Page 25 of All That Glitters (Endurance #1)

She sat on the very edge of the couch and seemed unsure how to ask what she wanted.

“They’ve increased since I stopped taking the anxiety and pain meds.”

“Why did you stop?”

“Oh come on, Helen. You know why.”

She nodded. “Okay. Yes. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, but I suppose it can’t hurt.”

“They say bad dreams lose their power if you talk about them or write them down.”

“Who is they?”

The small smile that crossed her pretty lips told me my skepticism was well founded.

“I have no idea, but it sounded good.”

I dropped into one of two oversized chairs across from her. She settled back a bit. “Were you going to bed when I texted?”

“No. I was doing a little work.”

She fit here, in this cottage. She fit here, in this cottage with me and I liked that idea way too fucking much. “Would you like a drink?”

“Ash…”

I sighed, annoyed that she wouldn’t let me change the subject, either.

“It was the crash. It’s always the crash.

The car exploded into flames, but in the dreams…

I’m on fire, too. The fire suit doesn’t keep the flames from my skin.

They burn through within seconds. I’m on fire from head to toe, even inside my helmet.

All the bones in both legs are broken, my chest and ribs are cracked and I can’t get out.

I can’t do anything, not even scream. And in some of them, I…

” I had to take a second to force the word out.

I had never said it out loud, not like this.

“In some of them, I die. Either inside the car, or on the track after emergency has pulled me out.”

I didn’t look at her as I recounted the darkness in my head, but when I did, after, tears streamed down her cheeks. Anger colored my vision. I didn’t want her pity or her sympathy.

“I’m so sorry, Ash. I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“It’s not a barrel of laughs.”

My voice was cold, even to my ears.

“I don’t know what I can do to help, but if there’s something, please… Tell me.”

“You came when I messaged you. That’s what I needed from you. I didn’t want to be alone with this one.”

“Did you? I mean…”

“Did I die in the one tonight? Yes. When I woke up, it took several minutes to get my breathing under control. I texted you as soon as I could hold my phone steady enough.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you did.” She swiped at the wetness on her face. “Maybe you should get back on —”

“Don’t say I should get back on the meds.”

“But if they help —”

“No,” I barked. “I have to get through this on my own. I have to find a way to control this on my own.”

“But you’re not on your own, are you?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s the truth, though.”

My whole face turned to stone for a moment. It wasn’t long enough that she’d notice. At least I didn’t think she would but the slight, thin smile told me that she didn’t miss anything anymore than I did. Maybe we were more alike than I gave us credit for.

That wasn’t a good thing. Helen was a good person. She deserved better than to be anything like me.

“What’s that look for?” she asked, settling deeper into the couch, shifting to the corner and tucking her feet to the side on the sofa cushion.

“This was a mistake.”

“Which part?”

“You should go.”

Her defiance was immediate as it crossed her stoic features. It was admirable, too.

“No.”

“Helen.”

“Ashton.”

“Don’t test me. I’m trying to save you.”

“I didn’t ask to be saved.”

“You should.”

“I’ve never really done what I should.”

“If that was true, you’d still be in a car on the track.”

And there was the first crack. As long as we were talking about me, she was a fighter and she gave as good as she got, but when I turned the conversation on her, especially on her racing, she changed and closed off.

“That’s different.”

“Bullshit.”

“Now isn’t the time.”

“When is the time? I’ll show up.”

“None of this is about me, Ashton. I’m here for you. All of this is because of you. Let’s just stick to that.”

I wasn’t going to confess that everything was about her.

“You were good,” I said, ignoring her. “I’d bet you still are. When was the last time you got behind the wheel of a race car?”

“I don’t know.”

“Liar. Why aren’t you the one in Hale’s seat?”

Her annoyance turned, shifted into frustration, but I could see the anger taking shape in her eyes, in the tightening of her lips.

“Tell me. Did your parents choose Hale over you or did the owners?”

“That’s not fair. You don’t know anything about it.”

“Then tell me what happened?”

“He beat me that day.”

“No.”

“Why won’t you drop this?”

“Because I want to know.”

“No. It’s because it takes the focus off of you.”

She was somewhat correct about that, but not entirely. There was something about the fact that she’d taken over marketing at Troye, LTD. instead of following her dreams of racing that puzzled me. bothered me.

“They could’ve gone to bat for you.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Again bullshit.”

I remembered the way things had gone when teams had come calling and courting and looking into the twins.

I remembered that Helen’s skills and talent were just as impressive as Hale’s, if not more so.

She was innately talented and intuitively sharper.

Hale was the one with the technical skills.

When they were on the track together, they’d often cross the line at the same time.

She could’ve had a stellar career as a racer, blazed new trails. It was taken from her in favor of her brother and I was as sure of that as I was sitting across from her.

She deserved the chance. And though strides had been made in the sports world for female athletes, there hadn’t been enough ground broken. Yet. But it was happening. She could’ve been right there as the surge began to take off.

“Tell me.”

She shook her head, bit her lip, and took a deep breath, then released a painful sigh.

“The test run Hale did for Billy Greene Racing . They called and wanted me, but Dad… He said they should look at both of us, let us race each other, and then decide who they wanted. Billy said they’d seen us and that’s why they were interested in me. ”

I knew some of the story, from Hale’s point of view, but never from Helen’s. She’d returned to college full-time immediately after. The next time I saw her was at the start of the following season. Hale’s first.

“How far ahead of him were you when you took the flag?”

She hesitated but relented. “Tip of the nose. Happy now? Jesus, Ashton… This isn’t why you wanted me to come out here tonight and digging this up isn’t going to help you.”

“I talked about the nightmare. I feel better.”

“Bullshit.”

I smiled. “Naughty girl, using my own argument against me.”

“I learned from the best.” Her face sobered. “Is there anything that helps with the nightmares other than the medication you refuse to take?”

“Not that I’ve found. I tried alcohol, but that didn’t help, either.”

“That’s probably a good thing.”

“If it helped me sleep without waking like this, I’d do it.”

“If racing is the reason you won’t take the meds, then alcohol wouldn’t get you behind the wheel, either.”

She wasn’t wrong.

“So, what do you normally do after a nightmare?”

“I usually drag myself out of bed and turn on the television or some music. The noise helps me feel less erratic and alone.”

Every part of this that she pulled from me, that she exposed angered me, but then, I’d started this whole thing, so I only had myself to blame. She would do nothing less than fight for me.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“How am I looking at you?”

Her opinion should be interesting.

“I’m not sure, but I don’t think I like it very much.”

“Oh come on, Helen.”

“Oh come on, what?”

“Are you scared of me?”

“Should I be?”

“I’m harmless.”

She snorted a laugh and a smile spread across my face.

“You’re anything but harmless, Ash.”

She was right, but the banter put me at ease in one respect and on edge in another. “A pussycat, really.”

“You’ve never been soft and cuddly a day in your life.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t think I’m as fearsome as you say I am.

” I was worse and we both knew it. The longer we kept this up, this moment, the more convinced I was that the thing I needed to help me sleep through the night was the same thing I needed to help me get back my life back on track. It was really one and the same.

Helen.

Sleeping the night with her, though… It wasn’t a good idea.

In fact, it was a terrible idea. It implied something more than what our arrangement entailed.

Even though there wasn’t a contract or a formal agreement, we’d both agreed to abide by the informal terms. I would use her as I saw fit, and I would trust her to keep my fears and anxieties between us as she helped me try to overcome them.

Given the part of the conversation about her driving, I couldn’t help but wonder if I needed to help her with the same thing.

She was very good at what she currently did, but I saw the spark in her eyes when she talked about beating Hale to the line during their test with Billy Greene’s team.

“Are you sure? The way you bullied me into this with you…”

“Bullied you? I bullied you?”

“What would you call it?”

“Talked into? Heavily suggested? Coerced?”

“How is any of that different from bullying?”

“I appealed to your tender heart.”

She opened her mouth but quickly closed it. She had no defense for that and she knew part of it was true.

I used our friendship and her kindness and her love for her brother against her to get her to help me, to get her into bed.

Her love for me, too.

Although, we hadn’t actually made it to a bed, yet.

“You forced your way into my good graces.”

“Ha! I’ve always been in your good graces, Helen. Admit it, you have enjoyed every moment of this.”

“I…”

I had her. “You’ve enjoyed every touch, every orgasm, every second some part of me has been on or in some part of you.”

“That’s not fair,” she said softly.

“You knew that when you agreed. It was meant to benefit me and in no way would that ever be fair to you. I’ve tried to make it feel good, but it was a means to an end. I thought you understood that.”

Saying those things to her, watching her face change from surprised to hurt to sad to the flashes of anger made me want to call some of it back, to say something, anything to see a smile that I didn’t deserve. But the words would stay in the space between us.

Which made the next ones both easer and harder to say.

“You should go.”

“You’re such a dick, Ashton.”

“You’ll get no argument from me on that.”

“You asked what I was doing before I answered your text.”

“You said you were working, but I don’t care anymore.”

Lies. So many damn lies.

“Too bad. You’ve won. It didn’t even take ten days for you to win.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hale. You’ve… Driven a wedge between us, or… I don’t know. We’re not the same. I’ve had to lie to him. He’s suspicious and I don’t think he trusts med. And why should he?”

The coldness in her eyes, the humorless laugh, the way she curled in on herself…

“Leave.”

“No.”

“Helen.”

“Ashton.”

“Go.”

“No.”

“Go the fuck home.” In response, she settled deeper into the corner of the couch and took her hair down, toed off her shoes. She seemed ready to stay right where she was. Her stubbornness both pissed me off and made me incessantly proud.

I should be happy that Hale was hurting, he was losing his grip on the one thing he’d always been able to count on. But all I felt was anger. Always the fucking anger.

“Nope. I think I’ll stay for a bit longer. You asked me to come over and I drove all the way here, so…”

“It wasn’t a long haul. I shouldn’t have texted. It won’t happen again. I need you to go.”

She stretched her legs out, arched her back, turned her head from side to side, lifted her arms over her head and let out the most sensual moan I’d ever heard from someone I wasn’t buried inside of.

Damn woman.

“I don’t want you here.”

“Liar.”

I was. I was the biggest fucking liar. “Helen…” My voice sounded exasperated to my own ears. She was going to win goddammit.

“You wanted my help. You wanted me . You don’t trust anyone else. You need me . I’m here. I’ve walked out on Hale. Twice. I’d walk out on anyone in the world. For you.”

“Why do you have to make it so fucking difficult to do the right thing?”

“The right thing? There is no right thing, Ashton. There is nothing right about this. You’ve said as much.”

That one statement caught me the wrong way. “Nothing?”

She rolled her eyes in classic dramatic fashion. I have no doubt she’d have given her namesake a run for her money as the most beautiful woman in the world, ancient or otherwise, especially when she was full of sass and challenging me at every turn.

“I didn’t mean that .”

“You said nothing. Which definitely includes that . And I know for a fact that if anything at all is right about this, that is.”

“Is that what you want?”

If I said yes, she’d give it to me. She’d give me her body in any way I wanted it. And if I said yes, there would be no sending her home tonight or any night until I was bored with the game that she said I’d already won. It sure as shit didn’t feel like I’d won anything.

I regarded her and she stared at me, her brilliant eyes unblinking. The emotions swirling in them were too complicated and raw. This was fucked up and if I was smart, I’d pull her up, push her outside, and lock the door behind her.

I wasn’t about to smarten up now.

“Last chance to leave, Helen.”

“No.”