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FIFTY-ONE

ELI

I’ve lived most of my life striving for the spotlight and thinking it’s what I needed to feel complete. Believing that one day, when I finally reached the top, the hole that drilled its way through my insides would close up and start to heal. That I’d finally get Pops’s approval and he’d know all his energy hadn’t been wasted on me over the years.

But living for other people’s dreams is a bottomless pit. An emptiness that festers and rots in the deepest parts of you while your soul cripples from neglect.

It wasn’t until I started coaching that I realized my true calling in life is to stand on the sidelines and help others shine. That maybe my career-ending injury happened, not because of bad fortune, but because I needed a push in the right direction.

My chest twinges when I think about my players at FCU. All the time and energy I’ve devoted to helping them achieve their greatness. I’ll miss it there. Giving up the years of work I’ve put in to become the next head coach smarts at my insides, and it’s hard to not pick up the phone and plead with them to take me back.

But then I think about my family. About building a relationship with Lee. Supporting Pops through his repressed grief and addiction. I imagine what it will feel like to help foster love of the game for kids who are just beginning to recognize their potential. And when I do that, an excited, nervous energy fills up my bones and settles in deep because I just know this is where I’m supposed to be.

Saying yes to Mr. Daniels just now may have been a rash decision, but it was the right one.

My eyes trail to Becca, and my heart palpitates, making my breath quicken.

The path I’m on now seems so clear, yet she’s still the one thing that confuses the hell out of me. I spend hours of my day convincing myself I’ve moved on. That all I need is closure. But then I see her and all of it goes to shit. My precious control that’s been fine-tuned over the years thrown to the wayside after less than twenty seconds in her presence.

I’m not sure if soul mates exist, but if they do, I’m sure she’s mine. Not that it matters.

Becca has always been a raging inferno, and I’ve always been the moth to her flame. But where my soul used to call out for hers, now it cowers in fear, knowing she has the power to turn me to ash.

There’s not much left from when she burned me the first time.

So I’m stuck in this limbo. One where I can’t be with her but I can’t be without her, and I don’t really know what to do with that. And I damn sure don’t know how to control myself when she’s around.

Mr. Daniels’s phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. Becca’s cheeks are stained the most beautiful shade of pink. One I know for a fact goes all the way past her chest. My cock twitches, flaring back to life, and I try to think of something, anything to keep the pathetic, lovesick fool inside me under control.

“Sorry, y’all. I’ve gotta take this,” Mr. Daniels says. “Elliot, why don’t you stop by here tomorrow afternoon and we can work out some more details.”

“Sounds good to me.”

He shakes his head, lip curling up on one side. “Whew, boy. I must have an angel lookin’ out for me with the way you waltzed in here right when I needed ya.” He glances at his phone one more time and answers, nodding at Becca as he leaves.

There’s a tap, tap, tap against the court floor from the toe of Becca’s heeled foot. Her arms are crossed and she’s watching me.

Analyzing me.

“What?” My brow arches.

Her eyes narrow slightly. “I ain’t sure yet.”

“You aren’t sure yet? About what?”

“I just told you, I ain’t sure.”

Annoyance pricks my chest. Christ, she’s difficult. “Well, when you figure it out, be sure to let me know.”

“What are we doin’?” she spouts.

My stomach twists. “What do you mean?”

She sighs, tugging on a curl. “Are we… Ya know… You keep askin’ me questions and then you go and fuck me stupid and I just don’t know what that means.”

I cross my arms. “Well, Rebecca, I’m pretty sure it means I want to fuck you and I want some damn answers. I think it’s the least you can give me on both accounts.”

Her eyes flare and it sparks a match low in my gut.

She scoffs. “It’s not like you’ve been givin’ me a chance to talk with the way you accost me after every question.”

I take a step forward, that goddamn mouth of hers making my blood heat and my cock hard. “If the cum on your thighs and the smell of your pussy on my fingers is any indication, you liked the way I accosted you just fine.”

“I never said I didn’t.” She smirks.

“So what’s the problem?”

She shrugs. “You said I was yours. That I belonged to you.”

My heart speeds up. She is mine, but I shouldn’t want her to be. “I say a lot of things in the heat of the moment.”

Her eyes dim and her body sways slightly, like my words are a physical blow to the chest. I resist the urge to grimace at their impact. Anger flickers through my veins at the fact she’s making me feel guilty. “No, you don’t get to do that.”

Her eyes widen. “Do what?”

“Act like I’m hurting you. That’s not how this works.”

Her shoulders stiffen, her jaw locking in place.

My chest tightens with expectation. I expect to see what I’ve always seen—that wall of defense she builds up, one barb at a time until no one can break through to see the truth.

But it never comes.

Instead, she nods, biting on her lip. “Okay. I get that.”

“Do you?” The surprise flowing through me shows itself in my question.

“Yeah, I do. But I’m entitled to my feelin’s too, Big Head.” Her hand presses against her chest. “I told you I loved you, then you try and dick me down every time we talk…and now you’re actin’ like it’s no big deal.” She waves her hand between us. “It’s confusin’. You’re like one big walkin’ contradiction.”

“Look.” I sigh, dropping my head. “Clearly I can’t control myself around you. I think that’s been obvious for a while.” I glance at her, our eyes locking. “But it has to stop. I can’t…I can’t do this with you, okay? I wish I could. Fuck, I wish more than anything that I had something capable of loving you again, but it’s not there.” I smack my chest. “You broke it, and it’s been useless ever since.”

She flinches and my heart jumps into my throat, trying to stifle my speech.

But I won’t let my heart control my head.

Not again.

Her lower lip trembles and she closes her eyes, blowing out a breath. “I’m not askin’ for anything.”

Her words pack a punch, and I clench my fists to keep from taking her in my arms and telling her I didn’t mean it. That the charred pieces of my heart still beat for her. That we can try to make it work. That I’ll try to forgive and forget.

But I already know what will happen if I do. I’ll lay down in her waves as they break on the shore and drown in her undertow.

“I get that I hurt you and I’m so, so damn sorry for that,” she continues. “But we’re about to be workin’ at the same place. And now that I know what’s goin’ on with your old man, there’s not a chance in hell I’m leavin’ Lee to deal with you and him alone.”

My stomach turns at the reminder of Pops.

“We’re gonna be in each other’s orbit, Eli. There’s no way around it. So I just want you to know that I’m gonna try.”

“Try what?”

“To be the woman you deserve.” She smiles and turns, walking away without another word.

My heart beats out of my chest, trying to follow.

* * *

“What the hell do you mean you’re staying there?”

Connor’s voice is incredulous and I roll my eyes, sipping my water while I lie back on my bed.

“Look, man. Pops is messed up. I gotta stay here and make sure my family is taken care of.”

Connor scoffs. “You’ve never given a shit before.”

Irritation slams into me. Maybe because it’s the truth, or maybe because it isn’t his fucking place to voice it even if it is. “Yeah, well I’m givin’ a shit now.”

“Is that why you broke it off with Sarah? Because of your family?”

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. “No, man. I broke it off with Sarah because we weren’t right for each other. We were just dragging each other down, and that’s not something I want to do anymore.”

“Mmhm.” He pauses. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Really?” My hand drops to my side.

“Yeah. I wish you would have talked to me about it. Everything with Sarah, I mean. I’m here for you, ya know?”

Guilt slinks up through my stomach and into my chest. I’ve been a shit friend. Since coming back to Sugarlake, I haven’t even thought about Connor, let alone given him a call.

“Sucks you won’t be around, though,” he says. “What am I supposed to do without my wingman?”

I smirk. “Maybe you can take Annie.”

He laughs. “Ah, hell. You were a shit one the past few years anyway. You weren’t supposed to let me get married to my Monday chick.”

I chuckle. “You know damn well Annie had you by the balls before I ever walked in the room.”

“Yeah.” The line grows silent. “I’ll miss you, man. Won’t be the same down here without you.”

My throat swells and I sit up, grabbing my water bottle to wash down the knot. I’ll miss him, too. He’s been the closest thing to a brother I’ve ever had, and part of me worries that the distance will lessen the bond.

We talk for a few more minutes, catching up on things I’ve missed, until Annie calls him away for dinner.

I grab takeout for myself and plan to call it an early night when the urge to visit Ma hits me out of nowhere. Normally, the thought of going to her grave has nausea rolling through my gut, but after talking to Connor, I feel anxious, and for some reason I feel like talking to Ma is what I need to calm the nerves.

Still, when I make it to the cemetery, my legs are dead weight. Sickness swirls in my stomach and an ache cracks open my chest at the thought of being near the dead, rotted corpse that used to be my ma.

I force my heavy limbs to move, one step at a time. I physically count them as I walk to her marker.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

I’m at fifty-seven when I finally look up. A halo of honey hair, so similar to my own, is bowed in front of Ma’s marble slab.

My heart kicks my chest, bruising me from the inside out.

Lee.