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“Who else would I hear from? I am not in contact with Kim or anyone else from that time. I left town. She got to keep all our friends, she got to keep the city. How the fuck would I even find out?”

Lance doesn’t have a retort.

“Did she tell you to tell me?”

“No, not really...”

“Did Sarah tell you to tell me?”

He nods.

“Sarah hates me. She’s 100% on Kim’s side.”

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“She fucking does. Why have I never been able to visit you at your home, Lance? I live an hour and a half away. I could’ve seen your kids once in the last three years, since Kim and I broke up. Not once, Lance. Not once did you invite me over.”

“I’m Kim’s brother. I have to be on her side.”

“And Sarah is Kim’s friend. So she’s on Kim’s side, too.”

He just lowers his eyes.

“Did Kim want me to hear she’s engaged? To hear she’s pregnant? She wanted to make sure I know she’s winning at moving on? That she never loved me? Because message received, loud and clear, Lance. Loud and clear.”

“Joe—”

I get up to leave. “I will settle the tab, don’t bother. Maybe I should send her and the lucky guy a wedding present. Or a baby shower gift. Or both.”

“I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Too late for that now. You know, Lance, I really thought you and I were solid. Apart from me and Kim. But I guess blood is thicker than water.

“I’m really sorry about Sarah and you. I really am. I’m hoping you can patch things up, but let me tell you something—your having a gut is not the problem. Maybe she doesn’t love you anymore, man. Maybe you don’t love her. All I know is you shouldn’t torture each other. It can’t be good for you, and it can’t be good for the kids.”

I grab my jacket, put it on. “Give my best to Kim. And take care of yourself.

“Oh, and finish the pitcher. I can have beer anytime.”

****

I leave the bar and step into the still brisk air, feeling sick and dizzy. My heart hammers in my chest.

I stand in place, face turned toward the sky, and I breathe. Deeper and slower, for I don’t know how long, but I breathe. And breathe. And breathe.

And soon I feel good enough to walk away, but my chest and my gut are still clenched tight.

Because none of what I had with Kim was real.

Because she never really loved me. She never really loved me enough to want to have a child with me.

I feel ugly and worthless and small.

Because Lance and Sarah are in trouble.

Because there are no guarantees.

I’ve been happier in the last three months than I’d ever been before, but who’s to say it will last? Who’s to say it’s not an illusion?