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“Am I?” I rock back and admit an uncomfortable truth. “I felt abandoned when you didn’t respond to my texts. Then I used the danger inherent to your job to convince myself it was better to end things. Looks like I’m more needy than I thought, a needy bitch. That’s the last thing I want to be, but it was like…” I glance up at the corner of the room, trying to understand where my head was at the time. “I guess I was looking for a way to spare myself the pain if things between us didn’t work out. Looking back? I’m embarrassed. It was stupid and shallow and—embarrassing. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t forgive me for being so bat-shit crazy.”
“I will never abandon you. As for my job, it’s dangerous, but every time I go out, I do it with the intention of coming home. To be with you. I can’t guarantee nothing will happen, but I’ll do my best to come back to you.”
“Now I really feel like a fool.” I huff out a breath. “I’m really sorry I acted the way I did. I’m upset with myself because that’s not who I am. I’m not this insecure, whiny female. It’s not how I see myself.”
The thought of him in dangerous situations terrifies me. At the same time, his vulnerability in opening up and addressing my concerns touches something deep within me. That openness is all the more important because of the way sex suddenly changed between us after his hand struck my ass.
“I don’t know what to say.” I dig my toes into the carpet, trying to find the courage to look him in the eye. “I don’t know how to apologize.” With a big breath in, I take stock of what happened and where we are now.
Where we are excites me.
I don’t know what to think about how him hitting me—spanking me—finds me loving him more when, by all accounts, it should raise alarm bells in my head and send my inner feminist raging against the injustices of the male patriarchy.
But Alec didn’t hit me.
It wasn’t abuse.
It was erotic, forbidden, and tantalizing. Not to mention, it’s awakening a side of me I never allowed myself to explore. It’s something I can’t describe and something I don’t fully understand. What I can say is I want to explore it further.
With him.
And I don’t care what my inner feminist says, or other feminists for that matter. Just because I enjoy his dominance doesn’t diminish me. Just because he spanked me—and I got off on it—doesn’t mean I accept physical abuse. I don’t. That spanking is merely one of many ways we express ourselves and embrace our sexual nature.
I’m cool with that. His dominance, frankly, thrills me. It’s always been a fantasy of mine. Not one I ever thought I’d be able to explore. But then, I’ve never dated a man like Alec. He’s different on so many different levels.
I make a decision—if he’ll take me back, I’ll embrace my fears about relationships. I’ll try my best not to worry about his safety when he’s on a mission. I won’t allow myself to feel abandoned if he fails to respond to a text based on my timeline. I will trust him.
Perhaps that’s what scares me the most. After Steffen, I haven’t allowed myself to trust any man.
“Come here, love.” He takes my hand and pulls me into his lap. His expression determined as he examines me. “I know what you need.”
Before I can reply, he wraps his arms around me in a comforting embrace. It feels like coming home after years of being away.
The sensation brings forth tears that have been pent up for months now; tears of sorrow for what was lost between us and tears of joy for all that might be.
He kisses the crown of my head while I burrow into the warmth of his embrace. The steady lub-dub of his heart soothes me.
I blink away unshed and overly emotional tears. Alec cups my face in his hands, gently wiping away the tears with his thumbs. His gaze searches mine, trying to gauge my reaction before he speaks again. “Let’s get away from everything. Take some time—just us—to figure out if we can really make this work for us.”
My breath catches in my throat as I consider what he’s proposing. It feels too good to be true, but at the same time it sounds wonderful.
Could I really have a second chance with Alec?
“Where would we go? How long would we stay there? What would we do?” My mind whirls with questions and excitement as the possibilities start to become reality in my head.
Alec smiles curiously and leans in close as if he’s about to share a secret. “Someplace where we can be ourselves and explore what’s happening here.” His whispers send shivers down my spine. He pulls back enough for his heated eyes to meet mine again before continuing, “Get to know each other better without all of the distractions of everyday life. Just you and me on the open road. No limits. No constraints.”
My heart flutters at the thought of running away with Alec to some romantic hideaway where it’ll just be the two of us; no work, no worries, just us getting closer and enjoying each other’s company without judgment or consequences from our pasts.
“Start new?” The words leave my mouth on an exhale, and I can’t believe how profoundly hopeful they sound even though deep down it feels almost too good to be true.
Mischief glimmers in his eye, but he doesn’t answer. At least not directly.
“What?” Confused, I search his face for an answer.
Once again, his gaze goes to the wall, to the point in time when everything between us changed.
“Oh…”