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“Not anymore. I call dibs.” I haven’t slept with anyone since graduation night.
I’ve thought a lot about my mystery man, and all the fun things we could do. He consumes my thoughts day and night, keeping me awake with fantasies that can never be fulfilled.
Which can’t be healthy. For that reason, I stayed away from the club. The mere thought of running into him would lead to a night of carnal pleasure and drinks shared while discussing bits and pieces of our lives.
That would lead to the age-old question of your place or mine? Which would lead to breakfast, coffee, and more sex. Not in that particular order.
Before I knew it, there would be cute nicknames. More nights spent at his place or mine. I’d grow attached.
A toothbrush left behind—because it makes sense. Then there’d be a drawer of my things at his place. His clothes hanging in my closet. Before I knew what was happening, we’d be a thing.
Officially dating.
And then…
Like clockwork…
He’d do something stupid. Break my heart like Steffen did when I was a young, naïve, and incredibly stupid freshman.
It never fails. I’m unable to prevent myself from wanting more. Wanting something that can never last.
My love life is a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up in my face. A never-ending rollercoaster of heartbreak and disappointment. Every time I let someone into my heart, and give them a chance, they break what should never be broken. By now, I’m numb to it all.
With each broken heart, I slip further and further away, throwing up shields to protect the shattered remnants of that battered organ.
All the pain just makes me swear off men and relationships altogether, which is why I keep my distance.
But I still crave that connection to others.
Only, I keep it on my terms, hooking up with one nameless man after another. It’s why I don’t do sleepovers.
And yet…
My heart aches for something more than meaningless encounters, but I’m too scared to take that leap and risk getting hurt again.
“Dibs?” Kaye brings me back to reality with her words as she catches me daydreaming about things that are better left forgotten.
I can move past my man from the club. Maybe one of these Guardians can fuck me into oblivion where I can feel numb again?
Maybe that’s exactly what I need to break free from this slump I find myself in?
“Yes, you said dibs?” Kaye looks at me curiously. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I snap out of my troublesome thoughts and push away the pain that threatens to take me down paths I’m not interested in traveling ever again. I put on the bravest face I can imagine. “I’m getting myself a Guardian. I call dibs.”
I remind myself of the rules.
Don’t date.
Don’t exchange names.
No sleeping over.
No toothbrushes left behind.
Share nothing personal.
And the most important one.