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THIRTY

ELI

It’s the glare of the sun that wakes me. It beams through the curtains, and my eyes squeeze tight against the shine. I roll to my side, arms reaching to pull Becca in. Only…I grasp a ghost, my fingers meeting Egyptian cotton instead of her supple skin.

My eyes crack open, forehead scrunching as I get my bearings. I look around but don’t see Becca in the room.

Maybe she’s already up?

I stretch before getting out of bed, then throw on a pair of boxer briefs and stumble to the bathroom. It’s empty. Grabbing my phone, I head downstairs, the flipping of my stomach urging my feet to move fast.

“Becca?” Her name echoes off the walls I still haven’t filled, and a prickle creeps up my spine.

I reach the kitchen.

Empty.

Dropping onto a barstool, I light up my phone screen. No missed calls. No messages.

I dial her number, not bothering to bring the phone to my ear—straining to hear it ring somewhere in the house. My insides cramp when there’s nothing but silence. I hang up and try again. Straight to voicemail this time.

Something’s off.

Becca’s missing, and the air feels different. Like it’s been shocked into silence from the loss of her soul.

I set down my phone only to pick it up again as I stand. My movement is stilted. It’s hard trying to maneuver around the lead weight that’s dropped in my stomach.

Because I already feel it in my gut.

She’s gone.

The burn in my chest rolls through my system, bursting through my limbs. I throw my phone, watching it ricochet off the marble countertop and land on the floor. My fingers rip through my disheveled strands, and I puff out a breath, trying to calm my racing heart.

“This is ridiculous,” I mumble, bending to pick up the broken screen.

I shouldn’t have told her I loved her, but I didn’t realize she wouldn’t love me back.

The thought barrels into my stomach and up my throat, expanding until I have to swallow against the pain.

The words she didn’t say slammed into my chest like a fist, my heart fracturing from her silence. I let the quiet linger because I didn’t want to push. Left the bed and gave her space so I wouldn’t break apart at her feet. So I wouldn’t beg her to just say the goddamn words and keep me glued together.

But to wake up and find her gone?

Fuck. That.

She doesn’t get to run from this. From me.

I hop off the barstool, my heart pumping determination through my veins, the adrenaline more potent than a hundred cups of coffee. Stumbling to my room, I rip open my dresser, throwing on the first thing I can find.

Then I’m out the door, on a mission.

My heart thunks against my sternum on the way to her apartment, my fingers tapping out a jittery rhythm on the wheel.

Why would she leave?

Slamming my car into park, I hop out, tripping over my shoes to get to her front door. Desperate in my need to see her. For her to soothe away this ache .

No one answers when I knock, and I bounce on the balls of my feet. Every second adds another brick to the layer of my anxiety.

As the door swings open, something loosens in my chest, a smile teasing the corner of my mouth. She’s here. Only, the relief doesn’t last because it isn’t Becca’s beautiful face peeking at me. It’s Sabrina.

Her eyes narrow and I realize how awkward it is for me to be here. No one knows about us, after all.

“Hey.” My voice comes out gruff. I rock back on my heels, attempting to soften my tone. “Sabrina, right?”

Her brows draw together. “Yeah. Coach Carson, right? What are you doing here?”

I clear my throat. “I’m here to talk to Rebecca. Is she home?”

Her brows pull in farther. “Becca? No. I haven’t seen her since yesterday at graduation, and I barely saw her then.”

My heart stutters, the sickness of my thoughts infecting every beat. “Okay. Well, if you see her, let her know I stopped by, would you?”

Sabrina’s hand slides against the doorframe as she cocks her head. “Why do you need to see her anyway?”

Irritation flares in my chest. “That’s not really your business.”

She purses her lips. “I think it is. She’s my friend, and I’m not sure I should tell her you were here unless I know your intentions.”

I chuckle, my teeth gritting at this girl’s audacity. “My intention is to find Becca and keep her away from people like you—ones who parade around like her friend while holding a knife to her back. One her father provides.”

Her eyes grow wide, her face draining of color.

“Bee, who’s at the door?”

I peer around her, hearing Jeremy’s voice. He comes to the door, standing next to Sabrina. “Coach.” He tips his chin. “Nice to see you. You looking for Becca?”

I nod, suddenly unable to say the words.

Where is she?

He rubs Sabrina’s shoulder, whispering in her ear. She gives a curt nod, and he walks out, closing the door. Jerking his head to follow, he walks around the corner of the building, leaning against the brick wall, one leg perched behind him.

My chest pulls tight and my fists clench at the show he’s putting on. Like I have time to take a leisurely stroll. Like every second we spend walking isn’t a second further away from wherever she is.

“She’s gone.” His voice is as flat as the look on his face.

The words form an arrow straight through my heart, damaging the already cracked pieces.

“What do you mean ‘she’s gone’?” I hiss, jealousy licking at my veins.

Of course he already knows.

“She left me a voicemail this morning.” He rubs a hand over his mouth, blowing out a breath. “She asked me not to tell you anything, but she’s chock-full of shit ideas, so screw what she wants right now.”

He pulls out his phone, pressing a few buttons. Becca’s voice floats to my ears, my soul tearing through the wounds in my chest to reach her.

“Hi, Jer.” Her voice is choked—soft, like she’s holding back a sob.

My nostrils flare at the sound.

“I’m leavin’, Jer. I…” She sniffles. “I can’t stay here. Goin’ back with my folks. I know it won’t make much sense to you, and honestly, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either, but it’s just what needs to happen. I need to…to ge-g—” Her voice breaks.

My hand comes up to rub my chest, trying to ease the pressure that’s building with every word.

“I need to get away fr-from everything here. I hope you understand. I’ll miss you so much, Jer. I love you, you know?”

My stomach heaves at her words, my head growing dizzy.

What about me?

“You were right. Everything you said.” She sighs. “You know, about that guy you love? Don’t…don’t settle for a man who won’t tell the world you’re his, Jer. Everyone deserves to b-be loved by someone who ain’t afraid of what it means.” She sucks in a stuttered breath.

My stomach flips and my eyes snap to Jeremy’s. The implication of her words are heavy in his stance. His face is wet, glistening from tear tracks that line his face, but he holds my gaze, his jaw tense and posture straight.

Jeremy’s gay.

I should feel relief, but with her gone, I find I don’t care.

“I love you, Jer. I’ll try to keep in touch. And don’t…don’t tell Eli, okay? I don’t want him to know.”

A piece of my crumpled heart breaks, the jagged edge splitting my insides as it falls.

Jeremy doesn’t speak, just slips his phone back into his pocket.

“She’s gone.”

The words surprise me as I say them. Who knew a corpse could speak?

Jeremy nods, wiping his cheeks. “You gonna go after her?”

I laugh, the sound empty, shaking my head as I stare at the ground. I consider his words. I could track her ass down. Fuck an apology out of her, and force her to admit she feels this. Feels us.

But the thought of going back to Sugarlake chokes me until I’m gasping for air.

“I can’t,” I whisper.

Jeremy sighs. “Probably for the best. She’s not ready for you, Coach. I hate to say it…but it’s the truth. Maybe one day, she will be.”

His words pierce the space between us, slicing my chest and wrangling the mangled flesh left behind.

She was ready. I felt it in every touch. Saw it in every look.

She just didn’t care enough to stay.

I don’t drive home when I leave. The thought of walking into a place that still reeks of her betrayal makes my stomach roil with nausea. So I drive to Waycor Arena instead.

Walking onto the empty court, my heart spasms, pinching so tight my knees give out. Every inch of this place is soaked in a memory. I touch my face, then stare at my hand, my fingers glistening from my tears.

I’m not sure what I expected. Maybe a sense of relief? The court is the only place where I’ve ever felt at peace.

But now there’s just this burn barreling through my veins, turning everything to ash.

Fuck her for ruining the one thing I had left.

And fuck her for leaving. Doesn’t she know she’s taking a piece of me with her? Doesn’t she care that she’s ruining my fucking soul?

Black rage surges through my gut, blasting a hole in my chest and mixing into my bloodstream.

I glance down at my watch. Five minutes. That’s what I’ll give myself. Just five minutes. And then…I’ll lock it up tight in the corner of my mind where it belongs.

With everything else.