Page 14 of All That Glitters (Endurance #1)

Ashton

“Ashton?”

“Here.”

Helen’s heels clicked on the polished floor as she advanced through the garage toward me. My heart rate hadn’t slowed down since I walked in.

And I hadn’t gone near any of the cars.

I stood staring out the rear windows toward the small building that housed what was left of my car.

“What are we doing out here?

She was still dressed the same as earlier. The only thing different was the way her hair now hung over her shoulder in a loose ponytail.

“Because this…” I waved my arm to encompass everything in the garage… “Is the reason I need…someone.”

“I… What do you mean? You’ve never been cryptic before.”

I hadn’t. “This is hard for me.”

“Okay.”

“What did you tell Hale?”

“That I left my phone behind so I can’t stay for long.”

“He’s more protective of you now.”

“I think it’s more that he doesn’t trust you.”

“He’s smart not to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

This tense back and forth with Helen was strange. It wasn’t us and I didn’t like it. I didn’t know which of us was changing faster. She knew I wasn’t the same person and maybe that was what she reacted to.

She’d always been smart. She’d always been quick on the uptake and I wondered if she realized just how dangerous the game between us was now.

“Your parents weren’t at dinner tonight.”

“No. They’re still on vacation. They’ll be here on race day. They’ll fly in before the start.”

“Where are they this year?”

“They’re in Australia.”

Her tone became increasingly annoyed, her posture rigid, her eyes wary.

I probably didn’t have much longer for small talk.

It had been more for my benefit than hers.

I hadn’t been trying to lull her into being comfortable with me, but I had been putting off the inevitable because once I got into it, there would be no turning back.

“Are you going to tell me what it is you want from me?”

“Of course.” But moments passed without me saying another word.

“I’m listening.”

“I need help.”

“You’ve said as much, but you haven’t told me why or with what.”

“Getting into a car.”

“You open the door and put one leg then the other inside. You’re welcome.” She turned to leave.

“That’s not what I meant.”

She stopped halfway to the door and sighed. “I don’t want to play your games, Ashton.”

“This isn’t a game, Helen. I… I can’t. I can’t get into a car. Not behind the wheel.”

“What?”

She faced me again, curiosity and concern marring her delicate features. I didn’t like anyone looking at me with concern, or pity, or sadness, or anything other than jaw-dropping awe or panty melting lust.

“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.”

“What do you want me to feel?”

That was a loaded question and one that I didn’t think she wanted answered.

“Willing. You know I don’t ask for help. Ever. So, this is… I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

She nodded. “Okay. How? How can I help?”

“I don’t really know. All I know is I won’t be racing this season if I don’t figure out how the fuck to get back behind the wheel of a car. I’m… I’m terrified.”

She took a step toward me, then another, and another. I focused on her shoes, the way the hem of her pants covered the toes when she moved.

She never dressed up when she was racing. She was jeans and sneakers and T-shirts, messy ponytails, no make-up save for a little grease from time to time. Now, though, since she stopped, she wore business suits and heels and a light layer of color on her face.

She was beautiful now, but if I think back, I’d say she was stunning then.

“Post-traumatic stress, you know? Fear.”

She stopped a couple feet away from me.

“I don’t doubt that. I don’t know much about it, have never experienced it myself, but yes, I would think so. Have you talked to anyone?”

“Yeah. She told me that I have it. I’m not seeing her anymore. And I haven’t told anyone anything she’d said.”

“You should tell someone.”

“I am. I’m telling you.”

“I don’t know how to help you through that, Ashton.”

“I don’t know what’s a good idea anymore.”

“I’m not qualified to help you heal or deal with something like this.”

“Maybe not, but you’re the only one I plan on sharing it with. Helen, I —”

“Jesus, Ash… I don’t want to cause you more harm. I don’t want to be the one responsible for that. I… You need someone who knows how to deal with what you’re going through, someone who knows —”

“Me.”

That stopped her words. The way she looked at me, the fierceness of friendship, the uncertainty that she could do anything to help me… I was such a bastard.

“Me. Helen, I need someone who knows me and you do. I need someone I can trust that doesn’t have my father in their ears at all times.”

I could say so many things about the harm and hurt caused by Hale, that this wouldn’t be a discussion, that this wouldn’t be happening at all if it hadn’t been caused by someone related to her and therefore, indirectly caused by her. Flawed thinking on my part again but there it was.

I reasoned that if I couldn’t fix it myself, then the next best person to help would be Helen.

Plus, I’d get to spend time with her. She might remember she once liked me, though, I honestly didn’t think she stopped liking me or stopped wanting to be my friend. The circumstances made for a whole lot of awkwardness.

“If I thought I could do this on my own… If I thought this was as simple as getting back up on the horse after it’s thrown me, so to speak, I would do it myself. But it’s not and I can’t. Please understand how difficult this is for me to ask.”

She considered me for a few long drawn-out minutes, long enough that it made me uncomfortable. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her to forget it, that I’d figure something else out, but I didn’t. I waited. I shoved my not so steady hands into my pockets and I waited.

“You know that you’ll probably not be ready for qualifying.”

“I have to be. Don’t you understand that? I’ve already missed one test. If I miss another one…”

“Ash… You can’t rush being ready. You can’t just say and expect it to happen.”

“I know. My hope is that once I do it several times that the pieces will start to fall into place inside my head again. I have to, Helen. My father is looking to…” I almost choked on the words. “He’s looking at replacing me if I can’t. I don’t want to lose my seat. Not even for one more race.”

Vulnerability wasn’t my strong suit. I was never vulnerable. Not with anyone. Not for any reason, not for a second, but with her, with this I was laying myself bare and I couldn’t remember a time when I’d felt more naked while still fully clothed.

Again, she studied me, watched me, stared at me. She was looking for something and I don’t know what it was that she finally saw, but she gave me a short nod.

“Okay. Which car do you want to try?” She turned and extended her arm toward the race cars sitting a few feet from us. “We seem to have a few to choose from.”

“Now?”

And if she knew that it was Hale my father had mentioned by name, would she still be willing? I wanted to tell her, ask her, poke and prod to find out if she already knew, but I didn’t. She was here and she was willing to do this one thing I’d asked.

A part of me also wondered if she was looking for signs that I was bluffing, that I would make excuses, that I… I honestly didn’t know.

She set her purse on a low shelf nearby. “No time like the present.”

“You said you couldn’t stay long. Hale…”

“I’ll deal with Hale. Stop stalling.”

“I’m not. I… You pick one. I don’t care.”

She didn’t seem convinced, but walked among the cars, stopping at the one furthest away.

“Why that one?”

My feet dragged, shuffled as my body started to rebel against me. I didn’t want to do this. None of it. If my father had walked in the door right then, I’d have told him to find someone else, that I couldn’t do it, that I quit.

“Because there’s nothing on the driver’s side the way there is with the other two. This one gives you a lot more room to get in and out of.”

She was calm as she talked, as she explained her choice, and I wanted to ask her to just keep talking, to talk and talk and talk.

It calmed me, the sound of her voice. And I didn’t fucking understand it.

I didn’t fucking like that she had a hold over me in a way I didn’t expect and couldn’t explain away.

“Can you open the door for me?”

“Seriously?”

“I…” I showed her my trembling hand.

“Yes. Yes, of course.”

She pulled the handle so easily with steady fingers. I wanted that back. I wanted all of it back.

I maneuvered around until I was standing there, so close that all I had to do was bend my knees, and turn my body, then slide into the seat the way I’d done a million times before. Only this time it was different. I was different.

I stared into the confines of the car. Helen stood calmly by my side and let me take my time, working up the courage to get in.

The longer I stood there, the more I trembled and the harder it all seemed.

And that’s not the way I was with anything in my life. I wasn’t a coward. I wasn’t sheepish or a wallflower. If I wanted something, I reached out and grabbed it. I reached out and took it with both hands and a triumphant smile.

I could do this.

I could fucking do this.

One leg in, then the other, and I was behind the steering wheel. I could barely breathe. Were the walls of the car closing in? Was it real?

I was terrified to touch the wheel with its buttons and knobs and bright colors. I was terrified to do more than sit there.

“I hate this,” I ground out. “I fucking hate it.”

Helen knelt beside me, laid her hand on my arm “I’m right here, Ash. You’re not alone.”

I wasn’t alone, no. But I was weak. I was weak in that moment and knew that it wouldn’t be the last time. I didn’t know how I was going to get through it, any of it.