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“Do you want me to help get him back on track?”

“Can you do that?”

“Of course. Give me five minutes. Talk to Wyatt and go get your girl!”

I move toward Roxie and whisper that there is an emergency, that we have to leave immediately, and that I will make it worth her while.

She looks a bit annoyed, but I make puppy-dog eyes at her and she finishes her drink quickly, takes a deep breath, and leans toward Wyatt to apologize. He looks surprised and then annoyed, and then says something really snarky about her leading him on, and suddenly I don’t feel bad at all for spoiling this hookup for Roxie, and I don’t think she minds it either, because the guy is a complete douchebag.

In less than five minutes we’re both out, and as we leave I turn around and see Nice Mickey, whose real name I never caught, smiling and giving me a beer-bottle salut. I reply with a small wave and mouth, Good luck!

The whole ride home I feel pressure in my chest and can’t stop thinking of Joe. It’s funny how the regret of not being with him feels just like the fear of being with him used to feel.

****

By the end of my second month with Qpik—also the end of November—I feel settled. I see Roxie for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays and for coffee before work on Monday. On weekends, I sometimes go out with her to bars, and sometimes a few of her other friends join us.

The work no longer feels overwhelming, although I remain quite busy and eat lunch at my desk on days when I’m not meeting Roxie.

On Fridays, Bobby comes with receipts from Dad’s shop. He spends all the time with Trey, except that the three of us get brunch together on Sundays with Trey’s mom. Sometimes Trey’s sister Taniyah and her son join us, too. Even Roxie has tagged along once or twice, because apparently she really likes brunch.

I can’t believe how much Bobby has changed. He’s definitely picked up some style pointers from Trey, who is the best-dressed man I’ve ever seen in real life. But it’s more than that. I think they’re in love. There’s an aura around the two of them. I know it doesn’t really glow, but one can feel the pull between them, and I recognize it. I recognize it because I’ve felt it, and I can now honestly say I’d never felt it until I met Joe. I am positive that Jake and I were never in a bubble. Not like this. Nothing even close to this.

Occasionally I ask Trey how Joe is doing. Trey stiffens and says Joe’s fine, and thanks me for asking. He doesn’t say anything else and considers me for a long moment, like he’s trying to read my mind and figure out what I’m feeling.

Roxie sometimes asks how I’m doing with the whole Jake and Joe thing. I tell her I’m okay. It’s kind of okay but also kind of a lie. She doesn’t pry, but she, too, considers me for a long moment, like she’s trying to read my mind.

The fact is that I am doing fine. Job is settled, I have friends, it is fine. Everything’s fine. But in the rare moments when I allow myself to admit I might not be fine, I feel a gnawing at my core, a pull of loneliness, of aimlessness. This is all fine but also very much not what I wanted to do.

Bobby tells me that Jake is still going strong with Bethany from our old work. I shrug. I mean, what’s there to say? I hope they’re happy, I suppose.

I honestly don’t care what he does now, but I do wonder if he cheated on me when we were together. I ask Bobby if he knows anything, and my brother shrugs and says he will check. He lobs the question back at me and asks if I think that Jake cheated. I reach deep within, all the way to my gut, and realize that, deep down, yes, I know he did.

I start wondering what I would need to be happy. If I’d need a new place, a new job, a new career. If I’d need more friends, more hobbies. If I’d need a man, a family, a child.

I have more free time than I ever did before because I used to spend so much of it on Jake. I chuckle to myself when I realize Jake was like social media turned flesh—something I spent way too much time on, only to end up feeling pretty horrible about myself.

I would still like to have a family someday, but maybe that day isn’t soon, and the fear of the man being another Jake colors this particular dream with dread.

But the idea of going back to school to get a degree in education keeps popping into my mind with increasing frequency.

I actually think I might enjoy teaching kids math.

****

After four months of working for Qpik, at the freezing end of January, I relent under Roxie’s pressure and start going on dates through dating apps.

Over the next month, I match with a good a number of men. We meet for coffee or dinner and they are all okay, a few of them quite good-looking, but I feel no spark with any of them. The conversation is strained and I just can’t seem to bring out my charming self, even though I know she’s in there somewhere because she had no problem showing up for Joe. Instead, the whole time I feel like I’m floating above the scene, watching myself with these random people, hearing myself sound robotic and dull, barely present in the moment.

Roxie says I’m not giving these guys a real chance. She’s right, but it also seems like most of them are just there to hook up, so I don’t think I’m actually breaking any hearts.

I thought I was ready to be all casual, too, but I soon realized I didn’t want to hook up with any of them, no matter how hot they were (and some were really hot, and they all seemed willing).

And the reason is that I’ve already had the world’s best hookup. I don’t want an inferior version of that.

Somewhere along the way, I realized hooking up would never be enough for me. Somewhere along the way, I realized I wanted to date again, but not just anyone—a very specific someone.

****