Page 52

FIFTY-TWO

ELI

The grass crunches underneath my feet as I walk toward Lee, my throat swelling with all the things I want to say. And all the things I don’t.

The energy running through my nerves is so tangible I’m surprised she hasn’t felt it. It explodes from my body like fireworks, shooting through my fingertips and ricocheting off the ground.

I clear my throat as I sit beside her, ignoring the way the contents of my stomach whirl and tumble from sitting on top of Ma’s remains.

Lee’s body stiffens, but she stares straight ahead, not sparing me a glance.

Aesthetically, the cemetery is quite pleasing. But there’s grief in the air. It’s thick, and it sticks to your bones, until you feel the weight of a hundred broken souls bleeding out their sorrow.

There are pink tulips on both sides of the marble slab. They were her favorite, and my stomach tightens, wishing like hell I would have thought to pick some up on the way, like I did last time.

Stupid.

Even when she was alive, I always missed out on the things that made her smile.

Being here makes me reflect on the past, and maybe that’s part of why it’s so hard for me to come. Because when I show up, so do the memories.

“When I was about ten,” I start.

Lee jumps, finally giving me her attention.

“Ma brought me to the basketball court that’s on the side of the church…right over there.” I twist and point across the lot where you can vaguely make out faded concrete and an old, torn up net. “I couldn’t understand why she’d brought me here of all places, when we had a perfectly good hoop in our drive.” I shake my head, chuckling slightly. “Even back then this cemetery freaked me out.”

“It did?” Lee asks, her voice hoarse.

“Yeah, still does.” I nod. “It wasn’t until we were almost all the way back to the car when Ma dropped the real reason we were here. To visit MeeMee and Paw.”

Both of our grandparents passed when we were young, and Lee doesn’t remember them. I do, but barely. Just foggy smiles and stories told through Ma. She visited their graves weekly, but we rarely went with.

“I remember looking at each headstone as we passed, gripping my basketball tight while I imagined who each person was. The life they lived…” I swallow. “Whether they had a chance to grow into everything people expected or if they died a disappointment.”

“Dang, Eli. That’s depressin’.”

I shrug. “Doesn’t mean it’s not true. That’s always been my biggest fear, you know?”

Lee faces me fully now, her head cocking. “What was? Dyin’ a disappointment?”

“Just being one in general, I guess. Life was different for you growing up, Lee. Pops was different with you.”

She scoffs. “Don’t gimme that, Eli. I had the same childhood you did. We grew up in the same dang house.”

Irritation cuts at old wounds. Lee never looks at things from my point of view. She never wants to. “I’m not surprised you think that.”

“Was there a point to your morbid story?”

My defenses bristle, scaling along my skin like armor, bitterness that, instead of asking why it was different, she brushes me off. Again. Like she always has. But I let it go because it isn’t what’s important, and despite her not realizing the ways she’s wronged me over the years, I do realize the ways I’ve wronged her . And I’d like to try and rectify that.

“ Anyway , we get to Paw’s grave and after a few minutes, I ask Ma how he passed. I knew MeeMee had cancer, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember how he died.”

“Huh,” Lee murmurs. “I can’t remember either.”

I glance at the headstones across the way—where both my grandparents rest—the memory playing like a movie while the words slide off my tongue.

“Ma, how did Paw die?”

Ma’s hand smooths over my hair, pushing it off my forehead. Her touch sends a blanket of comfort cascading through me, and I smile as she looks down at me.

“He died of a broken heart, baby.”

My face scrunches. “A broken heart? I ain’t know you could die from that.”

“Well, now ya do.” She winks before her lips tug down in the corners. “Sometimes, when you lose the other half of your soul, you lose the will to live with it.”

My brows draw in, trying to make sense of her words. I didn’t know your soul was something you could lose. I wonder what it feels like. “That’s sad.”

The hand that was on my head trails down my arm, squeezing my fingers. “No, baby. Not sad. Your paw was one of the lucky ones. Instead of havin’ to exist with half his heart, the Lord took mercy on his soul and let him live in Heaven.”

“With MeeMee.”

She grins. “That’s right, sugar. With MeeMee.”

I think about that for a moment, confusion twisting up my insides. “But what if he wasn’t done?”

Her head tilts, eyes squinting against the sun. “What d’ya mean, baby?”

“With livin’.”

Ma squats down beside me, her hands framing my face. “Now you listen close. Just because he’s dead, doesn’t mean he’s gone.”

“Then how come we can’t see him?”

“Because he’s an angel now, baby. Him and MeeMee. They shine too bright for our eyes to see.”

“Oh.”

“But you can feel them,” she says.

“You can?”

Ma nods, pressing her hand to the center of my chest. “They’re right here. Always.”

“How d’ya know?” I whisper.

“Because that’s where we keep all the people we love.” She taps her fingers against me. “In our hearts, so we can feel them with every beat.”

She stands up, wiping a stray tear from the side of her face.

My chest pulls tight. I don’t like it when Ma cries. It makes me want to do something to take away the sadness, but I don’t know how.

“Hey, Ma. I’m gonna win the game on Friday. Just for you.” I grin big and wide, expecting to see her frown disappear just like Pops’s would, to see her eyes spark with expectation and distract her from her tears.

But she just smiles softly, interlocking our fingers as we walk back to the car.

“I’m sure you will, baby. But I’m proud of you either way.”

“Paw died of a broken heart?” Lee asks.

I nod, my heart squeezing so tight I can barely get the words out. “So the story goes.”

She looks down, picking at the blades of grass. “You think that’s why Daddy is the way he is? ’Cause he’s livin’ with half his heart and God didn’t show him mercy?”

My elbows rest on my knees, emotion rising into my throat and burning behind my nose. “I don’t pretend to know the first thing about God, Sis. But yeah.” I blow out a breath. “I think when Ma ended up here in this grave, Pops stayed behind with her.” I pause, looking over at her. “I’m sorry I never listened.”

She sucks in a breath.

“I don’t know that it woulda made a difference if I had, but…”

“Do you remember Lily?” she asks suddenly.

My forehead creases, the abrupt shift in our conversation throwing me off-kilter. “Of course I do. Chase’s sister and your other sidekick.”

“Yeah, the one you didn’t go and fall in love with behind my back.” She smirks.

“Lee, I?—”

“It’s okay, Eli.” She waves me off. “My issue is with Becca lyin’ to me, not with y’all two together. I mean…I think you’re an absolute jerk for doin’ Sarah dirty but that’s between you, her, and the Almighty.”

“But I’m not?—”

“Lily overdosed, did you know that?”

The words die on my lips, because no, I didn’t know that. It’s just another reminder of how much I missed while I was trying like hell to stay away.

“No,” I whisper.

Lee nods. “Yep. She was lost for a long time…probably longer than any of us realized. And by the time anyone did, it was too late.” She shakes her head. “But I knew, Eli. I knew and I…” She closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I didn’t speak up. I didn’t try to help when there was still somethin’ tangible to grab on to. And I can’t help but feel like I did the same thing with Daddy.”

A sob breaks free and both her hands come up to cover her mouth, her knees curling into her stomach as she rocks back and forth.

I’m frozen. I have absolutely zero clue how to make this better, and just like when I was ten years old and watching Ma cry, I don’t know how to take away Lee’s sadness. I only know that I want to.

Pulling her into my arms, I cradle her as she cries against my chest, her tears soaking through my shirt and seeping into my skin.

I hold her for who knows how long, absorbing her pain from the years I was gone, yearning for the right thing to say. But I don’t have a clue what it is.

So instead of filling the air with worthless words, I sit at the foot of Ma’s grave and rock my grieving sister, wishing I could bring back Lily and cure Pops myself, just to take away her pain.