Page 10 of All That Glitters (Endurance #1)

Ashton

Walking away from Helen Troye in that moment was physically, unexpectedly painful. It had little to do with the unexpected discomfort in my pants, and while I’d have preferred that to be the only effect she had on me, it wasn’t.

Written all over her face was want, hunger. And a little fear. That little bit of fear and uncertainty didn’t change the fact that I planned to violate our friendship by teasing her, playing with her, seducing her, leaving her.

I hated myself for it, for the whole idea, but I hated other things more and Hale’s anger and hurt would be worth it.

I couldn’t stop second guessing myself, though.

Could I do it? Could I really do that to her? She was the only woman I could count as a friend. She was also the only woman I’d ever compared other women to and none of them ever measured up.

What I was thinking was nuts, and cruel, but she was the only other thing in this world that Hale cared about as much as racing and until I could get back into a car and back on the track, until I could get everyone, including my father to believe all was well, Helen was the only way I could hurt Hale.

The time I spent with her on the terrace brought the incessant buzzing in my brain down to a low hum.

It was one of the reasons I stayed with her as long as I did.

I hadn’t planned to take her outside at all, but seeing her with Brax, laughing, talking quietly, having a drink so casually…

Then she swayed on her feet and everything around me disappeared.

I was at her side before Brax could touch her, before anyone could alert Hale.

I hadn’t planned to tell her that I’d moved out to the shell cottage, or about my grandfather’s little trysts, but the more I talked to her, the longer I was with her, the more I wanted to lead her out through the garden and into the wild grass, away from the party, the whispers, the covert stares.

I wanted to stay with the one person, the first person I’d found in all these months who eased the chaos inside me.

I knew what my mother was hoping for by having this dinner, but I wasn’t interested in putting on the Glitterati charm, pretending the whole time that I didn’t want to take a hundred swings at Hale and a hundred more at Brax.

And I knew that wasn’t fair. Brax hadn’t done anything wrong. The car needed a driver when I couldn’t do it, and Brax was next in line. He did his job. But he shouldn’t have had to do it. He shouldn’t have had to stand in for me and because he did, I wanted to slug him.

None of it made any sense. Not to me and I knew no one else would understand it, either. My anger was all over the place and it was an unsettling way to exist.

Still… I didn’t care.

I felt Helen’s eyes boring into my back as I walked away. I wasn’t ready to rejoin the party in my current frame of mind. I needed to pull myself together, so I entered the door farthest away, the one that led to the rear stairwell via a small hallway.

Once upon a time I’d have taken the steps two at a time, but since the accident, I had to take them one at a time, slowly, and with a lot more difficulty.

I was a complete fraud. I wasn’t the same man who got into the car on that summer day last year.

All of it hurt, inside and out. I didn’t trust myself.

The biggest hurdle on my agenda, starting yesterday, was to get back behind the wheel of a car. Any car at this rate.

A race car, though… My race car… My hands began to tremble, then my whole body followed suit.

“I can’t go out like this.” I whispered. “I won’t go out like this.”

Leaning my head against the wall, I closed my eyes. Shutting everything out often helped calm my heart rate and stop the panic that welled up inside me.

I always knew the power of controlled breathing, but until this, until these weaknesses showed up, I hadn’t appreciated the art of it.

Deep breath in.

Slow breath out.

And Helen.

In the midst of my breathing exercises, Helen was there in my head and I welcomed the mental distraction of her.

She was probably back inside the house. Was she fielding questions from Brax? Was she telling him about our conversation? Had anyone else watched us leave? Did anyone see her walk back in alone?

I knew my mother was hoping to mitigate some of the tension that was going to follow through to the green flag and I wished I had a way to help with that, to not be one of the biggest reasons for the tension.

Endurance racing didn’t suffer as much drama in the media as the more popular racing series’, but a wreck as devastating as mine put us at the top of the sports highlights, in the magazines and all-over social media for weeks.

In some ways I enjoyed looking at all the press, but in other ways it added to my growing rage, my depression.

In the immediate aftermath, Hale was blasted pretty good for reckless driving, for not giving me enough room, for not braking, for not backing out when he got too close.

It hadn’t lasted long, though. Analyses of the wreck by sports writers and former drivers and commentators eventually exonerated Hale of any wrong doing.

They called it an accident, terrible, yes, but simply an accident.

A racing incident. The sanctioning body never once thought of taking action against him.

All drivers understand the risks was a familiar refrain.

I took another deep breath knowing I needed to make my way downstairs. I was doing this for my mother. That was the only reason I wasn’t shut away in the cottage.

In the nearest bathroom, I stood in the dark, splashed water on my face, and waited until the mask I wore now fell back into place.

I made my way down the hall, rounded the corner and headed toward the main staircase, but the voices of my parents coming from inside my father’s study stopped me.

“Leonardo, please.”

What was she pleading for? I rarely ever heard that tone from her, a mix of fear and something I couldn’t name.

“He’s not ready.”

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know who my father was talking about.

“His doctors say he is.”

“His doctors can say anything they want, Francesca. I’m telling you, he’s not ready to get back in a race car.”

“How do you keep him out of it?”

“By any means necessary.”

“Leo…”

“There’s a for cause clause in his contract. I’ve had our lawyers go over it. I can use it. I’m prepared to use it.”

“It would break him.”

“He’s already broken. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Not only is he not physically ready, but he’s not mentally or emotionally ready, either.”

“He just needs time.”

“There is no more time, Fran. The first race is in just a few weeks. I can’t send him out there blind.”

“What has he said?”

“Nothing of significance. He’s lied over and over.

He hasn’t even tried to get in a car. He’s been to the garage, but not to try…

Only to see the wrecked one. I’ll give him one more chance to get out on the track, but if he fails to show again, I’ll need to find something else for him and bring in another driver. ”

“He’d never forgive you.”

“That’s a chance I’m willing to take. I can’t have him freeze during a race. I can’t have him getting lost in his head. I can’t have him… He could’ve died that day. I won’t put any of us through it.”

“I know. But he’s a Glitterati. He’ll find his way. You did.”

“I never had to work myself back from what he’s been through.”

“You had friends who lost their ability to walk, who died.”

“And I don’t want that for him. He’s my son. Our son.”

“You can’t just make the decision for him. You have to find a way to get him to open up to you.”

Her desperation hurt. She was trying to convince him to trust me and he knew better than to do so.

“That’s always been your thing with him.”

“I’m not his boss.”

“I’m not just his boss, either. Choosing to be his father one minute and being his boss the next…

It’s never been hard. I’ve pushed him, challenged him.

I’m afraid to do that now. What will it do to him if I do?

What will happen if I push and it’s too much?

Death isn’t the only way to lose someone. ”

My mother had all the faith in the world in my ability to recover and take the principal position on the team again. My father? I wasn’t sure. Not anymore. And I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t be angry at the wall I’d put his back against.

“He’s got one week to get himself together. To show me something. If he can’t, I’ll be getting another driver. Brax was a temporary fix to finish out the season. I want both cars full of drivers that can contend for a championship. If not Ashton, I’ll put Brax back in his seat in the 07 .”

“And who for the 05 ?”

“A few names have crossed my desk. Some that might work out for a season. If Hale Troye wasn’t tied to a multi-year contract…”

“What? If he wasn’t tied to a contract… What? What are you trying to say?”

There was trepidation in my mother’s voice and I knew her thoughts were headed in the same direction mine were and we both waited to see if my father would finish his statement.

“I’d take him and put him in the 05 and keep Brax in the 07 .”

“Oh, Leo… You aren’t serious?”

Red flared behind my eyes at the mention of Hale. He was my trigger. He was one of my obstacles to moving forward. He was one of the reasons I couldn’t do what was needed. My shrink had been saying it from the beginning and I hadn’t believed her. At that moment, I did.

She said I needed to confront the rage, the need for revenge.

My father was right. It broke me. It broke pieces of me that I didn’t know existed. And it created fears I would’ve never believed could live inside me had they not been my constant companions since I woke up in the hospital.

My father wanted Hale Troye in a Glitterati car.