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She nods. “Good. Thank you.”

“But you know as well as I do that this thing between us is not nothing. So please don’t pretend it is. Don’t treat it like it’s nothing.”

Our eyes meet and there it is again, that blinding thread of connection, strong and bright, crackling through the air between us. Her eyes look almost hopeful, and she gives me a tiny nod.

I lean down to give her a small, soft kiss, then I straighten up, shut her door, and with a small smile and wave, she is off. ?

Chapter Six

Liz

I drive off in a daze, acutely aware that I am currently sitting in a pool of semen produced by a man I barely know. My body is humming with satisfaction, but my head feels like it’s full of bees.

I just met him. Went to his place, immediately fucked him—without a condom. Then I fucked him again against my damn car, out in the open, where someone could have called the police on us.

What the hell is wrong with me?

This is not me, has never been me. I should be furious with myself.

But I’m not.

I imagine what my parents would say. They would be speechless; my mom would turn red with embarrassment. Mom and Dad were each other’s one and only, married out of high school, always gone to church. What would my brothers say? Mickey would grin, pat me on the back, and say something like atta boy, while Bobby would look worried and wonder if I were okay and if this were what I wanted.

Everything that happened tonight was what I wanted.

It was barely the rim of my bottomless pit of wants.

What would Jake say? A small ball of anger churns in my stomach at the thought.

Jake would imply that he was dismayed, that what I did was unbecoming of the Liz he knew, and that he wanted nothing else to do with me. He’d ask why I could come four times with this big fat hairy dude when I could barely eke one orgasm per encounter with him, even though he, Jake, was so much hotter, in so much better shape, so much more attractive, so much more valuable. He’d never ask if there were something lacking in him, something that he couldn’t or wouldn’t give me. It was understood that I was the lower-worth partner, so of course I should be happy with what came my way. He’d imply that I never deserved him, that maybe I belonged with the big fat hairy dude because we were the same, which would mean not like Jake, and not like Jake meant lesser and ugly, perhaps disgusting, even though Jake would never be so crass as to say any of it out loud.

Whenever his pride got hurt, Jake would say something sarcastic, so maybe he’d say that Joe couldn’t see very well because he fucked me like there’s no tomorrow under the bright lights of his living room, that Joe didn’t appear to want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, that this man I just met lavished my body with as much attention as I’ve always dreamed someone would lavish it with, attention I once hoped the man I was going to love and cherish till death do us part would provide, attention that I realized, two years into the relationship, that I would never ever get from Jake. And I made peace with it then, because he was so handsome and everyone liked him and everyone let me know, time and again, how lucky I was to be chosen.

I drive around in a daze until I realize I have no idea where I am. I take a deep breath, pull over, bring up the map on my phone, and after fifteen minutes, I’m back home. At Melanie’s. At my place.

****

A new phone is the first thing I bought when I got to Madison. It only has my cousin’s number in it, and now Joe’s. I put the phone on the kitchen counter, right next to the old one, which now never leaves home and which my parents have been blowing up since I let them know that Jake broke up with me. They’ve been trying to get me to come back home, where I belong. Those were the words my mom used in at least a dozen messages. Home where you belong. I know they worry and they mean well, but I can’t deal with their feelings right now. And with every passing day, I become more aware that I don’t want to go back to that cocoon with them and Mickey and Bobby, the cozy place where we’re always together and nothing ever changes. I love them all so, so much, but after three weeks away, I know I have to stay away so I can breathe.

That doesn’t make it easier to blow them off, day after day. I send terse text messages every day or two to let them all know that I’m doing well, that they shouldn’t worry, that I will write more once I’m settled. That I’m not sad about Jake, that I have enough money, that I’m looking for work. I don’t actually read what they write back anymore. It’s too painful to learn how betrayed they feel, because who will do the shop’s books now? And they are certain I must’ve done something to provoke Jake.

They don’t know where I’m staying. Nobody knows except for my cousin, whom I swore to secrecy, and since I’m the only one in my family who’s in close contact with her, I don’t think my folks would think to ask her, anyway.

I scroll down through the messages from my parents, without reading, but then I see a few new ones from Bobby.

Bobby is my favorite brother. We’re only eleven months apart, and we’ve always been close.

Bobby: Hey Lizzie

I hope you’re okay

Everyone’s freaking out

Where are you?

Mom has gone to weird conspiracies like you’ve been kidnapped

Oh and I saw Jake today