Page 77 of Alastair

“I’m sorry for speaking of him,” I whispered. It felt like rusted gears were jammed in my stomach, and as they turned, they twisted my insides, painfully tightening them before coming to a screeching halt. “I’m sure you miss him and—”

“Stop.” Alastair sat up and reached down, grabbing my face with both hands. Tears glistened in his eyes. “I’m not upset because I miss him.” His arms then came around my neck. “It just kills me how much I hurt you and didn’t even know it.”

I turned my face into his hair. “It wasn’t your fault. I brought the pain upon myself the moment I blocked our fated bond. I don’t fault you for living your life, Alastair. For loving and being loved.”

“I could’ve been loved byyou.”

Sweet cedar and that underlying earthiness surrounded me. His scent. “You still can.”

He whimpered, the sound so soft it was nearly inaudible. His mouth then crashed against mine, the kiss hard. Messy. A touch of chaos to the perfectly poised image he often hid behind. The desires awakened by our bond broke down the carefully constructed walls he’d built around himself. The restraints had lifted, setting him free.

It set me free too.

As we kissed, I returned my hand to his erection, reveling in his every small moan and sigh. So many years I’d spent forbidding myself from even dreaming of touching him this way. Doing so now was indescribable.

“You’re smiling.” Alastair kissed the edge of my mouth.

“Am I?”

“It’s a good look on you.” His thumb traced my lips. “Though I have to confess, your scowl makes me weak in the knees sometimes. Lucky me, I get to see both.”

He felt lucky? Warmth surged in my veins.

Alastair pushed me to my back before straddling me on the bed. Our lips met again, alternating between soft presses and heated, hungry ones, like we were two males starved. In many ways, we were. We needed each other’s touch to satiate the bond that yearned to join us, body and soul. My hands roamed the valley of smooth skin of his stomach, sides, and then down his thighs.

“These need to come off,” he said, seizing the top of my pants. “Here I am, cock out and everything, while you’re still dressed. Not very fair.”

On impulse, I grabbed his hands to prevent him from tugging them down any farther. “Wait. I…” I struggled to find the words.

“Lazarus?”

My heart beat painfully in my chest. “No one’s ever seen me like that before. I’ve… never allowed it.”

Alastair’s expression softened. “Do you want me to stop? I will. We don’t have to go all the way tonight if you aren’t ready.”

I tried to scoff, but it came out a bit gruffer than intended. Croaky. “I’m not a blushing maiden, Alastair, so stop treating me like one.”

“First times can be nerve-racking. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I’m not embarrassed.” But the truth of the matter was, while I had no trouble touching him, being toucheddidbring forth some nerves—so did the idea of him seeing me so exposed. The force of his gaze was too much, so I looked away. “I just need a moment.”

“Hey. Look at me.” Alastair gently tipped my chin up. “I know what it’s like to feel like you have to be in control all the time, to feel like any show of vulnerability makes you weak. But in this bed, it’s just you and me. You can let go.”

The breath stilled in my lungs, and the backs of my eyes burned with the confession I was about to make. “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to see me.”

“Then, let me see you.” He glided a hand across the dip of my ribs. “Let me take control. Don’t think. Just feel.”

With my heart thrashing and my breaths shallow, I moved his hand lower, placing it on the waistband of my pants. Giving him permission. He watched me as he unzipped them and maneuvered them down my hips, freeing my erection. Heat engulfed my bloodstream, and I fought the urge to cover myself.

After discarding my pants, he kissed up my calf, grazed his teeth along my knee, and licked my inner thigh.

I trembled. Anticipation. Desire. Nerves. I felt all of it at once as he traveled higher up my leg and stopped. My erection bobbed inches from his face, but he paid it no attention. Instead, he nibbled the sensitive skin of my inner thigh, using his hand to caress my opposite hip. I shifted a bit, my hips raising of their own accord.

Alastair’s eyes lifted to me, a wicked glint in them. “If you want my mouth on your cock, just say so.”

“Don’t speak that way.”

“What way?” He flashed a half-smile that caused my arousal to spike. As my shaft swelled even more, that smile grew. Holding eye contact, he cupped my sac and rolled it gently in his palm. I sucked in a breath. “Tell me what you want, Lazarus.”