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FORTY-FIVE

BECCA

My heart hasn’t beat since Eli snapped his head up, leaving space for me to lock eyes with my best friend.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, holy crap. I’m sorry.” Lee’s voice floats through the air, her hands covering her face. “I’m not leavin’ this room, so y’all do what you need to do and get decent quick. Let me know when it’s safe to uncover my eyes. Oh my God .”

Eli’s still inside me, his body pressed to mine so close I feel his heart beating against my chest. His hand comes up to touch my face, his mouth parting as if he’s about to speak. But he doesn’t. Instead, he just stares, his piercing blue gaze chipping away at what’s left of my sanity.

I can’t think with him looking at me like that.

I turn my head away, my eyes landing on Lee’s back. Reason slices through the fog of my brain, banging against my skull.

What did I just do?

Eli slips out of me, his hands moving to my hips, and I tense under the heat of his touch. His eyes are wide and cautious, cataloging every inch of my face, his jaw clenching.

I should move. I should be grappling to push him off me so I can try to salvage this completely screwed-up situation, but I’m too busy being torn in two over my actions and it makes my movements sluggish. Half of me is desperate to keep Eli here, worried that once his weight isn’t pressed against me, I’ll unravel completely. The other part is disgusted at how easily I let go of my morals.

Less than fifteen minutes.

That’s all it took to throw everything I thought I knew about myself out the window.

Eli lowers my skirt and straightens my top with one hand, the palm of his other caressing my hair, smoothing down the flyaways. He’s touching me like I’m the finest jewel from the rarest treasure. Like now that he has me in his hands, he’s afraid of having me stolen away.

I swallow around the sudden dryness of my throat, my eyes stuck on his, wanting to prolong the moment even though I shouldn’t. Even though his sister is standing less than five feet away.

The current of our connection sparks off his fingers, tingling my skin, and I want more than anything to lean into his touch. To breathe in his scent and wrap myself around his passion, letting it infuse me with its strength. I want to pretend he believes me.

That he’ll teach me how to love him right.

That he still loves me, too.

I jerk away from his touch instead.

His chin juts out and his eyes gain a sheen, but after a moment he nods his head and backs away, clearing his throat. With one last glance my way, he turns his attention to Lee. “Lee, it’s all good.”

She scoffs, spinning around and dropping her hands. “We must have different definitions of that phrase, Eli.”

The sharpness in her voice shoots through the air, piercing my chest and nailing my heart through the hole. She’ll hate me now. Honestly, I can’t blame her. I would hate me, too.

My brain is confused. My soul is lost.

And I think I’m going to be sick.

I told Eli I loved him and this is where we end up. With me laid out on a desk, while my best friend watches from the doorway—Eli’s fiancée none the wiser in a room down the hall.

Oh God.

My hand curls around my stomach, pressing deeply, hoping the pressure is enough to keep me from spewing all over the tile floor.

What have I done?

Realization drops heavy in my gut and my stomach revolts, teasing the back of my throat with the tang of hypocrisy.

I am my father.

I move from the desk, toward Lee. I’m careful in my steps, afraid she’s going to lash out and strike. She’s radiating animosity, her stature cutting through my skin and bleeding my guilt into the space between us.

I should have told her.

But I suppose hindsight is twenty-twenty.

“Lee, this isn’t what it looks like.” I’m not sure why I phrase it that way because technically it is what it looks like. But it’s also so much more.

“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that phrase tonight.” She laughs. “No. I think this is exactly what it looks like. And besides the fact Eli’s engaged to be freakin’ married, I probably wouldn’t have cared. But I asked you, Becca.” Her voice breaks.

Shame twists my stomach. It’s always slinked around in the background, but over the years I’ve been a master of repression—able to ignore the fact I’ve been keeping something gigantic from her.

Something that changes her perception of reality.

Just like my folks did with me.

My gut rolls with nausea.

Still, I have to try to salvage this. “I know, but?—”

“Don’t,” she bites. “Don’t try to excuse this away. I don’t wanna hear it. I can’t even begin to process this right now. All I know is how much it hurts that you thought I wouldn’t understand.”

What’s left of my hope smashes into a thousand pieces, careening from my chest and mixing in the ruins of my soul.

Lee’s eyes look through me even though I’m standing right in front of her. “I need to speak to my brother, Becca. Alone .”

My breathing stutters. The reality of losing Lee is much worse than the fear. It’s an ache that penetrates my bones and settles in, spreading through every limb until it hurts to move. Even through the pain, it’s a struggle to keep from looking back at Eli—to make sure he knows that I meant what I said. That through all of this, I have always, irrevocably loved him.

But the truth is, sometimes love digs in deep and draws out the darkest parts of your soul. The pieces you don’t want to find because of what you’ll face when you do—the worst version of yourself.

Sometimes love is greed.

It’s hurtful.

It’s selfish.

So even though this might be the last time I ever see him, and every single fiber of my being is begging for one last glance, I don’t turn around.

Instead, I walk out the door.