Page 26 of All That Glitters (Endurance #1)

Helen

Reckless was my new middle name. At least, when it came to Ashton Glitterati. I didn’t want to think about how I’d get over him when he was done with me.

My heart would be broken.

Did he know that? Did he care? Would he care when all was said and done?

The Ashton he’d been before his injuries would have. Then again, that version of him would’ve never done this to me. Maybe to some nameless, faceless woman, but not to me. We’d been friends for too long.

No, he was doing this to hurt Hale through me and if my twin knew how deep into this I was, he’d be far more than hurt. And I was risking losing his respect by following through with this, by having said yes in the first place.

But as I looked across at Ashton, I knew, not for the first time, that there was no other answer I would have, or could have given him. He was the only person, outside my brother, that I’d ever I’d risk everything for.

I was in love with him.

My breath caught, but I was so used to hiding everything I thought or felt, that it would be imperceptible to Ashton.

It was also the first time I’d admitted it to myself with such stunning clarity and should’ve be enough for me to call this whole thing off.

But I wouldn’t. I would see it through. I would see it to the very end.

He’d ruin me and the longer this went on, the more complete my destruction.

“Reckless,” he murmured.

I didn’t disagree. “Yes.”

“Why won’t you walk away?”

“You asked for my help.” There was certainty and conviction in my voice, but he shook his head.

“I did. And the gracious Helen Troye would help anyone who needed it. This is different.”

“Maybe to you it is.”

“To you it is.”

I shrugged and set my feet on the floor. “Are we going to talk all night?”

“Do you have somewhere else to be?”

“No.”

“Is there something else you’d rather do than talk?”

“We could go for a drive.”

His body tensed as soon as the words were out of my mouth. His hands gripped the arms of the chair until his knuckles turned white.

I stood slowly and cautiously moved toward him. I knelt at his feet.

“Ashton.”

Fear and anger brewed in his eyes and he gave his head a short, violent shake.

“This is what you asked me to help you with. You haven’t gone near a car since the first night.”

“How do you know?”

“Tell me I’m lying.”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t give anything away, but I could see the pulse beating in his neck, I could see his shallow breathing. He might’ve thought he could hide from me, that he could keep his cool with me, but he should’ve known better.

I wanted to touch him. I wanted to lean into him and wrap my arms around him. I wanted him to lean on me, to trust me.

“No.” His voice grated like rocks crunching under heavy boots. The anger was going to win. He wouldn’t harm me. That much I knew.

“We can talk. We can fuck. And I’m all for both, but those things alone will only help you so much.

You don’t have to drive. You can sit in the passenger seat and we’ll go for a midnight road trip down A1A.

Remember when we’d pile in the car and drive all night to Miami, then turn around and head back, stopping for breakfast before getting home?

Brax and Hale would eat so many pancakes that we had to stop just a few miles up the road? ”

Those were some of the best times I had growing up. I was the only girl between them and for the most part, they treated me as one of them.

Then one day everything changed and I saw Ashton as more than a friend, wanted him as more than a friend, but I never let it come between any of us.

“I…”

The panic was so real, so palpable and my heart hurt for him. I reached for his hand, but he snatched it away.

“What if I can’t?” The question was a whisper of sound and maybe he hadn’t meant for me to hear it, maybe he didn’t want me to reply, but I would anyway.

“What if you can?” Pop psychology words on a meme shared across social media. They meant something more, part of a larger quote with different words. The anger was losing and I wasn’t sure what would happen if his fear took hold. “Are you really going to let Hale win? Again?”

The flash was back when he glared at me and darkened the longer we stared at each other.

I could handle his anger. Not his fear.

“Get out.”

“No.”

“Get. Out.”

I settled more comfortably on the floor, kneeling between his thighs. “You’re going to have to drag me by the hair and throw me out if you want me to leave.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“I fucking dare you.”

He was hard. And stubborn, but behind the cotton pants he wore was the growing length of his cock. The fight we were having, the argument turned him on. I could handle that, too.

“I won’t ask you again.”

“You’ve tried to get rid of me twice and both times the answer is no. You wanted my help. I’m here. Let me help you, Ashton.”

“It was a mistake. I’m not ready.”

“You’re not ever going to be ready. You’re going to have to try and fail and try again, but you’re never going to be ready to do it.”

“I don’t care.”

“Bullshit. You do care.”

“I… I can’t.” His voice and my heart cracked at the same time. “I can’t do it.”

“Ashton, if —”

“Listen to me, Helen. I. Can’t. Do. It.”

“I don’t believe you.” He sank deeper into the chair, almost like he was hoping it would swallow him and make him disappear.

I didn’t have any experience in this area and I wasn’t qualified to help him the way he needed.

He probably needed a driver coach, and to go back to therapy, but since he wouldn’t get professional help, he was stuck with me.

“You’re the strongest person I know and I’ve never known anyone with the drive and determination that you have. ”

“Hale…”

“Okay, sure. Hale. Brax, too. You were always competitive, always pushing each other to do better, to win. I know you’re hurting and I know you’re scared. I know you’re angry, but the only way to get back to it is to not give up.”

“The way you did.”

That stung and for a moment I was caught off guard. It was the third time Ashton had brought up the fact that I no longer raced. “Stop changing the subject.”

“How is it a different subject?”

“Because we’re not talking about me.”

“Because Hale got the chance you didn’t.”

“We’ve been over this, Ashton. The wreck was not the same. The consequences of Hale getting the ride over me weren’t as devastating as the consequences of the wreck.”

“Not as violent, but just as devastating. Imagine the career you could’ve had. The one you can still have.”

His anger changed right before my eyes. He changed. There was a different type of intensity that lit his eyes and he sat up straight, determination in the set of his mouth. What the hell was he up to?

“Ashton… Drop it.”

“Or what? What will you do, Helen? Will you get up and leave?”

Is that what he was about with all this? Was he trying to find the right button to push so that I’d leave him to his misery? “You know me better than that.”

“And you think you know me.”

“I —”

“We talk about me being afraid, about my anxiety and nerves, and they’re as real as breathing, but what about yours?

There are women making names for themselves in all levels of motorsports.

They’re all over the shops, in all the engine rooms, on pit road, owning race teams, racing all female teams. Why aren’t you part of it? ”

Why wasn’t I? I’d asked myself that question more than once. I’d taken the safe route, finished my degree, and took the job my father offered me. I took the route that was expected of me after Hale was given the ride.

That wasn’t fair. Hale deserved it as much as me. I just hadn’t been taken as seriously as him. I wasn’t as marketable. I’d seen firsthand what was looked for and it wasn’t a woman behind the wheel.

But that was then…

No.

He could be anything he wanted. A woman couldn’t be anything less than perfect or she wasn’t worth taking a chance on. If her reputation slipped even a fraction, she would be out of the seat. Better safe than sorry. And a male driver, Hale, was the safest bet.

“You’re chicken.”

“Fuck you.”

“Anytime, you know that, but you’re still chicken.”

“You don’t know anything about it.”

“Then clue me in.”

I scrambled off my knees but Ashton’s hand grabbed for my wrist before I could get out of reach. He tugged me toward him and the downward pressure had me on his lap. “Straddle me.”

“No.”

“Fucking. Straddle. Me.” He stared at me and I glared at him but caved. Of all things, I wasn’t ready to lose this. I wasn’t ready to lose him so I gave in. The smirk on his face made me second guess all my decisions leading up to this moment. “Good girl.”

“Prick.”

“Yeah, I know how much you like mine.”

I hated how right he was about that. I hated that him calling me a good girl melted everything inside me and pooled between my thighs. I had a sneaking suspicion he knew it, too. Egotistical ass.

I hated that with him I had a praise kink the size of the ocean. I was sure he knew that, too.

I tugged my wrist from him and crossed my arms over my chest. Defiant and somewhat protective. It was no use against him and I knew it, but I still tried.

“Now what?”

“My beautiful Helen. Tell me.”

He said ‘ beautiful Helen ’ like an admonishment, like he was disappointed in me and it hurt somewhere inside. That he put a ‘ My ’ in front of it… He could be cruel without meaning to be. “I don’t have anything to tell you.”

“Then what aren’t you telling yourself that you should? Why aren’t you in a car? Why aren’t you in a conversation? Why aren’t you marketing for one of them, at the very least? Why are you still working for your family?”

The questions came like rapid fire bullets hitting me one after the other, attacking my weaknesses, my uncertainties, my fears. Each one drove me into myself, mentally pulled me away from him.

I should’ve left when he told me to. I shouldn’t have been so stubborn as to think I could fix him, help him, heal him with tenderness, with my heart, my body. And God, how I loved him. The admission of that was another bullet tearing into me, only this time it was one that I fired myself.

“I didn’t know you cared,” I said, my voice whisper soft.

It was so unlike me to shy away, to make myself small for anyone.

Then again, hadn’t I done just that? Wasn’t that what he was sitting there accusing me of?

Tucking my tail and running to safety, running from the thing I loved most in the world?

But Ashton’s disappointment was different. It made me feel small and weak and silly and stupid. It certainly didn’t make me want to feel anything else. It made me want to hide away. It didn’t make me want to try again, to learn, to grow from whatever went wrong.

I felt his disappointment so deep inside that I didn’t know how I was ever going to recover from it.

And yet, I stayed on his lap, stayed with him, stayed because I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

It was just the one thing that he was bothered by, so it would be okay, right? If we could just avoid that one topic, we could keep going, keep turning to each other, right? Or he could keep turning to me and I could keep running to him…

What a fucked up mess this was. Why did he have to go and ruin it? Why couldn’t he have left well enough alone. Why —

“What are you thinking about? You look like you can’t decide between fucking me and stabbing me.”

“I can’t.” There was both admission and admonishment in my reply.

“Touched a nerve, did I? Good. You needed it touched. You need all of your pieces and parts touched.”

Sex. yes. If I could keep him focused on sex, it was possible I would be able to shut all the other shit away for the rest of the night.

“No.” He leaned forward, kissed the tip of my nose, then sat back. “I know that look, Helen. You’re not getting my dick until we finish this conversation.”

“We are finished. Drop it, Ashton.”

“Nope.”

“Why? Why are you pushing me about this?”

“Because no one else did. Not even me and I’m… I’m sorry. No one pushed for you.”

“That’s not what our arrangement was.”

“Maybe it should’ve been. You help me, I help you.”

“You won’t let me help you.”

“And you’re fighting against me helping you.” He dragged a finger down the center of my chest to the edge of my jeans. “Seems we have ourselves a little conundrum.”

“We wouldn’t have one if you’d leave it alone. What’s done is done. I took a different path and I’m damn good at my job.”

“No one has ever said you aren’t, certainly not me, but are you really going to sit on my thighs and tell me that you’re not just a little bit resentful? That you’re not just a little bit angry, even if you’ve buried it so deep that my cock can’t even reach it?”

“Jesus, Ash…”

“You lying to him, too?”

Ashton’s mouth took mine a split second later. His arms wrapped around my back and pulled me forward and into him. Every thought fled and I gave myself up to the taste of him, the feel of his lips, the coaxing of his tongue.

With him, like this, nothing else mattered. Even the dreams that were snatched from my hands…

With him, like this, the way our bodies fit, the way our mouths fit, there was nothing but us.

It was enough. It would have to be.