Page 15 of All That Glitters (Endurance #1)

She applied a little pressure and I looked down. She had long, elegant fingers. Why hadn’t I realized that before? Why hadn’t I really noticed her, the woman she was, the girl she used to be? Why did it take the crash to make me realize there was a part of me that wanted to kiss her?

“Are you okay?”

Her voice was soft, but it broke through the haze in my head.

No. Not at all. “I think so.”

“Okay. What do you need? Do you need me to talk or to be quiet?”

“I don’t know.” I hated that almost more than anything else. I said those words more often than not and if I wasn’t saying them out loud, I was thinking them. My body was healing, but my mind was, for lack of a better descriptor, fractured.

“Are you able to drive a regular car? Like mine?”

Did I lie to her or tell her the truth? Did I show her more of the mess that I was?

In the end, I chose not to respond and I knew she didn’t know what to say any more than I did. She didn’t have the answers and she was right. She didn’t know how to help me. This was above and beyond friendship and I could feel the anger building inside me that I’d even thought she or anyone could.

“It’s really been bad, huh?”

“It’s been… I’ve never felt anything like it. And I don’t even really know what it is. I’ve never been afraid of anything, especially when it came to cars, but now…” And just like that, the nausea started to turn my stomach.

My knuckles turned white in my lap.

My heart was thumping at a pace I didn’t think it could keep up. It was different from the way it pounded in the midst of a race. This was like a warning sign. Add it together with the sweat breaking out on my forehead and the stomach unease…

“I’ve got to get out,” I said with an urgency Helen apparently didn’t feel. “I’m serious, Helen. I need to get out.”

She regarded me for a moment, but finally moved and I crawled out, lying prone on the cool garage floor.

Without hesitation, Helen sat on the ground by my side and stroked my back.

Comfort.

Support.

Exactly what I’d asked her for. In a roundabout way.

I told her I wanted help, that I needed help.

I never said I wanted her to comfort me, to offer me kindness.

But she understood that underneath it all, maybe I’d need that, too. After all, she was my friend.

And there she was, on the ground with me in her expensive suit and heels.

Between feeling grateful, and humbled, the anger that was my constant companion ignited.

I didn’t understand it. I was angry with Hale, always. But I was also now angry with Helen.

She’d seen me at my weakest. Yes, I invited her in, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

The waves of emotions that I’d become accustomed to riding over the months since the wreck caused me endless days of whiplash.

I didn’t want to go back to a therapist. I didn’t want to, couldn’t afford, career-wise, to go back on medication.

But the pressure inside me, the stress, the buildup festering in my blood…

“You can leave.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you still here?”

I bit the words out, my voice cold, my tone brooking no argument. With any other woman, there would be fear and a scrambling to get away from me. But not Helen. I should’ve known.

“Because it wouldn’t look good for me to leave you on the floor.”

“I’m fine. At least here you can’t run me over the way your brother did.”

I felt her sigh as much as I heard it. I understood that how I felt about her from minute to minute didn’t make sense. Nothing was linear anymore. Everything about my life was all over the place.

And taking it out on her felt both good and bad.

“You’re an asshole,” she said softly.

“Yeah.” I could own that.

She got to her feet in one smooth move while it took me several questionable and painful moments to stand.

“Are you ever going to let it go? Are you ever going to try to let it go?”

“I don’t know. Maybe when I take it out on you,” I said, speaking the words that continued to run rampant in my head.

I felt her gaze shift back toward me but I kept mine averted. I wouldn’t look at her. I wouldn’t allow myself to see what was written on her face. I wouldn’t allow myself to see her hurt or even her anger. I didn’t want to see her indignation.

What I wanted most, I couldn’t have.

I wanted her.

Not for revenge. For me.

But the anger and need for payback wouldn’t let me have her for myself.

That pissed me off, too.

“What do you have in mind?”

The words weren’t what I expected and I turned surprised eyes on her.

“Will it really make you feel better to hurt me?”

“It might. Nothing else has.”

“Tell me where and when and I’ll be there.”

“Stop being so fucking agreeable.”

“Do you want me to fight you? Are you spoiling for a fight?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not going to give you that. You fight yourself enough that you don’t need me to fight you, too.”

“Leave it to you to be logical. I tell you I want to hurt you and you say okay. Jesus, Helen… Just fucking go home.”

“Oh there’s the real asshole.”

“Fuck you.”

“If that’s what it takes.”

“Why? Why are you willing?”

“Because maybe it’ll keep my brother out of the wall and out of the hospital. Maybe it’ll help you or at least it’ll give you someone else to take it all out on.”

“Fuck your brother, too.”

“Fuck everyone. Including yourself, Ashton.”

“Without mercy.”

“Get over yourself. You’re not the first one to be wrecked, on purpose or not, and you won’t be the last. You got out. With help, yes, but you still got out.”

Her ire was a sight to behold. She might not fight me, but she would fight for me. Helen wasn’t weak and she wasn’t one to back down when backed into a corner. She wasn’t afraid of me.

“Your body is working, healing. Others in this sport haven’t been so lucky. Go back to therapy or go to anger management… But get your head out of your ass, and deal with your shit so you can get back in a car and win again.”

“Why Helen of Troye… I didn’t think you had that kind of fire inside you.”

“Ash…”

I stood toe to toe with her, as close as I’d been to her on the terrace earlier.

Christ … Had it only been a few hours ago that we were alone together, albeit a different type of current running between us?

I reached for the strands of hair hanging over her shoulder.

“Are you really willing to take the place of your brother? Are you really willing to accept me this way? Are you really willing to take it all?”

“If it helps you, yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you need someone and if no one else is going to give it to you and if you’re not going to seek it from anyone else, then I’ll stand in for whatever you need.”

Her willingness made sense and at the same time, it didn’t.

She was a business woman. She wasn’t prone to impulsiveness and giving in to what I wanted to do to her was impulsive. But I wasn’t going to give her a chance to think about it. I wasn’t going to give her even the fraction of a second to think about it.

I wouldn’t let her back out or change her mind or come up with conditions of her own, except that I not go after Hale.

What would it feel like to be loved the way she loved?

What would it feel like to be cared about the way she cared?

She was human and likely one of the best humans I’d ever known.

“The cottage. Tomorrow afternoon. Do you remember where the turn is?”

“I think so, but I don’t want to nor plan to go traipsing through your family’s property in search of it.”

“I would never do that to you.”

“Really? You’re willing to do other things, but not that? How kind of you.”

I’m sure my smile did nothing to reassure her.

“The turn is about a quarter mile up the road from the main driveway. It’s a sand and gravel path.

There’s a gate and I’ll leave it open for you.

Big enough for one car. You’d never see it if you weren’t looking for it.

It’s not visible from the house, either.

No one will know. You’ll remember it once you see it. ”

“I have a meeting until two. I’ll see you at three.”

She turned away and walked out, her steps echoing across the highly polished floor. I followed her.

“What? No kiss good-bye?”

“No. This isn’t personal, Ashton.”

Kissing was personal. If she thought she was going to get away with not ever kissing me… “It’s very personal, Helen. And I look forward to proving to you exactly how personal this is.”

I watched as she got into the Jeep, started the engine, and drove away from me. The second her tail lights were out of sight, exhaustion consumed me. As well as regret.

I never thanked her for coming back, for staying with me, for sitting on the floor beside me until I felt better. Instead, I let my anger get the best of me and I couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t been a conscious choice.

She deserved better than the way I treated her tonight.

She was definitely going to deserve better than what she’d agreed to.

And try as I might, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to convince myself that she asked for it.