Page 23 of All That Glitters (Endurance #1)

Helen

The clock ticked away the minutes, taunting me.

I had spent days with my head buried in my laptop, working from dawn until well after dusk when I’d take myself off to bed. I’d spent the nights tossing and turning, dreaming of Ashton, of the wreck, of the sex, of the things in my own life that weren’t mine or meant for me at all.

Ashton had done this to me, to us.

I hadn’t heard from him. I wasn’t sure I would which suited me just fine. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to have to deal with him anymore. I didn’t want to keep up with my end of our agreement, either. I didn’t care if I ever saw him again.

Goddammit.

I dropped my head into my hands. I could lie to him, to Hale, to my family, to anyone else in the world, but I couldn’t lie to myself, no matter how much I wanted to. I was too masochistic for that. Apparently, I liked inflicting a little pain with my truth.

Even after what happened at the cottage I wanted to see him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be surrounded by his magnetism. I would always want him. It didn’t matter how much he humiliated me, how much he fucked with my heart, how much he put me on my knees… I would always want him.

Fucking bastard.

I would do this as long as he needed me to. I would go through whatever he needed if it helped him exorcize the demons riding him, if helped him fight back.

There was a part of me that had begun to hate him for what he was doing to me, but I couldn’t place all the blame on him. I agreed. I said yes. I was as much to blame as he was, and when my heart was shattered, I would have to face that ugly reality.

The end of us hadn’t entered my mind when he lobbied for my help.

I don’t know why. Ashton had only ever been dedicated to one thing in this world.

Racing. No woman would ever come before it.

And I had no illusions, grand or otherwise, that if there was a perfect woman for Ashton Glitterati, it would be me.

But I used to be his friend.

I was nothing more than a means to an end now.

“Helen?” I lifted my head. Hale sat next to me at the dinner table, a concerned expression on his face. For the past few minutes, I’d forgotten that I wasn’t alone right then. I hadn’t touched my food. I hadn’t even touched my glass of wine. That was a little bit telling.

“Hm?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why?”

“Liar.”

“I’m tired. I’ve been working a lot.”

“I know, but that’s not what’s wrong. What’s going on with you and Ashton?”

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“Really. Why?”

There was the snappy girl I’d become.

“Because I know you and you haven’t been the same since he showed up here that one day, since dinner that night, since you went back.”

I sighed. “We’ve had this conversation before, Hale. Remember? Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to. And don’t ask questions that I can’t answer without lying.”

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want them.”

“You would because you don’t like not knowing everything that’s happening in my life at any given moment.”

The second the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. Hale looked like I had struck him. What was happening to me? Why was I acting like this? I knew though. We both did.

“That’s not fair.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” But nothing going on in my personal life was fair. The kicker was that I let it happen, and I would continue letting it happen as long as I could.

It hurt. I didn’t like that it did, but stopping it wasn’t an option. Ashton asked for my help and for some reason he trusted me. I had no idea how to help him, but I would give whatever he needed.

Maybe it was just sex. Maybe it was more. I didn’t know and I really didn’t care.

“I don’t like that he’s come between us.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything. I wanted to deny it, but I didn’t think I could. Everything was such a fucking mess and it hadn’t taken long for it to get that way.

I reached for my wine glass and downed the contents. It had lost some of its body. I didn’t care.

“Are you at least being careful?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what it means.”

I try to keep my expression bland. “Hale…”

“I’m serious, Helen. Even though I don’t know what’s going on, I can’t imagine it’s anything good.”

“I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

“I might’ve agreed with you if it wasn’t Ashton we were talking about.”

“You used to be his friend,” I said, my words and tone and posture softening. I hated being defensive, hiding things, lying. It didn’t come naturally to me. It came easier than I’d expected it would, though. I had Ashton to thank for that.

“I still am. I think. At least for my part.” He sighed with frustration, running his fingers through his hair and gripping the short strands in his fists. “This Ashton… I don’t know how to be his friend. And more importantly, he doesn’t want to be my friend.”

Not for the first time, I saw the hurt in his eyes. He’d lost his best friend on the track that day.

Ashton’s heart still beat. He could walk, talk, smile. But he wasn’t the same man who started the race that day. Hale wasn’t, either. I wasn’t sure he was ready for that conversation.

We all lost something when Ashton had to be life flighted to a nearby hospital while Hale climbed from his own car and walked away.

“You have something in common then. He doesn’t know how to be a friend, either. Not with me or you. He and Brax are at odds. He’s angry with the whole world, Hale. Everything he knew has been turned upside down.”

“He’s not the only one that’s happened to. He’s not the only one under a microscope.”

“No, he’s not. But he had the most to lose and he lost it.”

“So, now you’re defending him. Against me?” His disappointment hurt. His defensiveness hurt. I could also understand it.

“It’s not a competition.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Hale…”

“He’s going to use you then discard you. He doesn’t know any other way. And you’re going to let him.”

I was uncomfortable with how much Hale actually understood about what was going on without me saying much at all.

“Give me a little credit. I know what I’m doing.”

“I’m sure every other woman who’s slept with him said the same thing.”

“So, that’s what you think of me?” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my brother’s mouth or mine. I didn’t want to examine any of it. I didn’t want to think about the things that I’d done with Ashton. I didn’t want to think about what I’d agreed to.

I didn’t want to look in the mirror. I’m not sure that I’d like what would be reflected back at me.

“No. That’s not what I think of you.” He sighed and craned his neck to glare at the ceiling.

It was something he did when he was frustrated and unable to find the right words, like whatever was above him would have the answers.

“You know him as well as I do. Or did. And I know why he’s angry with me.

I just wish he’d… Yell at me, hit me, pick a fight. Something. Anything.”

“You two tried that in our living room. There was some yelling and I think you both wanted to hit each other.”

“I don’t want the season to start this way and I don’t want questions about me and him to continue into this year. I don’t want to keep being asked about the crash and our friendship. I just want to race. I just want to put the helmet on and forget everything else.”

I nodded. Finishing last season out was one thing. Going into a new one was always a different animal.

“I thought I was protecting you by not pushing you to do any of the interviews that piled up, but I should’ve set up a few things. I failed you in that.”

I was his sister and I let my personal feelings get in the way of my professional role.

I managed his career from nearly every angle.

I’d offered up prepared statements and our social media team handled images and videos and together we’d kept everything about the car, the racing, and very little about him.

“I’m as much to blame. I didn’t want to seem like I was making excuses. I didn’t want to give Ashton more fuel and I thought by not answering any further questions beyond the ones immediately after that…” He hung his head, his shoulders slumped in misery. “He hates me, Helen.”

No one had prepared me for this. No one had prepared Hale for this.

“I don’t think he hates you.”

“He blames me.”

“Yes, but I don’t think he hates you. I don’t think he’s ready to see the wreck for what it was.”

“Will he ever be?”

“I don’t know. I hope so. It would be better for everyone and the sport as a whole if he did. We all need him to agree that it was a accident, that it wasn’t intentional.”

“One interview. But not now. In a few weeks with a couple races run and done.”

I didn’t know exactly how we got to this place in the conversation, but I was glad that we were no longer talking about me and Ashton because Hale connected more dots than I’d realized he had.

“Okay. I will look for someone you can sit down with.” But I already had someone in mind.

I didn’t know much about the woman who’d called a couple of times and sent several email inquiries, but I’d looked up what I could find.

She had a small blog where she covered races and wrote opinion pieces on the sport as a whole.

I liked her style and she seemed fairly knowledgeable.

Wheels turned in my head and I made a mental note to look into contacting her in a few weeks.

“I’m sorry I let you down,” I said softly.

“You didn’t let me down. Like you said, you were trying to protect me.”

“That’s my job as your big sister.”

He scoffed and I grinned. A real grin, too. It felt good and I almost felt normal. Almost.

“By two minutes.”

“They’re a very important two minutes and need to be acknowledged.”

“Brat.”

“Takes one.”

Hale finished his whisky and his smile fell.

“You’re not going to stop seeing him, are you?”

“I haven’t seen him in several days. I haven’t talked to him or heard from him.”

“That’s not an answer.”

I sighed. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say that whatever Hale suspected was over and done with.

“No.”

“You’ll be careful, won’t you?”

“Hale…”

“Please, Helen.”

“I’ve already said I would.”

“And you promise that you’ll get out if it becomes too much?”

“I’ve already promised that.”

But how could I keep that promise when I was already there, when I’d already broken it? I was way in over my head in this little devil’s bargain I’d made with Ashton.

I still wasn’t willing to tell Hale what Ashton was going through mentally, of the anxiety that gripped him every time he thought about getting behind the wheel of a car… Any car. Not just a race car. I wouldn’t betray Ashton’s confidence like that, not even to my twin.

He’d lost enough already. He was pushing everyone away, almost to the breaking point. He would soon find himself alone without a ride, without a crew, without an engineer, without his friends. I wouldn’t betray him, and I wouldn’t walk away from him.

Someone needed to help him and he’d chosen me.

“Helen…”

“All I can say is I will ask for help if I need it. You’re going to have to trust me.” Even if I didn’t trust myself.

“Okay,” he said, reluctance etched across his face as he watched me stand. “That’s better than nothing.”