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“No. That’s the thing. He’s off on his own, and I can’t get them to tell me more.”
“Have you considered it’s the truth?”
“Yes. No?” I scratch my head and pace. “I just don’t know, and I hate the dark paths my brain’s taking me down. I think this is more of a ‘it’s me, not you’ kind of thing. I’m so used to being hurt that I don’t know how to trust.”
“Barbi, you know I’ve always got your back.” Kaye’s words are imbued with the warmth of sisterly love. “But you need to ignore your gut and trust your heart.”
“What does that mean?”
“Only that, the likely answer is Alec’s exactly where the guys say he is. Off on a mission for the Guardians. I don’t know how things work with them, but if it’s anything like the SEALs, maybe he can’t call and tell you what he’s doing, or where he is. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.”
“You think so?”
“That’s what my instincts tell me. Alec seems like a good guy. Give him a break.”
“But it’s not like we’re dating. We’re not a couple. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way about me?”
“You sure about that?”
“We started hot and heavy, what’s to say he’s not out there right now meeting another woman the same way he met me?”
“That’s your fear talking, telling you men can’t be trusted. If you pull away now, you might miss out on a really amazing thing. Before you condemn him for cheating on you, give him a chance to show you what I already know.”
“And what’s that?”
“Alec’s into you. The two of you have been inseparable since the moment you met.”
“Technically not the moment we met, considering…” My voice trails off and I can’t help but feel a little guilty. I used him for sex, and he used me. That was the beginning and end of it.
“I mean the second time you met.” She throws a pillow at me. “In his defense, you ran out on him, but he definitely latched onto you when your paths crossed again. Trust your heart.” She pokes me over my heart. “Your gut tells you all men are like Steffen. Time to let that go and trust what your heart is saying. Don’t rush to judgment until you have a chance to talk to Alec again.”
Kaye’s words stop me in my tracks. She definitely hit that nail on the head. I don’t know which instinct to trust. My gut says he used me and walked away. That our time together is done. But my heart says he wouldn’t do that to me.
“I really want to trust him.” I wring my hands, worried my heart will fail me.
“Then trust him. You don’t know what kind of mission he’s on, and there’s probably a very good reason for the radio silence. Don’t let your past experiences dictate his actions. He’s not Steffen.”
“Thanks,” I whisper, my voice laced with gratitude. “I needed to hear that.”
Several days later, still with no word from Alec, the conversation with Kaye runs through my mind.
Trust my heart.
My heart tells me Alec is exactly who he says he is. There’s no subterfuge. Kaye’s right. I’m projecting all the pain Steffen caused onto Alec and that’s not fair.
The memories of my past with Steffen surface unbidden, their raw and jagged edges still cut deep—even after all this time.
I gave Steffen everything—my trust, my loyalty, my heart—only to have it shattered beyond repair. There’s a really big part of me that believes Alec will be just like Steffen. That’s what my gut says.
Enough!
The ghosts of my past belong in my past. I need to focus on me—on my journey toward the life I deserve. A life filled with happiness, adventure, and love.
I head down to the workout room we built out of the previous garage and move through my yoga flow for the morning. The movement centers my mind and brings peace. Once finished, I switch to the meditation room, a small space in the back of the converted basement with sound dampening foam covering the walls and ceiling. It blocks out any of the incessant city noise that always seems to be present.
In the silence, and solitude, my gut grabs hold of me, stirring up my fear.
The next morning, I stand in the small courtyard out back. The sun casts a warm glow onto my weary face. Clutching my phone tightly in my hand, it’s time to send Alec a message—he deserves to know my thoughts and an easy way out.