all evening with Jess, talking quietly and then clamming up the moment I joined them.

Ugh. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.

She’s nervous about the move, about school, and I can’t blame her. Once she gets settled in New York, I have faith things will even out.

Inside, I follow the sound of voices to the living room.

Bella sits on the couch, Ben and Tom in front of her, and Milo beside her with his head in her lap.

Nothing unusual, except that she’s in a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt.

The outfit isn’t out of the ordinary, but she’s the kind of person who changes into comfortable clothing the second she walks in the door.

“Hey,” I say.

Ben turns my way, his face fixed into a scowl. “Hey, Walker. We were just leaving.”

“Yeah, we were,” Tom mutters, keeping his attention on Bella.

His demeanor is enough to make my palms sweat. Tom is the easygoing one, always friendly, always smiling. Yet now his expression is shuttered. “See you in an hour?”

She nods and stands. “I’ll walk you out.”

I step aside, letting them walk out, my heart taking off at a furious speed. A wave of dread washes over me, like the one that hit me the day I met with management about the Kevin situation.

“What were they doing here?” I ask the moment the door snicks shut.

Bella takes a deep breath, her posture rigid. “We need to talk.”

“Okay.” I stuff my hands in my pockets.

She shuffles back to the living room, and I follow, sitting on the other side of Milo. Instantly, she strokes his fur.

“So?” I’m so fucking nervous, my hands are shaking.

“I’ve had some time to think, and I’ve made a decision.” Her bottom lip trembles, but she keeps her chin lifted. “We need to break up.”

My heart flops out of my chest and rolls off the couch. “What? Why?” It doesn’t make any sense… This isn’t happening. No, no, no. It’s a nightmare, not my reality.

“Sometimes, love isn’t enough,” she whispers, her eyes glassy. “It’s possible for two people to be wrong for each other, regardless of how strong their feelings are. I’m letting you go for your own good, to make your life better.”

“My life is better with you in it.” I reach for her hands, but she pulls them away. “What kind of nonsense are you talking about?”

“Your sister wouldn’t agree. She will never accept me, and she’s done everything in her power to push me out of your life.” Bella’s tears make her sapphire irises shine brighter, reminding me of the deepest parts of a lake. “I’m sure she’ll be incredibly happy to know I left.”

Jaw clenched, I rake a hand through my hair. “Audrey acts like a spoiled brat, I’m aware, but she never wanted you gone.”

“She does, and she doesn’t even try to hide it.

Haven’t you noticed how we don’t speak to one another?

I tried, I promise, but I can’t take her abuse anymore.

I refuse to be polite to someone who can’t bother to apologize for yelling at me and telling me to go fuck myself.

” A sad smile crosses her lips. “I overheard her talking to Jess at the baby shower. Audrey hates me with every fiber of her being, and she has actively worked to push me out of your life. She wants you to get back with your ex.”

“I don’t want to be with Stacey!” I snarl, my irritation getting the best of me.

“Are you sure? Because that’s not the impression you give.”

What?

“I showed you her messages, more than once,” I grit out.

“When I’m on the phone with her, I stay in the room with you so you can hear the conversation.

You know where I am at all times.” I tug at my hair.

Fuck . “And I’ve invited you to join us for lunch more than once. I don’t have anything to hide!”

“You’re right. You’ve been transparent. But she sends you messages every day.

Do you realize that? In the morning, and then again at night.

That’s overstepping. She sends selfies, photos of her new outfits.

It’s disrespectful to me, and allowing her to do it—encouraging it, even—is disrespectful too.

Since the moment she showed up at that restaurant, you turn to her every chance you get.

You text her and hang out with her. You should have set boundaries, and you didn’t. ”

“Bella, no… I love you!”

“I’ve regressed. Have you noticed? Little by little, I’ve turned back into that stupid girl I was before you.

The girl I was when I was with Jake. The one who didn’t ask questions, who let her boyfriend do whatever he wanted, regardless of how much it hurt.

I just…I saw how happy the two of you are together, how easy your interactions are.

I didn’t want to pull you into my shell since you’ve already done so much for me. ”

Though the occasional tear escapes, she’s so calm, as if…as if she’s been planning this conversation for a while. As if there’s nothing I can do to change her mind.

“Maybe you’re not involved with Stacey physically, but emotionally, you’ve been cheating on me for two months, since the moment Audrey orchestrated that meeting.

I refuse to get in the way of your happiness, so I’m setting you free so you can explore whatever you have with your…

friend.” She looks up, meeting my gaze. “Jake robbed you of your past, and now I’m giving you the chance to get it back. ”

“This is fucking bullshit. I don’t have feelings for her. I’m in love with you !” I move closer and grasp her hand. “You are all I see, even when we’re in a room full of people.”

“That’s not how I felt when Stacey showed up at that restaurant.

It’s not how I felt at the baby shower, when the two of you talked and laughed and you let her touch you over and over.

” Her chest is rising and falling rapidly.

“I tried to be okay with it. I tried to join in. But it was like I didn’t exist to either of you. I was the third wheel. It hurt.”

“Okay.” I run both hands through my hair. “Shit. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’ll do better, I promise you.”

I take her hand in mine, but it’s limp, as if she’s already let go.

“We’ve been through so much. How can you throw it all away?”

“Yes, a lot of dreadful things have happened to you because of me. That’s another good reason for me to leave. I’ve brought destruction. Wreaked havoc.” She clenches her jaw. “I’m nothing but bad news, like Audrey said.”

Anguish washes through me. Why didn’t I know about this?

“I’ll deal with her,” I say. “For every word she?—”

She cuts me off. “She hired Stacey specifically to manipulate you into leaving me. Ask Jess. She knows the truth.”

It takes me a second to pick my jaw up off the floor. “I-I will…I promise. I’ll do everything right.” I inch closer and set my palm on her cheek. “Things will get better. Remember Kevin? Your mother? Everything turned out okay, it can be?—”

“Yes, it all worked out—because I begged Kevin not to press charges.”

Blood whooshes in my ears, and my vision darkens. What the fuck? I blink, then again and again as I take my hand off her face.

She went to see that asshole? Without me?

“When…”

“When you were meeting with your team and your agent.” She shrugs. “Meg came with me.”

“Don’t tell me you forgave him,” I hiss, anger poisoning my blood and filling every bone.

“I didn’t. I’ll never forgive him for what he did.

” Head bowed, she takes a deep breath. When she meets my gaze again, there’s a determination in her eye that terrifies me.

“He promised to leave you alone, and I promised I’d never go public with what he did to me.

I didn’t want to give him the power to destroy you, so we made a deal. ”

“This is a joke! A fucking joke!” I yell, startling Milo. “I didn’t ask you to do that for me! I beat him up. The consequences are mine to suffer alone. Instead, you went to see him behind my back? Begged him not to file any charges when he’s a fucking rapist? Wow, Bella. Just…wow.”

She pulls her hand out of my grip. “If you or your agent had contacted him before I did, he would’ve filed charges immediately. I was the only one who could change his mind, and I did what was right . I didn’t want you to lose your position on the team.”

“I told you I’d handle it. I had everything under control.” The second the words echo off the walls, I regret my tone.

The look on her face darkens, and she narrows her eyes at me.

“It’s interesting how you keep telling me you could’ve handled it all yourself.

You know why?” She arches her eyebrows. “I’ve been trying so hard to stand up for myself, to deal with my problems on my own, but you refuse to let me.

I wanted to be your equal, just like Stacey is your equal, but for some reason, you like that I’m a hopeless girl who can’t do anything herself.

You don’t trust me. You have no faith in me. No respect.”

“That’s not true. I believe in you,” I counter, scooting closer so our knees are touching.

She shakes her head, sniffling.

“Bella, I love you. My overprotectiveness comes from a place of love, nothing else. I can’t handle the idea of you being hurt. I want to keep you safe, secure. That’s why I tend to take over. It’s not because I don’t have faith in you.”

“I am a burden to you. It’s a classic Karpman drama triangle.

” She chuckles lightly, wiping tears off her face.

“This relationship is dysfunctional. You see me as a victim. You’re my rescuer, and everywhere we turn, there are villains I need saving from.

I’m doing you a favor. You’ll be happier without me. ”

“You’re not listening to me!”

She runs her hand down Milo’s back one more time. Then she stands and looks down at me. “Ben and Tom already took my things.” She pulls down the hem of her tee, straightening it. “I’m leaving for New York tomorrow.” She draws a shaky breath. “Bye, Alexander.”

She beelines for the door without looking back.

My mind is a mess. Nothing makes sense. It’s like I’ve just landed in Oz, and, like the scarecrow, I have no brain.

What the fuck am I doing?

“Bella, wait!” I dart after her and catch her elbow before she reaches the door. Then I spin her around and pull her to my chest. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me, please. We can work through all of it. Let’s take a break… Give me time to fix it, please. I’ll do anything to fix it.”

Her features soften, but her eyes… Her eyes are dark and sorrowful. There is nothing left for me.

“I’m doing this for you,” she whispers, pressing her forehead to mine. “Trust me, it’s better this way.”

I brush my nose against hers. “Please, let me fix it. Take a break from our relationship. Take as much time as you need, but please don’t leave me. I love you, Bella. I love you more than anything. It’s crazy…”

“I love you too, Alex.” She closes her eyes. Tears brim on her trembling eyelashes.

“Xander. I’m Xander.” I tighten my grip around her. “I’m not Alexander; I’m not Alex. I’m your Xander, just like you’re my Bella.”

She presses her palm to her mouth, crying silent tears. “Xander…”

“Please, don’t leave me,” I beg, my own tears falling freely now.

She shakes her head. “I want you to move on. Give your relationship with Stacey a chance. Relax and live your life to the fullest without worrying about me, without being afraid something will happen to me.” She sweeps her gaze over me, her face tearstained.

“I love you, Alexander Walker, with all my heart, but I need you to let me go.”

She’s made her decision, and there’s nothing I can do to change her mind.

I’d give anything to go back in time and rethink every shitty decision I made over the last two months.

But I can’t. There’s no changing what’s already been done.

There is nothing except total darkness and the hole in my chest where my heart should be.

I press my lips to hers, kissing her hard, my head spinning as fire courses through me.

Sometimes she’s gentle like a breeze, calm and soothing.

Sometimes she’s like a monsoon, changing the atmosphere in a blink.

Sometimes she’s like a tornado, ready to destroy any obstacle in her path.

Now? She’s a damned cyclone, and I’m right in the middle of it, standing tall and letting her ruin me.

I should’ve realized things were spiraling out of control. And now it’s too late. Yeah, maybe I set boundaries with Audrey, but not soon enough. The chain of events had already been set in motion.

While I was proud of myself for that, I was blind to how damaging my friendship with Stacey was to Bella. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt her, and now she’s lost to me. It’s all my fault.

Fuck.

“I love you,” I say, the words a breathy whisper.

And then she’s gone, leaving me alone in this empty house, taking my heart with her.