Page 48

FORTY-EIGHT

BECCA

It’s seven a.m. when a faint knocking wakes me. My eyes slowly open, my core throbbing from the sensation of Eli’s tongue in my pussy and his fingers wrapped around my throat.

Too bad it was only a dream.

I groan, running my hands over my face, wondering who the hell is here this early in the morning. My thighs are still slick from arousal as I open the front door.

“I’m not leaving,” Jax states immediately.

I blink, caught off guard from his tone and still hazy from sleep.

“Huh?” I yawn. “What d’ya mean, you’re not leavin’ ?”

It’s not necessarily a game changer for me either way. My ticket is bought, my suitcase is packed, and I can always call up Jeremy and stay with him if Jax is really changing his plans.

He pushes by me, his hand running through his wavy strands as he heads to my kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets and starting a pot of coffee.

My eyes track his movements and I cross my arms. “No, please. Make yourself at home.”

He spins toward me, his back resting against the countertop. “You’re gonna want coffee for what I’m about to tell you, Becs.”

My lips turn down. Jax is not known for his broodiness, so the fact it’s radiating off him in waves has unease prickling along my spine. “What happened?”

His jaw tics, his palms gripping the edge of the counter. “Let me ask you something.” His eyes narrow. “Did you know about Lee’s dad?”

My forehead creases. “You’re gonna need to be more specific. What about him?”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Dammit, sweetheart ,” he mutters.

A fist grips my stomach, squeezing. “What is it, Jax? Is he… Is everything okay?”

“No. Things are far from okay with him.” He fills two mugs and my eyes zone in on the steam as it spirals from the cups and disappears into the air.

“Where were you last night, anyway?” Jax asks.

The memory of Eli inside me makes my core spasm, sending a rush of blood to my cheeks. I walk over, grabbing the coffee cup and using it to hide my flush. “Don’t change the subject, asshole. What’s wrong with Lee’s old man?”

“He’s not good, Becs. Lost his shit last night at the party and reeked of whiskey.”

I shrug. “Find me a person in this town who ain’t drinkin’.”

His brows pull down. “Not like this, they aren’t. I’m telling you, Becs. He’s got a problem, and Lee’s been dealing with it on her own for who knows how fucking long.”

My brain races, confusion pulling my skin tight. “No, I… Lee wouldn’t keep somethin’ like that from me. Besides, that’s not really somethin’ you can hide.”

As soon as I say the words, I know they’re bullshit. I think of Momma and how she’s the picture-perfect wife always sipping on her “water.” I think of all the times Lee couldn’t have me over, all the reasons why they missed Sunday service. I think of all the things that I kept from her .

To believe she doesn’t have her own secrets is naive.

My hand covers my mouth, my heart sinking in my chest. “Oh God. Are you sure?”

He huffs a laugh. “Pretty fucking sure, Becs. He was a wreck last night. And if you could have seen Lee’s face…” He pauses, running his fingers through his hair.

My stomach cramps at the thought of her holding this on her own. “How could I not know?”

Jax sighs. “I didn’t know, either. You know how Lee gets, always keeping everything close to the chest. Avoiding confrontation.”

“Yeah,” I breathe. “So, you’re…stayin’? Just like that?” I snap my fingers.

He takes a sip of coffee. “How can I leave now, knowing what she’s going through?”

“Don’t you need to go back on set?”

He cringes. “Yeah, well…they’ll just have to deal with it. They can fire me if they have to. It is what it is.”

I gasp. “Jax, this is your dream. Lee would never forgive herself if you gave up on it because of her and you know it.”

“I don’t want to leave her alone.” His eyes glisten and it hits me that he loves her enough to suffer, if it means he can support her when she needs it most.

“How do you do it?”

Jax’s brows furrow. “Do what?”

“See them together and still be able to love her so selflessly?”

He shrugs but I see the anguish in his eyes. “I just want her to be happy.”

His words hit me hard, slugging my sternum and stealing my breath. I’ve always wanted Eli to be happy, but part of the reason I’m running so far and so fast is so I don’t have to stick around and watch him pledge his love to someone else.

I sigh, resting my chin in my hand. “You’re the best kinda man, Jackson Rhoades. You make the rest of ’em look bad.”

He smiles softly, palming the back of his neck. “I hate when you use my full name like that.”

I hum, taking a gulp of coffee and peering at him from over the rim. “Listen, you can’t just not go back. Lee wouldn’t want you to lose what you’ve worked so hard for.”

The muscles in his jaw tense. “I won’t leave her alone.”

“She has Chase,” I point out.

“And you trust him to stick around?”

Not really.

I blow out a breath, my stomach rolling. I glance at my packed suitcase, ready and waiting by the door, so close to the freedom I’ve always craved.

I guess it’ll have to remain a dream for another day.

“I’ll stay.”

* * *

My plan was to show up to Sunday service, look my folks in the eyes, and tell them I was gone for good. Done with being their puppet. Finally.

Instead, I’m standing outside Lee’s apartment.

She doesn’t answer right away, but just before I turn to leave, the door cracks open and those baby blues peek out. They turn frigid when they meet mine, but still, she opens the door wider and cocks her hip against the frame.

My heart is heavy as I look at her. We’ve never fought before, not in our twenty-six years.

“Hey, sister.” I force a small smile.

Her brow hikes. I wait for her to speak, but she doesn’t—she just crosses her arms and stares me down.

I shuffle on my feet. “Can I come in or you gonna keep me out here all day, lookin’ like an ass?”

The corner of her mouth twitches. “Well, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck…”

I smile, a warm sensation teasing my chest, giving me hope that things aren’t as broken as they seem. “Can’t argue with you there.”

She tilts her head, her eyes analyzing me from head to toe. “Well, come on in, then.”

The couch creaks as we sit next to one another, and I fidget in place. My heart palpitates against my breastbone, fingers twirling my curls.

She slaps her thighs. “Well?”

I sigh, dropping my hands. “I don’t know what to say. I’m scared I’ll just make it worse.”

She scoffs. “Can’t get much worse than what I saw last night.”

I suck on my teeth, nodding.

Her lips purse. “I just wanna know why you never told me, Becca. I asked you. In a thousand different ways.”

I blow out a breath, my heart clenching tight.

Emotion sticks to my throat, but I push the words through the clog. “You’re gonna hate me more than you already do.”

“I don’t hate you, Becca. I’m hurt by you. There’s a difference.”

Pushing down the fear of losing her, I search for a sliver of courage to say what I need to say. What she deserves to hear. “I worked with the basketball team when I was at FCU.”

Lee’s face scrunches. “You did? I didn’t know that.”

The root of my self-deprecation grows branches, rising through my stomach and into my chest. “I never told you.”

She nods slowly, her nostrils flaring.

“At first, I didn’t tell you ’cause if I did…I’d have to admit that I didn’t hate your brother as much as I should, and that felt disloyal. And then, before I could take a breath, it was this gigantic, malleable thing that wrapped around me, makin’ me lose sight of everything but him.”

“Becca,” Lee breathes. “You could have told me anything. Don’t you know me at all? When have I ever made you think I’d judge you for that?”

I rub my hands on my thighs, the friction of my jeans against my palms almost enough to distract me from the nerves. “I was scared, okay? I remember what it was like with Lily when she found out about you and Chase. The thought of losin’ you—” My voice cracks, tears warming my cheeks as they drip off my chin. “I knew it was wrong to keep it from you. It was on the tip of my tongue every time we talked. But how could I, Lee? How could I tell you that I was gettin’ all his hours when you were beggin’ for a minute?”

Lee bites her lip, her eyes glossing over.

“What you saw last night was a mistake. It wasn’t…” My breath stutters and I shake my head. “No, it was what it looked like, and I hate myself for it, Lee. Can’t stand the feel of bein’ in my own skin after doin’ what I did.”

“You mean bein’ with Eli?” Lee asks.

“Not for being with Eli. Maybe I should feel some type of way about that, but I don’t.” A sour sensation pangs in my gut, reverberating off my bones and making them ache. “But for bein’ with Eli when he’s supposed to be with someone else. Eli isn’t mine to have, and instead of respectin’ that, I ended up becomin’ the thing I hate most—my father.”

Lee’s face drops and she’s quiet, chewing on her bottom lip. She’s the only person I’ve ever told about how I walked in on Papa. How it dug deep inside me and latched on to the essence of my soul, suffusing it with betrayal.

She opens her mouth and closes it a few times. “You hurt me. Eli did too, but you… you are my person. I’m supposed to be able to trust you with anything and I thought you were the same way with me. But I…” She blows out a breath. “Do you love him?”

My heart clatters against my ribs, my stomach flipping at the question. “Yeah, Lee. I love him. I don’t remember what it feels like not to love him.”

Lee’s eyes soften. “He’s the reason you came back, ain’t he?”

I nod, unable to speak around the sudden lump in my throat.

“Did he do somethin’?”

“No, I—I did.”

Her breath whooshes out and she reaches over, tangling her fingers with mine. Her touch breaks the dam on my tears and they pour down my face, warming my cheeks and dripping of my chin.

“You’ve gotta tell me, Becca. The whole truth this time. No secrets, okay?”

I pause, debating what to actually tell her. It’s been years of this huge thing that I’ve been keeping close to my chest, and to let go of that, even though I know it’s the right thing to do, is scary.

But I take a deep breath and I do it anyway.

I tell her all of it. How we quite literally ran into each other. How we fell when neither of us were watching our steps.

And after it’s all out in the open air, I feel lighter. Freer, maybe.

“Ar—are you gonna forgive me?” I hiccup.

She cocks her head. “Do you think you can forgive yourself?”

Her question slams into my stomach.

Forgiveness.

I’ve heard Papa preach it a thousand times, and I’ve felt the weight of its absence as it crushes down on my soul, but I’m not sure I truly know what it means. “I don’t think I know how to forgive.”

Lee squeezes my hand. “I think before you worry about others, you should figure out yourself.”

“Is that what you’ve done with your old man?”

Her eyes widen, her hand snapping back. “I shoulda known Jax would run and tell you.” She breathes deep. “Daddy is a work in progress for me. There’s a lot to forgive.” She glances at her lap. “But I’ve learned—very recently—that it’s not about him…not really. It’s about lettin’ go of the hurt and the anger for me . So that I can find peace.” She pauses, the palm of her hand rubbing against her chest.

“‘Forgiveness is divine, Alina May.’ That’s what Mama always told me.” Her eyes lock on mine. “Maybe you should try to find your faith.”